#03.13.17

I almost gave into the pain tonight.  My friend gave me an alternative to use instead of shedding blood. She told me to wear a rubber band and smack myself with it if I ever felt like doing bad things to myself.  It’s been working, but tonight was almost unbearable.  Tonight, I told him the truth. Tonight, I finally told him the secret that I’ve been holding since December.  Three long months of holding something in.  I was getting hurt every single day.  I always remembered telling myself “I wonder who has it worse? Me or him?” I used to think that it was him.  Then I started realizing that every single day that passed by, I was the one getting hurt, because at the end of the day, the person I was in love with never chose me.  Yeah we had our fun, but maybe that’s all it was? I know he had feelings for me, but how genuine were they? This person lied a lot to my friend, how do I know he wasn’t lying to me too? So, I started to realize that I was the one that had it worse.  My friend just got hurt once, and that was tonight.  Unlike me, it was ninety-three days of endless torture. I remember almost every single time I told this person I was so “in love” with that I wanted to tell my friend the truth.  Like when he left back home, or when I started to realize I couldn’t have him anymore, or the time I found out he lied to me when I asked him about smoking a cigarette. I had so many chances, but I never got to tell this secret.  I kept telling myself I was doing it for the both of them. But at what cost? I’ve lost my focus in school.  I resorted to the dumbest thing possible - harming myself.  It made me cry myself to sleep.  It made me want to quit my job.  I even almost went to a therapist.  And most importantly it made me lose two of the most dearest people in my entire life.  This was eating me from the inside out.  I can’t believe I held on to this for so long.  I just knew my friend needed to know the truth about this person because he wanted to go see him again.  He couldn’t be living in a lie.  I couldn’t let him be fake happy.  I care about him too much.  And I needed to make up for everything that I put him through.  To be honest, when he came over tonight, I wasn’t planning on telling him anything.  I just wanted to give him my gratitude and wealthiest wishes to him for being happy.  I was going to continue to lie to him.  I’m glad I didn’t though.  Because, now that it’s out in the open and known, and he finally understands everything I did:  the lying the crying the tantrums the curiosity  the fights He didn’t understand any of it.  And now he does.  And now he’s forgiven me.  And honestly, I’ve been waiting to hear that for a very long time.  Tonight, he saved me from cutting myself again.  I almost did it. I had my knife in front of me on my bed. But then he called me to tell me that everything was fine.  He was upset and defended me when my “lover” tried to blame it on me.  He told me not to worry.  And then he told me things I needed to hear.  Like how sorry he was, and how much he understands me.  Then he told me that he was sorry that I was going through all this right now. He just found out his “friend” was cheating on him and yet he was sorry for me? Then I said that I’ve had worst days.  Which was very true. Especially days when I woke up sad for no reason and the day just never got better for me.  He said that he couldn’t deal with me saying that.  It really hurt him to know that I’ve had “worse” days than tonight, because tonight was pretty bad.  I told him how I never wanted us to not be friends anymore, but then this boy tore us apart.  I told him how much I miss him, and wished he was still in my life to pick me up. He’s always been my backbone, my spine.  He’s always told me things that I needed to hear.  That’s what I’ve always loved about him.  He would never lie to me when I needed the truth the most.  I still love him. I just never realized it, until now.  I’ve had so much rage bottled up inside that I thought I resented him. I thought I could live without him.  Who knows, maybe I can’t, but I sure will try at the least.  I can’t rely on anyone to be happy. And to be honest I don’t want him out of my life for good.  So, I was happy to hear him say that he’ll always be there for me no matter what.  I know we shouldn’t be friends.  He is my ex-boyfriend after all. I’m willing to look past that and just see him as someone who genuinely cares about my well-being.  It sure is hard to find someone like that these days. Someone that doesn’t use you for sex or money.  I just hope things get better. Now that this weight has been lifted off my shoulders, I hope I can finally move on and be happy for once. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was actually happy.  Love always, Alex 

Top 10 NBA Plays of the Night: 03.13.17

03.13.17 unfortunately this is the only specimen of today’s contents ( courtesy of tanner bostian ) due to my phone running out of space unable to capture more quality moments. daylight savings really is a pain in the ass.. who knew losing just one hour would be so shitty and cause me to be half dead the entire day. in history jay told me of his school in korea and that he sleeps at 1am every night studying but never feels tired. got some algebra done in study hall but obviously laughed more than worked bc of tanner’s stupid snapchats and anders' and katie's stupid remarks. "why are you looking at your science book like that" "because I wanna be a doctor" "I'm mysexual" lunch and english are a blur, but I do recall making shit up in bible for our inefficient group who wouldn’t cooperate. spent spanish watching a sketchy ass novella. almost fought T and went to volleyball which was real rough at first. bruce dropped me off, I took a shower, and had a car talk with my mom where I made her laugh until she almost got into an accident telling her stories of soccer kicks and her giving me advice in return yet again. then tanner called me while we were in whole foods to tell me he drank his brother’s urine “on accident” and that he was gonna make shit brownies to break even. and then my favorite person ever called katie and I only to have the most fulfilling talk I’ve ever had in my life about music and careers and making deals and worshipping and meeting people and making time for us and getting serious about where we want to go with the gift we were given.

Kawhi Leads Spurs to Win Over Hawks | 03.13.17

Rubio and Towns Post Monster Lines in Win | 03.13.17

Hayward Scores 27 in Win Over LA Clippers | 03.13.17

Grizzlies Dish Out 30 Assists in Win | 03.13.17