#clean time

Before

Society makes being an addict a safe way to self-identify

Satan tricks him with defiling traits that aren’t meant to align

Traits that are unfitting to him and I am not surprised

I never fell in love with those descriptions

As much as I did with all the unprescribed prescriptions

When we met I felt a happy-sad-caring vibe..a fantasy overtook my mind

I saw a heavy weight being placed on me knowing I fell for a liar

His eyes turning cold and losing his fire

Having no more tears to cry, he turns to his desire

His eyes say to me…

“I feel emotion but I don’t trust you…

So please don’t be cruel.

I need help and I am screaming inside!

So unworthy of love and so tired of saying goodbye”

Tagging behind are memories full of agony from his whole family

Devastated from hate given by loved ones but can still manage

Feeling alone and depressed without knowing what the plan is

So when something is presented as a way to numb pain he played that card.

Topped off by a woman he turned to as a safe space

Somehow breaking his heart and turning him to coping ways

No one pays attention enough to actually see how courageous he is to attempt to still give love

Generously able to do this because his supply is from God above

False secrets twist their way inside

I see layers stacked on as disguised pride

Constantly dealing with the same cycle for years

Now is second nature with his tears and all his fears

Regardless I still see the man who captured my heart fearlessly

Trying on my end not to act on the chemistry

I see and feel you are going to do great

So be proud of your victories and always celebrate

Remember what you stand for always

Hold on to what you are

It is a struggle and we might slip up but failure is normal; embrace your scars

Pick yourself up and throw away the lies that are blinding your way

Someday this will be easy and joy with peace will rule your days

Everyones fucks up and we all rush to judge only to see contradictions in their reflection

As long as we are seeking to grow and learn

Hoping our bridge of friendship will be rebuilt and not burned

I want to place my perspective in your eyes

Sending the hateful thoughts in your head to the blue skies

I’ve spent it sick (no, not hungover; I have a cold). But I am so grateful. I have almost 13 months clean. Even sick I am not tempted to use. It’s taken a lot of hard work, lots of NA meetings, letting go of a lot of shit, and pushing myself to be and do better. But I fucking am doing it! Living life clean!

My New Year’s resolution is to watch how I talk to and about myself. I know I’m not the kindest person to MYSELF. I need to start with daily mantras. Something small, over time, can make the biggest impact.

1 whole year. 365 days. 52 weeks.

I am sober. I am clean. 1 year ago today I was in a dark place. I got help. I reached out. I found my peace. I am a happier, healthier, and in a better place than I was 1 year ago.

I’m thankful. I’m blessed.