t4four and more...

Put your hand up if you often find yourself waiting for things?  Waiting for a promotion….waiting for an exam result….waiting for a medical test result…waiting for a holiday…waiting to move house…waiting to become a certain age….waiting for a certain event to happen…waiting to get better…waiting to hear some news….waiting to hear the outcome of something…waiting for a promotion….waiting to be able to afford something….waiting for the children to get older…waiting for the divorce….waiting until after the surgical procedure?

I decided at the beginning of this year that I wanted to blog more regularly.  I’ve had some lovely comments about my blog and how I should write more often, but a lot’s happened since the beginning of 2022 (I like to keep life interesting and unexpected!) and it struck me that I’ve been playing some of these “waiting” scenarios in my head before I write my next entry.  Today I suddenly realised….”Surely, that’s the whole point?  That we should act in the waiting, that sometimes the best things happen in the waiting, because waiting doesn’t mean everything else has to stop.”

Now, I appreciate that some things you can’t do until you have waited.  For example, you do have to be a certain age to do some things and you have to be a certain height to ride some rides…the list goes on.  However, that doesn’t mean everything has to stop in the waiting.  It doesn’t mean we have to stop having fun in the waiting.  It doesn’t mean we have to stop making a difference in the waiting, or living our dreams, or trying our best, or trying new things, or being happy.

Following some gynae problems that started last year, I’ve spent a lot of time this year waiting for appointments to investigate, waiting for results from investigations, waiting for surgery (to remove a football sized ovarian cyst and a full hysterectomy), waiting for pathology results (low grade ovarian cancer), waiting for a referral to another specialist cancer team following the pathology results, waiting for another appointment, waiting for more surgery (removal of appendix) and now waiting for more pathology results following the removal of the appendix!  

In addition to this more recent waiting, it feels like I have had to do a lot of waiting and being patient in the last few years, infact, probably the last decade and a half.  But it’s finally dawned on me that in actual fact, life for everyone is a whole series of different waiting rooms for all sorts of different things and, if we are not careful, we will end up continually waiting for things instead of getting on with our lives, instead of living in the moment, instead of enjoying every day.  

How often do we play that phrase over in our head, “I’ll be happy when….” .  Or, “I’m just waiting for that result and then I can move on and ….book that holiday, go to the party, live my best life, be confident” etc etc.  So, today I realise that now is the time to write the blog entry, now is the time to do the things that make us happy and live out our dreams and our wish lists. Why stay in the waiting room being bored?!  Why not take the ticket with the number on and get on with your life until your number is called!?  

God doesn’t want us to be miserable in the waiting.  I do believe that He often makes us wait for things.  This isn’t to be mean or cruel, it’s because He knows the whole picture, He knows what’s best for us and He knows that we learn things in the waiting. We learn patience, resilience, how to love in the tough times as well as the good, perseverance, kindness and so many other things.   I believe He also wants us to make a difference in the waiting….a difference to others, to give ourselves to others.  

So, instead of looking down at our shoes or staring at the ceiling (or our phones!) in the waiting room; what if we open our eyes and see all the other people around us in the waiting room?  What if we find a way to help them and be kind?  What if we ask them a question that makes them look up and feel heard in their waiting?  What if that thing we say to the stranger in the waiting room makes them take their ticket with the number on and start enjoying their life?  What if we find a way to be kind in the waiting?  What if we find another skill that we never knew we had in the waiting?  A way to connect with another human being, a way to live our best life, a way to have fun, to leave behind a legacy of love, kindness and positivity?

So, today I encourage you to look up in the waiting, to live life as if you’re not waiting, because it’s a lot more fun to be running along the beach with your hair blowing the breeze, a beer in your hand (if you’re not waiting to be 18!!), lifting your face to the sun, loving others, making a difference and being happy!  

It’s time I wrote another entry on my blog, it’s been a while.  Tough stuff has been going on, in between the light – and let me tell you, there is always light, sometimes you just have to look for it really hard.  

The saying goes that lightening doesn’t strike twice in the same place.  However, I am testament to the fact that that is not true!  I was testament to that when I experienced my second missed miscarriage over 20 years ago and I’m testament to that more recently with cancer.  Having been diagnosed with breast cancer in 2019, I have recently had a football sized ovarian cyst removed and a full hysterectomy (I will spare you the boring details!) and the cyst turned out to be early stage ovarian cancer.  But…and there is always a but...the fact that they were able to remove the cyst in one piece and do a full hysterectomy, I should not need any further treatment. 

