#anixity

I feel like I'm trying to find love just to feel secure, confident... But do I need it? Maybe. Am I ready for it? I don't think so.

So... Why my heart fall in love with anyone who shows some care about me??

Do I really like him? Or not?

Does he really like me? Or he just playing with my heart?

Does he deserve me?

so I’ve got to be honest with some of you guys out there. at the beginning of the year I was informed that i may be autistic when i was seeing a MH nurse for anixity and panic attacks. We’ve  applied for me to be diagnosed and i’m now on the waiting list. (not seen the nurse since).

So I’ve done a load of research and reading into it as i wait. so much i read and see i relate to and understand. I.e i act that way, or say that way, or fell that way or relate. does that make sense? I don’t know if it makes sense. I feel like the more I read the more i begin to understand myself and why I act certain ways. 

But the more ‘reading/research’ i do the more i fear that when i finally get tested it is going to come back and say that im not autistic. The whole thing in general confuses me to be honest. like im 23 and im just possible finding out. My boyfriend of 5 years turned round when i first told him i might be, reply “oh, i always thought you may be, just didn’t want to say to you.”   I  say to my parents i may be and they aren’t interested in know ( they haven’t said that in so many words but its what they say and how they act) so i don’t want to talk to them about it. Don’t even know if i will if I get a formal diagnoses.   

So i guess where I’m going with this is... is it worth it to get a formal diagnoses? will it actually make a difference in my life? will it make life easier knowing and knowing how to cope? like how did no one know, notice or say anything for 23 years when they seen me struggle so much?