#apuat

I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.

Why am I grateful?

Because I knocked myself into the dirt so many times, that I had no choice but to live a spiritual life or die.

I believe I was born with a condition of the mind that requires me to either drink/drug myself into oblivion, or turn to spirituality in all dimensions. I was born a priestess without a god. Yet now I not only have one but two.

If the process of alcoholics anonymous is unclear to you, here are the twelve steps of recovery:

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable.

Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understoodHim.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take a personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

As you can see, the whole process is centered around a vital spiritual experience.

For many years I was a follower of Yinepu-Wepwawet, yet refused to live life on life’s terms. I worshiped my Netjeru while at the same time denying the structure of pure existence set before me. I retreated from the world by using substances. I caused harm to myself and others. I refused to face reality. My excuse? I felt too much. I felt too much and it was unbearable. 

I had to embrace what I was meant to experience, and in turn embrace Yinepu-Wepwawet with my whole heart. A daily senut ritual became insufficient. I began placing obstacles next to my bed at night, so that when I awoke I would be reminded to pray before anything else. I began facing difficult situations by addressing my Higher Powers and patiently awaiting their answers and guidance in all things. I began asking only that their will be made clear to me, and that I be strengthened in order to carry it out. 

In short, I gave up my seat as incompetent director of this play of life, and embraced my role as actor, reading the script that They have set forth for me. 

When I look at the bigger picture, it seems a vast, lonely space; devoid of peers who believe as I do. Devoid of believers who share my struggle with addiction. It only need be a small matter. I am unafraid as I face the world and my disease with Yinepu-Wepwawet by my side. I wear their sigils proudly. If asked, I will blatantly boist of my HP’s influence on my life, and my reliance on Them. 

No shame. No reservations. Just a kind of redemption, and a whole lot of faith.

My desires have led me to dark places. They destroyed my life and the lives of others. I’ve turned it over, to Yinepu and Wepwawet. May they lead me to greater things. May they lead me where they would have me go. I will not always get what I want. I will not always get what I think is best, but I will be led down the path that leads to greater spirituality for me and way of living. 

If I live this way, I find those moments. Moments after I’ve worked hard or maintained that closeness with my higher powers, when a wonderful peace envelops me. I feel happy and calm and fulfilled. I get that fuzzy feeling inside. All I really need in order to survive and strive is that feeling. That feeling and the presence of my Netjer.