(p.s mpc i think this would prob qualify as character hate & prevabuse. thank you! i also don't intend for this to be a canon call, i'm just writing down my thoughts n it's easier to do so when addressing the person it's about directly.)
i have the perspective in this life to somewhat understand why she ruined me twice. her greatest wish was to stand on equal footing with someone, and to form genuine bonds in the ways humans so naturally do. perhaps it wasn't conscious malice- or maybe it was, and it wouldn't really make that much of a difference.
makima, did you envy me? when you found me on the beach that day, surrounded by people who accepted me and who i loved in turn, did jealousy motivate what you did? a part of me hopes so, even if selfishly. it would be easier to process if i could empathize with you, if it was in some way personal- if what you lacked contributed at all to what you took. i don't know. it's just difficult to wrap my head around how you uprooted everything so easily, and how insignificant the suffering you caused was to you.
i won't get into what happened with hayakawa and i. he lost more on that day than i did, so i don't feel as though it's really my place to speak about what took place when we sought out your help. i just can't help but wonder if you projected onto me in any way after you funnelled me into public safety. you and i both had barriers that prevented us from connecting to others, even if those obstacles were different in nature. did some part of you resent me for growing to care about him even after you took my memories? did it frustrate you? did you feel isolated, seeing a blank slate begin to recover in ways so (seemingly) unattainable to you? i can't know you like you know yourself, but i would be bitter, i think. it's hard to put myself in your shoes.
this got longer than i intended it to, and i don't think my previous self would've tried to understand you. i was too angry then, and i'm still angry now. i just wish i had the closure of knowing for certain what you felt, and if you did what you did unfeelingly.
-the angel devil, chainsaw man