Let’s just say it’s been a whirlwind start to 2022 and I have a very impressive midline incision scar that had 43 clips in it!  I’d say my bikini days are over but I’m wondering if I could make up some elaborate story about being attacked by a shark! Alternatively I could turn it into a very cool piece of tattoo artwork!

My faith stands stronger than ever and all I can say is, thank goodness for Jesus and bf, both who have looked after me!  I had less than a week’s notice that I would need major surgery and bf was in Dubai at the time (lads football holiday!) landing back in the UK  just as I was wheeled back onto the ward after a 2 hour surgery (rather high on morphine at the time! That’s me not bf!!).  Sadly, Covid restrictions meant I was unable to have visitors so I didn’t get to see bf until he picked me up from the hospital 6 days later and he has been looking after me ever since.  For the second time, he has shown his empathy and commitment to me in a massive way, and for that I am truly grateful.  

I have now had 2 warnings to make me sit up and take notice, 2 warnings to remind me that life is precious and you need to live it and that’s exactly what I intend to do.  My new bucket list has been written and as soon as I am able to start being more physically active I will be going on adventures (still no bungy jumps or sky dives!) and leaving the dust and laundry!  In the meantime I’m sure I can manage a few walks on the beach, many a glass of fizz to celebrate anything we can think of and an afternoon tea or two...or three.  Who wants to join me!?

I will leave you with a poem I have written….a poem for you to ponder….

It’s Time

It’s time to shout from the rooftops….”live your life”

It’s time to accept that life can be tough

The dips, the twists the turns

The highs, the lows, the ups the downs

The rough…that often seems a helluva lot more than the smooth

I’ve had cancer…twice

But I’m still here, to tell the tale

Some are not and that doesn’t seem fair

But what I do know is that life can be wonderful

Never miss those moments because they will sustain you

In the darkest moments

I am so very blessed

And I have a God who loves me

It will be ok…..if it’s not ok…it’s not the end

There seems to be a National day (or month) for everything….you name it, there is a day for it….Wear Red Day, National Yorkshire Pudding Day and Smile Day, to name but a few.  There are some really random days such as Ice Cream for Breakfast Day, World Octopus Day, National Hug a Bear Day (I mean, where are you going to find a bear and how dangerous is that!?) and Towel Day which, apparently is celebrated every year on 25 May as a tribute to the author Douglas Adams. On this day, fans openly carry a towel with them, as described in Adams' The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, to demonstrate their appreciation for the books and the author.   Some of my favourite days are Eat What you Want Day, World Gin Day, World Chocolate Day and Global Champagne Day (hmmmm, I’ve just realised my favourite days centre around food and alchohol...oops!) which happened to be yesterday! Shame I realised too late! If you want to check out when any of these days happen or see what else you can celebrate, take a look here: Awareness Days in United Kingdom in 2021 | There is a Day for That!

The month of October, in the land of National days, is a poignant one for me and has a handful of subjects that have touched my life in a profound way – It’s Breast Cancer Awareness month, a Wave of Light – Baby Loss Awareness week and last weekend was World Mental Health Day, something that is currently touching my life in an all consuming, heart breaking way with one of my nearest and dearest.  I’m not ready to talk about it just yet but I hope that one day I will be able to and maybe it will help someone else going through similar.

I’ve spoken about my breast cancer diagnosis on here previously and I’m pleased to report that I’m well in that regard.  A subject that I don’t think I have touched on before are the miscarriages I experienced in the late 90’s.  Every year, when “Wave of Light” happens, it gives me time to pause and reflect on that time in my life when I so desperately wanted a second baby, but 2 very complicated miscarriages and health concerns meant it just wasn’t happening. Both miscarriages were “missed” miscarriages meaning we found out at the 12 week scan when there was no heartbeat and both miscarriages weren’t without their complications.  I almost had to have a hysterectomy after the first one due to haemorrhaging and a suspected partial molar pregnancy and the second being a suspected ectopic pregnancy to start with, along with a laparoscopy and trips to the hospital for blood tests every other day.  

