If I'm bein' honest when you look at me
It's like kissin' a million angels
And every tattoo's so intoxicating
From your neck and right down to your ankles
Max knows that they should be asleep. He can hear his fatherās voice in his head, telling him that he needs to get at least 8 hours of sleep or heāll be drowsy for the race and wonāt compete as well. But Max has already won the championship and locked down the constructors so it doesnāt matter as much. Besides, itās the last race of the season, he can break some of his rules.
Itās also Danielās last race, maybe ever. And thatās enough to keep Max wide awake. Maybe if he never falls asleep, the day wonāt come.
And Daniel is looking at him, dark eyes soft and sweet and itās so so much. Max canāt breathe when Daniel looks at him like that. So instead, he doesnāt meet Danielās gaze, letting his eyes and fingers trace over Danielās tattoos instead.
Daniel has the hotel blanket rucked up around his body, but heās rolled over to face Max, leaving his one leg exposed. Itās easier to focus on the muscles in Danielās thighs, the way the black ink decorates his skin than to think about what all of this means.
Because even though when he thinks of Daniel, his heart beats faster, and he feels things he thinks most people would describe as love, heās not really sure where they stand. Especially if Daniel isnāt going to be on the race track anymore.
Fifteen and sixteen, I had to be strong
Twenty-two, I'm still scared of it all
'Cause I know one day I could wake up and you'll be gone
As he traces Danielās thigh, he thinks about when they met. Max had never been the most popular kid growing up, all of his focus going toward racing and training and beating everyone else. It didnāt make him very many friends. At Toro Rosso, Carlos was always nice to him, offering to take Max for dinner or inviting him to workouts. But Max still felt like he was on the outs there. No one likes being the second driver, no matter what Carlos claimed.
But then he moved up to Red Bull and met Daniel and it was the first time heād ever felt normal or liked by anyone heād ever raced with. Daniel was more than a teammate, he was more than a friend. Max thought he hung the stars. And he never really stopped thinking that.
But the question that always circled his brain, poking him at the worst times: does Daniel feel the same?
And I'll just be lonely, missin'
Holdin' your hand when we're half asleep
Lonely, wishin' we never kissed in your backseat
And that's what scares me the most
Knowin' that you could just let me go
And I'll just be lonely, missin'
Holdin' your hand when we're half asleep
And thatās whatās scary to Max. Feeling this way about someone, much less about Daniel Fucking Ricciardo, one of the only people whoās ever seen Max for who he actually is is terrifying.
He moves his hands from Danielās thigh, grabbing his large hand instead, playing with his fingers, tracing over the number 3 etched in Danielās skin.
Sometimes Max wishes heād never made a move. They were in Monaco, Daniel not going back to Australia over the short break, leaving them both some time to see each other off of the track. Michael was there too, which Max didnāt mind. Michael was nice to him, sometimes he invited Max to their training sessions.
Where they were going, Max canāt remember anymore. All he knows is that Danielās hand was on his thigh, both of them slightly tipsy from the wine at dinner. He knows that Daniel had smiled at him, and saw Danielās eyes flick to Maxās lips. And that was all it had taken. Max had climbed onto Danielās lap, catching a surprised but not disappointed look flash across Danielās eyes. Heād pressed their lips together, hard and uncoordinated. But Daniel, like in every other situation Max had ever experienced with him, had taken control, slowing them down, gripping Maxās hips to calm him slightly.
Max doesnāt regret it often, only at times like this, where uncertainty hangs in the air between them. When heās forced to think about what it might be like when Daniel isnāt in the paddock anymore, when they donāt have hotel room beds to share. And he wonders if the loneliness heās destined to feel next year will be worth feeling to have had Daniel for a few years.
Getting kinda tired of turnin' pages
I hopŠµ you're not the type to pull thŠµ same shit
'Cause you could be like everyone I've dated
They don't love me, they just want to see me naked
Daniel can tell that Max is on edge. Heās never the best at talking about his feelings, leaving Daniel guessing. And all Daniel can think is that Max is trying to figure out how to end this, even though this had never really been defined.
And Daniel had thought, or rather hoped, that Max would be different. That Max maybe liked him for him, not for his racing skills or his smile or his body. He was used to people getting tired of him after a while, pushing him aside for someone more exciting or more talented, or more serious.
With Max, it had always been different. Max was a different person with Daniel, a better person. With Daniel, racing mattered less. Even when Daniel had left Red Bull, even when heād started to drop in the standings, winning less and finishing out of the points more, Max hadnāt changed. He still believed that Daniel was a good driver and heād always told Daniel that he was deserving of the best things in the world.
But now, Daniel can only wait for the other shoe to drop. Heās out and Max is the world champion for the second time and itās only a matter of time before Max decides that he can do better than Daniel.
Fifteen and sixteen, I had to be strong
Twenty-two, I'm still scared of it all
'Cause I know one day I could wake up and you'll be gone
Max traces patterns on Danielās thigh and Daniel thinks. He thinks about moving to Europe as a kid, knowing no one. He thinks about the way that he learned how to win people over, he thinks about lying awake in a foreign city, wondering if itāll all be worth it.
He thinks about choosing to leave Red Bull, remembers the tears in Maxās eyes when heād told him. He thinks about how he thought it would be over then, that Max would cut all ties with him, devotion to Red Bull reigning over everything.
And he thinks about how Max didnāt. How Max treated him the same way heād always had. He thinks about how he doesnāt know what he would do if Max stopped thinking of him like that.
And I'll just be lonely, missin'
Holdin' your hand when we're half asleep
Lonely, wishin' we never kissed in your backseat
And that's what scares me the most
Knowin' that you could just let me go
And I'll just be lonely, missin'
Holding your hand when we're half asleep
He thinks about their first kiss, in the backseat of Danielās Renault, Michael driving them from dinner to a bar, the short break allowing them time to enjoy each otherās company. Daniel had been pleasantly surprised when Max had spent most of that break with him and not with Lando or another driver. He doesnāt think heāll ever forget the moment that Max kissed him, shuffling over the armrest to crawl into Danielās lap. It was messy, too eager, and Daniel remembers thinking that it was the best kiss heād ever had. He remembers gripping Maxās hips to settle the younger man, taking control to slow it down, savour it, remember it.
And then theyād just never stopped, Daniel too scared to define it. But now, laying here next to Max, one race left for Daniel (maybe ever), he wishes he could go back to that day. Wishes he would have made Max his right there and then. Wishes heād ever had the courage to do it.
But instead, heās here, worrying about the impending end, feeling Maxās deft hands tracing the number three on his finger over and over again.
If I'm bein' honest when you look at me
It's like kissin' a million angels
And every tattoo's so intoxicating
From your neck and right down to your ankles
But that's what scares me the most
It'll tear me apart when you go
Max feels Daniel clutch his hand and he reluctantly lets his eyes meet Danielās. Thereās so much emotion there, and anyone other than Max might not know what Daniel is feeling, what he canāt say.
But Max does. He knows Daniel more than anyone. He knows that he has to do something here, knows Daniel is feeling small and down this season. If anyone is going to do something, itās going to be Max.
He steels himself, letting himself clutch Danielās hand once more, letting himself look at Daniel one more time, letting himself remember what it feels like to love and be loved by Daniel.
And then he sits up, pulls Danielās head into his lap, runs his hands through Danielās curls, and says,
āDaniel, we need to talk.ā
Read on A03: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43181628
