#actuallymentalillness

its funny how being totally lucid for half a year convinces you you’re normal “like everybody else”.

first comes the social anxiety and misanthropy with unfamiliar faces/people,

then comes dissociation, which for me is a time where I strangely, am way more attuned to memories of my life where I was dissociated prior- mostly really bad times…

and then it all comes to a head when I consider taking my meds again.

the meds without the antipsych to balance it usually just make me manic though, and since I lost my gp and its already November, AND my insurance coverage is to disappear at the end of this year, it’s probably more advisable not to do anything- in terms of dipping back into my old anti-depressants.

so, here I am. back to being depressed. back to remembering again very bad times with a sharpness of recall, back to feeling like a person who knows they’re losing it again.

I hate this time of year. I always predictably lose my mind at this time, and again, in early spring. late spring to summer usually I feel so normal its almost like I’ve made this up, but I always so spectacularly lose my mind at those previously mentioned, two general points in the year.

it makes me miss myself mostly.