At the end of the day, no matter how a miscarriage presents, it’s the “loss” of your baby, a loss of your hopes and expectations and it can be devastating. I hesitate when I use the word “loss” as if  my babies were something that could be found again; as if I was careless enough to lose them through some fault of my own.  But, right now I can’t think of another word that I want to use and it’s a word that is more easily accepted by others than the word “death”.  I could write for ages on this subject but I think the two pieces of prose I wrote soon after each miscarriage, probably explain the depth of feelings better than I can now, over 20 years after they happened. Mind you, the depth of sadness that I never got to meet those 2 little babies of mine, can still feel as raw as the day it happened.  Grief is a funny thing, it’s not linear and there is no pattern and despite what some people may say or think, you never “get over it” but instead learn to “live with it”. I will sign off now and leave you those pieces of prose to read at your leisure - if you feel like it.  It might be too much to read it and that’s ok. Please know that if you have been through this or anything like it I am sending you a huge hug and lots of love. Be kind to yourself.

A Tribute to Our Baby (written 22/10/98)

Last night we lost our baby. I was nearly 12 weeks pregnant and the baby had died about a week before. We found out at the routine 12 week scan and were completely unprepared. We will never forget how still our baby looked on the screen and the look on the sonographers face as she told us she couldn’t find our baby’s heartbeat. I had to wait two days before they did an ERPC to remove everything from my uterus. I will never be able to explain to anyone how it felt knowing that I had a dead baby inside me, a baby who was wanted so much and who we so wanted to be alive. During the last few weeks since knowing I was pregnant, we had begun to dream about the baby and make plans for it. We opened a corner of our hearts to make room for it, and we had planned a brother or sister for Ashley. We began to wonder whether it would be a boy or a girl and joked about whether it would be as heavy as Ashley and whether it would come early or late. We had started to think about names for the baby and how exciting it would be to have a new baby in the house. This baby began to fill a corner of our hearts with thoughts, dreams and love. We wanted and planned for this baby, we wanted the age gap to be “just right” and we were thrilled the baby was due in May, what a lovely time of year for a baby to be born, not too hot, not too cold, just right. As my uterus grew so did our love and excitement. Although our short-lived dreams will never come to fruition, and although it was less than 2 months that we knew about this baby, our hearts had started to grow and fill and our baby was very real and already a part of our family. But, we will never hold our baby. We will never get to see a first smile, nor will we hear “Dada” from its lips. He will never get to be a footballer, or she a writer. Our precious unborn child has been called into the ranks of angels before ever being born. We like to think that God needed him or her more than we did here on earth and we like to think that our Nan’s and Grandad’s and Chris in heaven are looking after our baby now, holding our baby in their arms, keeping him or her warm and cuddled. Please don’t tell us that it was “for the best”. Our grief is real. Please don’t tell us that there was obviously something wrong with the baby and it is better now than later. We know all this, it goes round our heads all day and we look for reasons why. Please don’t tell us we can try again. Of course we know that, but we must be given time to heal. Time to think about this little angel. Time to mourn. Just tell us you are sorry and that our family is in your thoughts and prayers. That’s all. Though our baby may be in heaven, we have an empty corner in our hearts. With love always to our unborn but not unloved baby. 

Mummy, Daddy and Ashley 22 October 1998

Hidden Grief

By Tracy (written in 2000)

“I feel like a blank playing card”

That’s all that kept coming into my mind

As I lay in my hospital bed

After they had taken my baby from me

As I lay there I kept thinking

Why me, why again, why us?

Why has it happened again

Why did our baby die

We never got to hold our baby

We never got to see our baby

I didn’t even get to enjoy the later

Most wonderful part of pregnancy

I waited with the nurse

To go into the operating theatre

“It won’t always be like this”, she said

“I know what it’s like”, “It’s the hidden grief isn’t it?”

Her words struck a chord

And as tears tumbled down my cheek

She squeezed my hand

She knew, she really knew

I should speak to my friends

But I can’t

What is there to say

That wasn’t said when it happened before

I am overwhelmed by all the kind messages

But only those who have experienced the pain

Really know

How I feel

I know I must count my blessings; I have many

But I still want our baby

I have 2 angels now, but what I really want

Is to hold a baby that is ours, to keep

I will continue my life

For I have so much to be thankful for

I will be a stronger person for all that has happened

Eventually

And as I go about each day

The grief will be hidden, hidden away

For it is a grief

That is so little understood

#waveoflight #babylossawarenessweek2021

I often read the UCB “Word for Today” and find words of wisdom and comfort. The New Year’s Eve entry was one that really resonated with me and I felt that, as we enter a new year, there may be some of you who also need to hear these words.....

