https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4yGXeEazLiNia6in2QBOg1?si=0kvpUvRDQoOxDWM5Y4BRxw

Hey there! Thanks for reaching out, and I’ll try to give the best advice that I can. I’m not an expert though.  

First, one of the best assumptions to make when deeply questioning aspects of yourself is that you’re likely not “faking it” or doing something to get attention. You wouldn’t think or care about something so much, if it wasn’t real in some type of way. 

Next, I think that even if you found out that you don’t have BPD, or if you don’t get officially diagnosed, that doesn’t mean that you can’t trust your ability to know things about yourself. It might mean that there are better ways to describe your symptoms and experiences, or even that a mental health professional didn’t get it right, or many other possibilities.  

Also, since you are in a place of trying to figure out what’s going and if you’re afraid to talk to mental health professionals right now, maybe do some research on BPD and other mental health disorders. Getting some education medically can be a good way to explore your symptoms. In addition to that, finding people’s personal anecdotes and asking questions is also a good way to get more information and see if you relate to some experiences. I would recommend avoiding platforms that encourage self destruction in any type of way though. That likely won’t be helpful. 

In the end, I do think at some point that you should talk to mental health professionals about your questions and concerns. Not all mental health professionals are created equal, but they do have some knowledge that people like me don’t and they also have more power in helping you find the right treatment.   

Thank you for sending an ask! This is a question that I receive a fair amount so hopefully my answer ends up being sufficient. 

My journey of getting to an official BPD diagnosis was a long road. For most of my adolescence, therapists and psychiatrists put down depression, generalized anxiety, and PTSD as my official diagnoses (this was likely due to being under 18, and the way stigma influences mental health professionals to not give a BPD diagnosis). Interestingly enough, the first time I went to a crisis center when I was 11, the person evaluating me had said to my parents that I might have BPD. But, it wasn’t until I was 17 that mental health professionals started acknowledging that my array of symptoms might be BPD. After two different instances of being hospitalized during my senior year of high school, I was referred to a DBT program, because other therapy forms had not worked out for me. The new therapist I received there, who is also the one that I am still seeing, was the one who gave me the official diagnosis of BPD.  

However, I did not receive the diagnosis right away. Apparently, the coordinator of the DBT program had put down depression and anxiety for me after my intake meeting, despite me checking off all of the criteria for BPD (minus ED behaviors). At this point, I had already self-diagnosed because I knew depression and anxiety didn’t describe all of my experiences. When I was needing official documentation to prove that I needed accommodations at my college, that is when my therapist told me about what was in my file and he and I both agreed that I have BPD. So, it wasn’t until I was almost 19 that I got the official diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder in my files, even though my symptoms and experiences had pointed to it for years.  

When I received this official diagnosis, I felt a sense of relief because I was finally validated. I also depersonalized a bit at first because it was a big diagnosis to accept that is mine. Overall now though, I feel powerful. I feel a sense of empowerment, because I consensually had that diagnosis in my file, and I chose to accept it because taking on this diagnosis is me fighting against mental health professional who refuse to give a BPD diagnosis due to stigma. Sometimes, I have to remind myself not define my whole self by this diagnosis, because it can be consuming at times. I also have to fight the internalized ableism that sometimes comes with having this diagnosis. In the end though, I am happy that it is in my file, because it helps me be aware and name my experiences. It helps me learn to cope with my symptoms healthier and it makes me a better advocate for other people who have Borderline Personality Disorder, and other related disorders. I want to help the world stop holding so much stigma against people like me, and by owning my experiences and symptoms, I am making the world and I better.