#allthefeels

So enough those girly emotions 🤪😉🤣... I truly hope you and Uncle Ron had the best day of fishing 🎣 and bullsh*ting... like old times🥰🥲🥰 and you'll remember this birthday as one of your best! Can't wait to hear all the details 😘 Give everyone up there all my love, and we'll all be together again, soon enough💕

Chapters: 33/? Fandom: Chicago PD (TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton, Kim Burgess & Adam Ruzek, Stella Kidd & Kelly Severide Characters: Jay and Will Halstead's Mother, Maeve, Jay Halstead, Hailey Upton, Natalie Manning, Will Halstead, Trudy Platt, Hank Voight, Adam Ruzek, Kim Burgess, Kevin Atwater, April Sexton, Ethan Choi, Violet Mikami, Stella Kidd, Maggie Lockwood, Owen Manning, Randy "Mouch" McHolland, Kelly Severide, Joe Cruz (Chicago Fire), Christopher Herrmann Additional Tags: Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton Fluff, Domestic Jay Halstead/Hailey Upton, Marriage, Love, Best Friends, Multiple Partners, Detectives, Happy, Sad, Angst, Heartbreak, 21st District Police Station (Chicago PD), Family, Children, Celebrations, Reunions, Adoption, Violet - Freeform, Violet Upton, past trauma, Jay Halstead and Hailey Upton get their shit together, ronald booth - Freeform, A happy ending upstead deserve, Wisconsin cabin, all the feels Summary:

I've been slacking on my communication skills.

and before you rant on how I rattle on and can't seem to stay quiet, that's not what I mean at all.

I'm like "filling the silence" for lack of better terms.

I babble to avoid reality, and the consequences of my previous word vomit are coming to rear their ugly head.

not so much in a context inclusive to me ever just saying something nonsensical to the current situation ambiguously motivated to simply hear myself (I have). but moreover because now, no one is willing to listen.

i’ve come to this absolute pinnacle of despair or disillusion, but it wears down on me. a personification which masquerades itself as this lengthy moment of clarity, while simultaneously existing almost parallel to the illusion that is a tunnel ascending when it is actually grading down to a dark fault.

it’s caused my mind to become erratic, because i’m moving in one direction while my perception is that i am going in another. and it’s left my thoughts in absolute chaos.

my lack of control of my emotions has, at this point, been climax to some seriously eccentric outbursts and breakdowns.

so now i stay timid out of fear and not control.

fear of losing the things i love so much that i fought vigilantly to prove my love for, only to be left feeling everything too much again.

and again, unable to talk.

all these fucking scars and bruises and physical reminders of those emotions and that which i should talk about, and yet the words that coincided with them, the harm and pain that they brought when spoken, are what are actually dragging me back to that dark place.

and still no one to talk to.

no one that will listen.

and no one with anything nice to say.

now i’m ready to let it all out of me, as it so imminently needs to for my mental state to remain somewhat inhabitable.

every word is trapped inside my throat, gaining size and strength and tenacity and fire with every breath.

I'm a ticking time bomb, and its casualty as well.

turns out sticks and stones can't break me,

☆ Reconnection and Renewal ☆

Reconnecting with beloved connections which had been absent for a while from my life has a gentle healing effect on my relational system. 

As memories birth ever new feelings, thoughts, and sensations my present awareness observes it all while engaging with the beloved friend. Observing the layering of memory born sensations, feelings, and thoughts scoring initial moments of reconnecting, like music enhances and colors a movie. 

First of all are the excitement and apprehensive question how much they will open to engaging and how deep they will choose to go in sharing and bearing their hearts and souls to me. There is a fear and tinge of sadness at the thought of them choosing to be defended or evasive. Then there is the warmth of joy at meeting their openness and affection for me. As threads of affection and soul bonds light are enlivened and light up joy expands into ecstatic elation. The intensity of  elation coinciding with the opening of boxes of forgotten and unintegrated feelings of the past. And past pain reminds how we fell into unhealthy relating patterns and wounded each other in the past, admonishing me to be especially mindful and compassionate now. Open questions of a past self present themselves to awareness. Conscience speaks of how I expressed in a unhelpful or even harmful ways towards them and initiates expression of acknowledgment and a heartful apology. Old desires, attachments, and longings return to be remembered, known, honored and given a new place or form in this new adventure in relating. There is grief for all that could not have been, the unattainable dreams for this connection, and the time and life not shared or journeyed together. Making peace with uncomfortable truths, reality as it was, and is. 

And as we share where we are at in life, what we have learned and unlearned, all is in flux and seeking to attune to the relating that wants to unfold for us. There are no definitives or set points beyond our reciprocal love, affection, and choice to relate... all else has to grow into a new form as time shared waters all that had gone underground in months or years of silence and no contact. A fertile void embraces and ambiguity suffuses this renewed relating. New intentions, agreements, and commitments slowly begin to define the bandwidth and intensity of the flow of relating.

Meeting in reciprocal appreciation, playfulness, and engaging in deep soulful exchanges is more than nourishment on various levels of my being and gently washes away distortions and pain induced by hurtful relating and misperceptions in previous relationships ours and others. 

The gift of reconnecting with special souls goes beyond returning their unique frequency to my experience but also induces an integration of relational disruptions and hurts. It feeds the knowing that repair is not just possible but also a possibility for rebirth and renewal in magical and unexpected forms.

Photography by Unknown