UCB Word for Today Let go, and let God 31 DECEMBER 2020 ‘Give your burdens to the LORD   ’Psalm 55:22 NLT 

Are you burdened about someone you love? Have your efforts to help them failed? Let go, and let God deal with them! Letting go doesn’t mean you stop caring; it just means you can’t do it for them. Letting go isn’t about cutting yourself off; it’s about realising you didn’t cause the problem, and you can’t cure it, and you can’t control it. It’s about letting others learn from their consequences. It’s admitting that this time the outcome is not in your hands. It’s not about blaming or trying to change the other person; but having the wisdom to recognise you can only change yourself. It’s ‘caring about’, instead of ‘caretaking’. It’s being supportive without trying to fix them, and instead of judging, allowing them to be a human being. Letting go means instead of wading into the middle and trying to control every possible outcome, you allow others to affect their own outcomes. Instead of hovering and being overprotective, it’s about permitting them to face reality. It’s about accepting instead of denying. And rather than nagging, scolding, and arguing, learning to work on your own shortcomings. Letting go means instead of trying to adjust everything to your own desires, you take each day as it comes and cherish each moment. It means instead of criticising and regulating, you learn to focus on the purpose to which God has called you. It means not looking back with regret on the past, and focusing instead on growing and living for the future. Letting go is about fearing less and loving more. The word for today is – let go, and let God!

This year has been crazy in so many ways.  I've worked as a youth support worker for seriously ill children and their families throughout and, thanks to my wonderful customers, have also grown my little business.  I won't lie....I'm exhausted and ready for a break and my head is spinning with all the different rules and opinions being put out there.  

My thoughts often turn to our bereaved families, but more so at Christmas time....during a year like no other, we are all missing our families and loved ones but there can be no comparison to the loss of a child and I will never even pretend to know what that’s like.  What I do know is that these families hearts are forever broken.  It's never something they are going to "get over", nor should they.  

I appreciate that this Christmas is not what we hoped for and there is a place for grieving that and being sad, but at the risk of "speaking out", which is something I don't generally do, I ask you to turn your thoughts to those who are missing their loved ones and can never spend another Christmas with them, those who don't have the joy of a telephone or video call with their loved ones, who can't hear their voice or hug them.  Speak their loved ones name, let them know you are thinking of them, let them know they matter and that you remember their loved one, share a happy memory.   

I also encourage you to look for joy in the simple things, a beautiful sunset, a crisp frosty morning, a call from a friend, a coffee shared with a loved one, a good book and a cup of hot chocolate, movies and pyjamas, lie ins, board games, lazy mornings, long walks, a glass of your favourite wine.............

I want to enjoy all these things and experience my Christmas for real and not through a screen (unless it's on a Zoom with my loved ones!) so I'm taking a social media holiday until the New Year.

“Today I just feel sad”....that is what I was going to call today’s blog entry but as I started writing it, I realised that my memories made me smile through the tears so I changed it to “Memories of special people” and then as I got to the end of it I decided “ A room full of love...” was a better title.  Read on and you’ll understand why!

Yesterday would have been my Nan’s 103rd birthday and this is our 4th Christmas without her.  I have so many fond memories of Christmas with my Nan and Grandad and the mountains of food she served up for Christmas dinner (or whenever we went there for a Sunday roast!) along with about 10 different choices of dessert.  She would dish us up a little bit of every single one and insist we went back for seconds!  I honestly used to have to go upstairs and lay down on the bed after those dinners I was so full!  In more recent years, Nan was too frail to host Christmas and even too frail to visit our homes, so instead, we would go and visit her in her little flat and all gather around her bed where she would tell us funny stories of times past (some of which she had told us many times before!) and jokes that made her and us laugh.  Sometimes, she was laughing so hard when she told us the joke she couldn’t even get the words out!  There would often be a game of scrabble and my nan was the Queen of scrabble and would thrash me every time.  Somehow my nan could put down one or two letters and manage to get all time high scores just on one turn!  When it was time to leave, she would direct us to her “cupboard” and tell us what to take home with us, amongst other things there would usually be a bottle of wine (my nan knew what I loved!), a packet of soft mints, a few packets of sweets and kit kats and often a crisp £5 note for each of the children that she would hand us from her little notebook she kept by her bed.  And even from her bed, she knew exactly what was in her fridge on which shelf and she would instruct us to go and put some jelly and fruit and custard in a bowl and eat it while we were there!  She couldn’t host a Sunday roast but we still managed to roll out of there full up of food with a bag full of goodies to eat in the car and take home!

