#aphephobia

If there’s one thing I love, it’s weird fears. They’re interesting to think of how people would come across a fear of some of the littlest or unimaginable things. I have a fear of my own, Aphephobia, which can also be spelled Haphephobia, and I believe I also Thixophobia.

It’s the fear of touch.

More specifically, human. I cannot touch another human without starting to have a meltdown. Crowds are a nightmare. School hallways are literal Hell. I can’t hug my parents, or high-five my friends. I can barely even shake hands when I meet someone

Why am I saying this? I wouldn’t be, and I wasn’t ever planning on bringing it up other than in my description, if something didn’t happen.

A few days ago while eating lunch and minding my business, some fucker (who shall remained unnamed) decided it would be hilarious to come up to a stranger a smack their hands on their shoulders.

Funny thing about Aphephobia, when someone touches you it’s like someone shot you with a bullet, paralyzed you, then stabbed the spot they touched over and over and over again. Except there isn’t any pain, just a faint memory of where you were “attacked.” In short, it fucking SUCKS.

And that’s just a tap. Or an accidental bump.

A smack?

My brain shut off all noise, all sights, and all taste. I could hear my friends cursing, but I couldn’t focus on their words. I couldn’t even turn around to see who did it (I know now, and it was exactly who I thought it would be.) I wasn’t even able to cry.

When I was able to move, I stood up and instantly went into a corner. I had to fight back tears because this had never happened before. Never in my life, aphephobic or not, has some stranger come up to me and smacked my fucking shoulders. I get it, some humans cannot help but be touchy. But this person had no reason.

So I guess the moral of this is don’t assume everything about people. Or just fucking don’t smack peoples shoulders from behind, because I’m certain that anyone would yell at you for that. I don’t know what the hell kind of world compels a person to think that’s a good idea, but whether there’s ever some meme/fad going around that has anything to do with violating a stranger’s personal space, DON’T. Don’t ever do that. You have no idea what damage you’ll cause, and that’s not just for Aphephobia. That can be for rape victims, abuse victims, or people with severe anxiety.

I started writing this the day the incident happened, and I couldn’t come back for days because I start shaking when I think about it. Please think before you make any sort of contact with a person. Be respectful of boundaries and be respectful of strangers. I’m sorry, my posts are usually shitposts or much shorter reblogged serious posts. But I needed to get this out there.

Don’t worry about a lot of questions! That’s totally fine and I’m totally comfortable answering any questions you have.

Haphephobia’s general definition is a specific phobia involving the fear of touching or being touched. But since you’re asking I’m guessing you’ve googled it, so I’ll give you more than a google search will. Haphephobia is different for everyone, so I’ll just tell you what it’s like for me. 

For me, when someone touches me it hurts. Physically, which I know might sound strange. It can feel anywhere between feeling sore or like it’s burning, depending on the touch and the person and where I am that day. If I’ve been touched a lot that day, it’s more likely to hurt more. I also feel like I can’t breathe, think, I feel trapped, stuff like that. Those last things I feel with varying intensity with the touch, be it a brush of an arm against mine or a hug. Hugs are really hard. I’ll sort of panic with those, but I sort of panic with all touch it’s just again with varying intensity. 

It can also hurt mentally and emotionally, which is something that I believe changes greatly with the person and their history with the phobia and the reason they developed it. But again, it’s a fear. It’s mentally, emotionally, and physically taxing.

It’s like being afraid of something unavoidable. I go to work and I know one of my coworkers will touch me between 10 and 15 times that day, and I know I’ll probably panic each time she does to a certain degree. I’m always scared. I’m isolated from family, I don’t have any friends in person because once they get close I worry that they’ll want a hug or something and I don’t want to explain that I can’t handle that for fear of losing them. What it’s like is terrifying and isolating, but again it’s different for everyone. 

I honestly can’t stress that enough. Haphephobia is different for everyone.

It’s like an umbrella term. Sort of. Not really.

I’m saying it’s different because while I haven’t met anyone in person who has Haphephobia like me, I’ve read stories of people with different experiences and I know it’s been different during my life. It started when I was seven, but back then I was only uncomfortable with someone touching the backs of my knees. Later I couldn’t stand anyone touching my neck and shoulders, later arms were added, then everywhere. I pushed it down and was okay with it for a while, but then it came back like a shaken coke can that was opened and was way worse than it every was, exploding and making everything kind of a mess. That’s how it is now. It’s like what I explained, basically. 

This is a second part to my short essay "Touch," because I felt like I needed to write this after glancing through the tags.

I think listing this as a phobia is wrong. Phobias are defined as irrational fears and are seen by most people as something you need to overcome. Something you can and want to overcome.

I do not like to be touched by the majority of the population. I fear it only because I hate it. I hate spiders and peanut butter as well. Maybe you hate the beach or elevators. If you have tried these things and found that you do not like them, it's not my place to tell you to get over it. It's not my place to drag you kicking and screaming onto an elevator.

Let me clarify further. I don't want to live in a bubble, this is the important distinction. I don't want to go weeks or months or years without someone hugging me. I actually very much enjoy someone touching me. This is how I know that my anxiety over someone infringing on my personal boundaries is healthy, because I want and do have people that are welcome to hug me, kiss me and grasp my hand.

But first I have to know you. We have to be friends and you have to respect the initial distance. One day I will eventually pat your head, I will put my hand on your shoulder, tentatively and for only a few seconds. Sometimes I will receive some confirmation touch in return. This is how I build my trust with someone, this is how I become comfortable.