I’m not sure if this is androableism or not?? It also feels like misogyny.
Please let me know if I need to resend this with pictures edited and usernames blacked out.
[PT: Every time someone talks about weaponized incompetence, they always end up saying something wildly ableist.]
[PT: Disabled women are still expected to keep the house running. Maybe if he can’t meet her standards he should do the right thing and leave, instead of causing stress everyday. Divorced mothers often say they’re less stressed because the dependent they were sleeping with was finally out of the house.]
[PT: I can’t tell if you’re agreeing or disagreeing with me. Like, yes? You almost got the point of my comment? If you’re not careful how you discuss things like weaponized incompetence, you just add to the idea that disabled people must perform above and beyond]
I initially thought they were maybe agreeing with me and pointing out how women are also affected by expectations of exceptionalism. I was confused if I’d misread the comment or not.
[PT: I’m saying there is still a double standard when it comes to men and women, and that women who don’t want a man who makes their lives harder, especially since women, too, can be disabled. It’s not about what a partner does, it’s about a pattern of neglect that is excused in men because the standards of hygiene and home care are lowered by the expectation that men are not good at chores. Which may be convenient for a disabled man, but a disabled woman does not have the luxury of doing something badly and being able to turn around and say, “well, I tried, now you do it. You’re so much better at it than me.”]
I’m genuinely confused and tying my head in knots trying to figure out how to articulate what this is - if it’s ableism, anti-masculinity, misogyny - and why it is.
I know I had a lot of screenshots, but I added plaintext. If I need to redo that too, please let me know
This is androableism. "Maybe if he can’t meet her standards he should do the right thing and leave, instead of causing stress everyday." Fucking hell, what an ableist thing to say. Disabled men don't need to leave a relationship just because they can't match their partner.
"Which may be convenient for a disabled man" a man getting judged, often yelled at or treated with passive aggressiveness, and belittled for being a "failure of a man" isn't experiencing convenience.
Yes, disabled women who are housekeepers are unfairly expected to upkeep households to the same standard as abled women. Yes, disabled women who are the moneymakers are unfairly expected to perform at work to the same standard as their abled coworkers.
But also, yes, disabled men are also expected the same thing if they are housekeepers or moneymakers. That commenters androableist statement alone literally proves as much. Because ableism and toxic masculinity can intersect.
Many of these men accused of weaponized incompetence are disabled and just undiagnosed. "No, no, my ex/husband/boyfriend/brother/son/friend/roommate/etc is clearly abled!" I never said visibly disabled. Many of them are suffering from chronic pain/exhaustion or executive dysfunction.
Hell, I've even seen diagnosed men get accused of weaponized incompetence. No, I assure you (general you), your husband having a depressive episode isn't trying to spite you. Your boyfriend with ADHD isn't trying to forget to do chores. Your son with fibromyalgia isn't trying to be lazy and whine about getting up, they're just in a lot of pain at the moment.
Weaponized incompetence is a real thing, in which you psychologically abuse someone by going out of your way to do something poorly, or claiming you don't know how to do something that you have shown time and time again to know. And it definitely isn't gender specific. But people need to be careful about when they accuse someone of weaponized incompetence, because some disabilities make someone genuinely struggle to do things well, or can even cause temporary memory loss or skill regression in some cases.
Instead of jumping to accuse, talk to the person. Ask them if they're okay. Don't get immediately on the offense.