Today would have been my Dad’s 87th birthday and this is our 5th Christmas without him.  My Dad was fun, comfort and love all rolled into one at Christmas and his hugs are what I miss most of all (oh and his gin and tonics!!).  He was my hero, the one constant male in my life who made me feel unconditionally loved right up until the day he died when he managed to whisper in my ear “I love you very very very very very much, you don’t know how much I love you”.  Those words will stay with me forever.  His last birthday was spent in the hospice when he turned 82, and was one of his last days being able to sit up; we all gathered around his bed and sang happy birthday to him and decorated his room with “Brian’s Bobble hats” that we’d been making and Christmas cards from loved ones.  That room, in his final days, was filled with so much love, that it was almost palpable.  One of the things I loved about Christmas Day with Dad is that he would pour me a gin and tonic the minute I arrived, no matter whether it was morning, noon or evening!  And it was the best gin and tonic ever - perfectly poured, rather strong (nicknamed a Double Dawsons after one of his old work mates), and with just the right amount of tonic, lemon and ice!  We even managed to sneak him a last birthday gin and tonic in the hospice!

So, whilst I do feel sad, and it’s important we allow ourselves to feel sad, I can smile through the tears and feel so blessed that I had these very special people in my life and was loved beyond measure.  And on that note, I’m going to pour myself a Double Dawsons and raise a toast to my Dad on his birthday!  Bottoms up!  Happy Heavenly birthday Dad.

A couple of weeks ago I shared the following on my Tropic VIP Customer page and my lovely Mum, after reading it, asked if it was on my blog.  When I told her no, she said she thought it would be a really good blog entry so here it is!  I think it’s a good example of how day to day life is full of ups and downs and if we didn’t have the downs, we wouldn’t truly be able to appreciate the ups.  That’s what I believe anyhow!.....yin and yang, rough and smooth, good and bad, happy and sad.....whatever you like to call it....that’s life!

18 months ago I started something wonderful - a self employed 2nd job to help pay the bills and some nice things for my children

17 months ago I had a breast cancer diagnosis

16 months ago I'd earnt back my small investment in the business and more

15 months ago I was going going through 4 weeks of daily intense radiotherapy

14 months ago I became a Tropic Team Ambassador

13 months ago I waved my eldest off at the airport to start his adventures in Australia

12 months ago my business was going from strength to strength and helped pay for a holiday

11 months ago the effects of cancer treatment and surgery were really kicking in and I was feeling rubbish

10 months ago my little part time business helped pay for Christmas

9 months ago I was still feeling some serious post cancer fatigue

8 months ago my little part time business was growing and I was enjoying encouraging my team members and watching their success

7 months ago we were in the midst of a pandemic lockdown and little did I know I wouldn't see my long term partner for nearly 3 months

6 months ago my team and I celebrated our best month of Tropic sales

5 months ago our world slowly started opening up again

4 months ago I was feeling really grateful that I had 2 jobs that had kept me in work and earning an income throughout both a cancer diagnosis and a worldwide pandemic! 

3 months ago I enjoyed some time off of work whilst still earning money down at the Beach making up for lost time with my bf

2 months ago I watched the live Tropic Glambassadors whilst celebrating my birthday in my back garden!

1 month ago I marvelled at how amazing this business is and how incredibly supportive and inspiring our founder, Susie Ma, is!

I haven’t “blogged” for a while and, oh my, how the world has changed since my last entry! If someone had told me any of the following at the beginning of the year I’d have said they were completely bonkers:

A face mask is the new must have accessory

You won’t see or hug your bf for almost 3 months

You won’t be able to freely hug your Mum or friends or anyone outside of your “bubble”

You’ll have a support bubble (I never even knew what one of them was!)

