#always trying

I keep a ledger no one sees inked in quiet, stubborn shame every careless word I sharpened into something like a blade

I've been the storm in smaller rooms the slammed doors, the broken plate the silence that comes after when it's already too late

I know the version of myself that people warn their friends about a cautionary anecdote with my name half-spoken out

And still I wake up

Which feels like either punishment of maybe, just maybe permission

I try to catch the things I say before they leave my mouth like smoke try to hold them in my lungs until they soften into something that doesn't choke

I practice softer ways to stand unclenching fists I didn't know I carried even in my sleep learning slowly to let go

Some days I fail in the same predictable, familiar ways reflex, anger, easy lies old habits dressed in newer names

But some days I don't

And that has to count for something that moment where the script goes blank where I almost become the person I would have needed back then

I don't expect forgiveness yet I haven't earned that kind of grace But I am sanding down the edges of this jagged, former shape

If I keep going awkward, late uneven, undeserved

Maybe one day I'll look back at who I was

Today was a hard day! I studied but nothing stuck. I'm also going through a heap of sadness not being able to meet up with people and socialise a bit.

Czuję się bardzo smutna, bo jestem sama. Wiem, że jestem też trochę dramatyczna. Anywho, ponieważ gramatyka polska mnie denerwuje, zdecydowałam spędzać kilka następnych dni oglądaniu polskiego filmów (that and some let's plays).

The best part of being an adult (single and with few life responsibilities and a job) is that if you want to do something you can just go do it.

I have always wanted to tap dance. As a kid I would make my friends that danced teach me a couple steps and then I would go wildly kicking my feet around the floor. They generously called it “Emma tap”

And now I can just buy my own tap shoes and take tap classes. There’s a place a mile down that road from me that has drop in beginner classes for adults. I went last week and it was the most fun. I am so incredibly excited to get back to doing something I always to do it