day 19475738 of talking about Till's comics (Pretty long)
Remember everything panels TL - ka_akeakamai
Scars TL - manipuIatedstar
I have the most fun with the impression I get from the way Alnst plays around with dynamics with Ivan and Till's compatibility as an inseparable pair that is being portrayed despite their misconceptions of each other.
Down to the little details, the significance of how much this relationship meant to them both is fascinating in their environment. And even in Scars and Remember Everything alone, I feel like Till has laid it out perfectly. Because of this recurring feeling, it reminds me of the inevitability of Ivan's presence in Till's life.
In relation to this, even after Ivan's death, there is a specific focus on the memories of the feelings from Anakt Garden through Till, who is coming to terms with growing up with a new life and having to live with what he always feared without his imaginative perception of the world.
The torrential storm of feeling in Till can only be soothed by Till acknowledging the past without being overtaken by anger. In stark contrast to the past, when any development, any uncertainty was immediately blotted out with frustration for Till. The idea of two individuals who always cared for each other and didn't see eye to eye
In the end, Till resolves that they are all a family to find a word for this complicated dynamic and unspoken devotion to each other in what I'd say is a profound display of growth after those years of not being able to understand love and connection despite desiring it so much
Till's fear may have always been loneliness. In Scars and Remember Everything, there is a specific focus on the mundanity of Ivan's presence at times. There is always the suggestion that Ivan is a constant in Till's life and was even in the past. The revelation at the end of Remember Everything from Till's thoughts--"One day, he will come back for me when I fall apart again." was what made me feel so interested in this topic.
Till's hallucinations are a byproduct of trauma and a reconstruction of the environment he knew for most of his life, with the imitation of the boy who always stuck by him. Ivan's presence in the past and in this imitation is sometimes passive or intrusive. Sometimes it's mundane. Sometimes he's sitting beside Till quietly while he eats, he's just around the corner, or he and Till are having idle conversations. It's all patterns that Till is accustomed to and understands down to the tiniest details, such as the emphasis on Ivan's pestering or his negation tactics.
It happens to become a very subtle but fascinating way of showing the weight of the Ivan we're deconstructing, what he means to Till, and showing what Till is afraid of
Even after his death, Till had never imagined a life without Ivan by his side ever since they were kids. [He had never imagined a chance at a life like this period, maybe.] Till's only respite from despondency and loneliness was the company he depended on, and Ivan couldn't maintain stability without leaning on Till, indicating dependence despite Ivan's self-regulation. They were always together, their convoluted, trip-wire balance of a dynamic held firm underneath all the avoidance and self-containment.
Hence, Till's subconscious expectation that Ivan would always be there. Ivan becomes Till's shadow, leans in, and there's no question about Till's obvious regression to his crutch to cope with what he's feeling-- there's just balance. It's just like it was when Ivan was alive, and so that's their symbiosis, and it shows the previous state of a cycle.
This brings about the coexistence of comfort and confusion/pain in the state of stasis and equilibria that Till maintains in those years of continued, protective indifference despite the reminder of pain and what he doesn't understand, or want to admit, that comes with the bitter and overwhelming presence of Ivan.
It recontextualizes Ivan's significance in Till's life within the fish bowl (Anakt Garden), imagining Ivan always being there among their friends, and the comfort of the memories Till made in that place might've been as easy as imagining a fish in water, but I don't think that it was as easy as knowing what Ivan meant to him at the time.
It's the hardest to understand an imperceivable relationship like that, even now
Regarding their mutual push-pull, as Ivan grows up, the gap between them increases due to Ivan's "practical considerations" and his personal tragicism and pessimism, and Till's resolute indifference, despite how personal their relationship is, no matter how much distance is breached, they can't seem to see eye to eye.
It becomes increasingly more obvious where they have to stand in each other's lives as they both avoid confrontation. With Ivan's unilateral affections communicating closeness and distance, the two of them rarely communicate about their true feelings and thoughts in a concise manner
This immediately sets up the structure of Ivan and Till's final talk. Till's imaginative rendition of their dynamic is so accurate that I wasn't expecting his immediate reaction to Ivan indirectly calling him pathetic to embrace him, but after coming to an understanding of Ivan's mixed signals that Till perceived and couldn't understand, Till imagines himself shouldering Ivan's burden that's keeping them both like this, only in Till's imagination can vulnerability finally be had between them
In the past, they were both perceiving each other in ways that fed into their hesitation and fears. But ultimately, there were times Till tried to understand, and the response was a sure way to push Till away, for them to miss each other's intentions entirely. That's why, after so long trying to understand and come to terms with his regrets of the past and grief, Till needs this moment where he pushes himself and pushes Ivan to the core of the matter to realize what was beneath the protective surface
This moment was the first time their emotions were no longer running parallel, and emotion bursts as they embrace each other openly, two adults like helpless children.
There's a tragedy in that it had to come to this, and Till is still just working with what he has and knows even now, but it's a feat.
It's impressive to me after these years of witnessing all the chances for communication between them missed with the ignorant half-heartedness of Till at the time of their adolescence and Ivan's inopportune evasiveness when it came to his feelings, (For reference not related to the images below, that one paywalled comic about Ivan's time in the slums, when Till questions him, he dodges that little bit of sincerity and vulnerability for a more "objective", dismissive sounding answer)
Till- [Unlucky guy... but this dude probably has his own circumstances, doesn't seem *that* bad of a guy] <INFP>
Ivan- "By the way, Till, you cheated on today's homework, didn't you? How about caring a little?"
Till- [This jerk]
Isn't it so interesting that this arc is about Till coming to terms with how much he and Ivan must've meant to each other after so long of being so absorbed in his inner world that he avoided and even feared vulnerability and true connection with any of his friends translates into Till beginning to live a new, freer life and make new connections and friends after acknowledging both his and Ivan's fears very precisely and sharing the equal weight of how being wrapped up in fear and suffering prevents you from true connection with people you care about until it's too late...😯 w