You’ll be social distancing from March onwards (I never even knew that was a thing in January!)

You’ll have to queue 2 meters apart to get in a charity shop

You’ll be working via Zoom and supporting children remotely

All big cities in the world will have weeks being like ghost towns....no people, no cars.....

We won’t be able to go on holiday

Like many, I’m still trying to get my head round everything and frustrated that there seems to be no end in sight.  

Sometimes I’m fearful, sometimes I feel blessed that I’m safe and have a job, sometimes I worry about catching the virus and being one of the ones that gets it badly because of my age and being post cancer treatment, sometimes I can trust God to know that I am safe in his hands, sometimes I think I had it back in February after I travelled to Spain and hope that means I’ll be ok, sometimes I worry I might pass it on unwittingly to someone vulnerable if I’m one of the 80% who are asymptomatic, sometimes I wish my eldest was back home safe in the nest with the other 2 chicks, sometimes I’m glad he’s in a country where it is so much safer from Covid than here, sometimes I wish we would go back into lockdown when I felt safe in my little house with no outside contact, sometimes I’m terrified I’ll have to go back into lockdown with no outside contact (when I wrote this we weren’t in lockdown phase 2!), sometimes I feel grateful I had that time with just my 2 teenagers and I in the house, sometimes I struggle being the only “adult” with two teenage dependents and all the adolescent behaviours to go with it, sometimes I wish things would go back to normal, sometimes I’m terrified things will go back to normal, sometimes I worry about the effects this is going to have on the wider population long term, sometimes I worry there will be another virus, maybe an even worse one……so many thoughts and worries, concerns and sadness on this coronacoaster we are on.  

As I’ve said before, sometimes we can only take a day at a time, and as Corrie Ten Boom so wisely said: 

But, we are only human and it’s quite normal to worry about things….. I’ve learnt over the years that it’s ok to have these worries but it’s best to notice them and let them go instead of dwelling on them.  There is a piece of scripture that always helps me when I feel myself starting to dwell on any worries: 

So, do you ever get that feeling that it’s going to “be your year” because you’ve had a few extra difficult ones?! Last year, I was swiped sideways with a breast cancer diagnosis.  I got through it, I had a great medical team who looked after me and I was very fortunate that it was caught early.  I’m still on medication for the next ten years which doesn’t have the nicest side effects but I’m here, I’m well and I’m back working two jobs and being the best parent, friend, colleague, daughter, gf etc, that I can be!!  

Sadly, my cancer diagnosis last year coincided with my plans to celebrate the milestone of turning 50! I had all sorts of things planned that I wanted to do with different groups of friends (despite the fact that I didn’t really want to turn 50), but due to being right in the middle of 4 weeks of daily radiotherapy, and the resulting side effects, I wasn’t really up to doing much celebrating.  I had a quiet but lovely birthday weekend with my nearest and dearest, promising myself that, once I started feeling better, I would spend my 51st year celebrating all year long!!  

Cue, 2020….the early part of 2020 was spent still feeling overwhelmingly fatigued.  I was trying to return to some semblance of normality with the 2 jobs I do, being a single parent, supporting my kids through college and school (both important years for them) and keeping on top of running a home, feeding hungry teenagers (why do they never seem to get full up?!) and coming to terms with the fact that I had a bit of a tough year in 2019.  Then COVID-19 struck…..if I didn’t already feel like I was living in some parallel universe, I certainly do now! 5 weeks in (is it really only that long…it feels like so much longer!) and I’m still trying to work out if I’m living in a dream/nightmare or the world has just turned inside out and gone completely crazy!

Things feel very strange right now as I’m sure everyone can relate.  Things I’ve learnt in the last few weeks:

Most nights dinner feels like an episode of “Ready, Steady, Cook”

I’ve actually found some time to exercise with Joe Wicks PE sessions!

My kids are bickering even more than normal! (If that’s possible!)

Bin night (on a Sunday for us) has never been more exciting….or felt more rebellious!

I’ve discovered Zoom and a minimum of 4 video calls a day is the norm (I used to be terrified of being seen on camera!)

I get really cross when I see news reports of people flouting the rules and taking day trips to the beach….I’m a massive “rule-keeper” and my bf of 11 years lives at the beach and I haven’t seen him for over a month…..

Living in a house with 2 of the “lesser-spotted teenager” variety can be both lonely, crowded and fun!

Home schooling a hormonal teenager doing GCSE’s whilst trying to work from home can be very stressful!

Having 1 child (albeit a 24 year old) living and working on the other side of the world during a worldwide pandemic is hard – I am glad he is happy and it’s where he wants to be right now, but the Mum in me wants all my “chicks in the nest”.  Having said that, Australia seems to be a safer place to be right now so maybe it’s for the best.

Not being able to see your bf of 11 years in the flesh is tough – as bf and I were discussing, it feels a lot like when he went to work in Abu Dhabi for 6 months…. except I was allowed to visit him whilst he was Abu Dhabi – knowing he is less than an hours drive away but we can’t visit each other is such a tease (especially when we have a Zoom date and I can hear the waves in the background!!).  I miss him a lot – I miss our walks, and I really miss his hugs.  I think he misses my cooking!  All the men in my life (ie, my sons) only ever seem to miss my cooking!

I am still able to support children and families remotely, and in fact, can reach more families in new and innovative ways that I will carry forward into my work in the future.   I have the most amazing colleagues and am supported by a very incredible lady/CEO/founder/friend who cares beyond measure for the families and all of her employees.

I am still able to continue with my 2nd income job and I’m so thankful to my lovely customers for supporting me.  Thank goodness for technology that enables us to do this and a supportive, ethical company that has our best interests at heart.

I miss my Mum and sister!

I am good at painting garden fences….and painting garden fences is good therapy!

I’ve finally got round to having a go at growing vegetables! Not sure if it’s going to work but I’ve had fun trying!

We take a lot of things for granted and this time is allowing us to “stop and smell the roses”.

We can connect with people and feel close to them in lots of ways without being physically connected or close.

I’m so glad I have a faith in God which gives me comfort and hope.

I’m really rubbish at quizzes!

I’m sure I’ll think of lots more things but for now, it’s time for me to get to bed (all ready for another night full of hot sweats!!) ready for a new week working, a new week in “lockdown”, and a new week of interesting dinners, and finding new ways to adapt to our new world.

For now the 51st birthday celebrations will have to wait a little longer, but that’s ok, I’m still too tired, but I’m getting there!  This time “indoors” is giving me much needed time to rest and heal and for that I am truly thankful.

Love to you all.

Stay safe, be kind and love one another

The Power of Valempathy……or should it be Empalidation!!

I’ve decided to create a new word from two words that go hand in hand and, in my opinion, essential in positive relationships of all kinds and a wonderful and kind way of showing that you care about someone.

‘validation’ is:

“recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”

And

“To validate someone's feelings is first to accept someone's feelings - and then to understand them - and finally to nurture them. To validate is to acknowledge and accept a person. Invalidation, on the other hand, is to reject, ignore, or judge.”

‘empathy’ is:

“the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”

And

“Emotion researchers generally define empathy as the ability to sense other people's emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling”

I’ve seen, felt and heard the true power of genuine empathy and validation in my life as both the receiver and the giver. I’ve also seen and felt the power of getting it wrong!  

We’ve all had that moment when we are struggling with something and maybe feeling overwhelmed, sad, stressed or worried (or maybe even all of them) and someone sits with us in our pain.  The crazy thing is, what they say is usually very little, but those few words they choose are so perfectly empathetic and non judgemental that it brings us to tears (in a good way).  Finally, we feel like someone understands us and what we are going through.

On the other hand, we have all had those moments where someone offers sympathy and/or to “fix us” and, in my experience, this mostly conjures up feelings of annoyance!  This may sound ungrateful and I don’t mean it to be….and I know I can be guilty of this too….. but in order to feel better what we need most is for our feelings to be validated and for it to be ok for us to be feeling like this.  

The skill of using validation and empathy in relationships can be easier in some situations than others.  As a Mum, I find it a lot harder than in my job as a Youth Support Worker with families in very difficult, sad and challenging situations. I’m sure that’s probably a lot to do with us being fiercely overprotective over our children and the innate need to “fix” our children or “fix” things for them.  I just can’t help myself sometimes….I try and help my children see the positive, be the one to point out how they can make things better or improve the situation….but that’s not what they need right there and then. I often have to remind myself that it’s not what helps me so it’s unlikely to be something that will help them either.   If we can offer true empathy and validation to our children and others, we are offering them a gift that will eventually help them feel understood and to be able to figure things out for themselves.   Also, by modelling genuine empathy and validation we are teaching our children how to show empathy themselves.  

There are a few key phrases that set off alarm bells for me and make me realise I am not showing empathy….the biggest red flag is “At least…..”.  If you are using this phrase you are most definitely not being empathetic, but instead have turned into a “fixer”.  Don’t get me wrong, fixers are good for things such as taps, cars and household appliances but not for people or feelings!  

I know you want to fix things for someone you love who is in pain, but I promise you by showing empathy and validating their feelings, you will help them feel understood, support them in fixing things themselves and your connection with that person will be stronger.

The video in this link explains it really well so if you have a few minutes, I encourage you to watch it…

https://youtu.be/1Evwgu369Jw

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, which probably isn’t a surprise to you anymore if you are a regular reader!  Being the busy person I am, my blog often gets deserted until such a time that I have enough brain space to form an idea of what I might write about next!

This time, it’s roller coasters!  These are often used as an analogy for life and different experiences and today was no different.  I went on the first of 3 group sessions this morning called “Moving Forward”.  Run in collaboration with the NHS and the charity “Breast Cancer Now”, these sessions are to help people, like me, adjust to life after treatment for breast cancer.

We were given a paper written by Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Dr Peter Harvey.  He chose the image of a roller coaster to represent the process of the diagnosis and treatment of cancer and hits the nail on the head when he writes...

“On a roller-coaster, you will be strapped in and sent off into the terror, knowing that there is nothing you can do about it until you emerge, wobbly and battered at the other end.  You manage by getting your head down and dealing with it as best you can at the time.  It is only afterwards, when you are on solid ground again, that you can look back with amazement and view what you have experienced and marvel at your courage.”

I don’t enjoy adrenaline filled fair rides, would never willingly do a bungee jump or jump out of an aeroplane and the only roller coasters I would go on, are the more conservative kind and definitely not ones that go upside down!  My friend at work would testify to this; she has been trying to persuade me to fulfil my “50 before I’m 50″ Charity Challenge by way of a “Wing Walk” or “Sky Dive” but there is no way, absolutely no way I would do either of those!  She then tried to persuade me to go Banger Racing with her but when I learned the car has a roll cage for a reason, I quickly refuted that idea too!  After months trying to persuade me, she has finally got the idea that I’m more of a “sit-on-the-sofa-with-my-feet-up-eating-cake-and-drinking-tea” (or gin if I’m feeling a little more adventurous) kind of a person!  A charity challenge more suited to the non-adrenaline filled junkie that I am, is close to agreement, but more about that another time! 

This Dr Harvey guy knows his stuff and his paper really resonated with me.  When I first discovered I had breast cancer back in June, I felt so well.  I certainly didn’t feel like I had cancer and I couldn’t feel the lump so I didn’t have any physical signs of cancer either.  Dr Harvey writes 

“One of the many paradoxes of cancer is that, more often than not, the treatment makes you feel worse.  This is not surprising - we cut and possibly mutilate, inject you with poisonous and powerful chemicals, subject you to dangerous rays all in the name of treatment.”

 He then goes on to say

 “Some of the treatments drain your energy and resources to such an extent that it’s as much as you can do to put on the kettle.  Add to this the emotional turmoil - the dealing with the impact and implications of the diagnosis, the uncertainty, the upheaval, the additional burden that you feel that you are imposing on family and friends, the loss of so many aspects of your routine.  Emotional stress can be as energy consuming as any physical activity.  After all that, is it any wonder that you feel wrung out and exhausted, without resources or reserves?”  

Hmmm....

I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to get on the “breast cancer” roller coaster, BUT I am glad that I had certain people along for the ride.  I am still dealing with the aftermath, a somewhat smaller roller coaster, but a roller coaster all the same.  Trying to find a “new normal”, when you’re still suffering both the after effects of invasive cancer treatment and the side affects of long term cancer drugs (I will be on Tamoxifen for 10 years which has some not so nice side effects) is a tricky path to walk but I continue to see blessings and things in my life to be grateful for.  I’ve learnt to pace myself, rest when I need to, listen to my body and not be frightened to say no if I don’t feel up to something.  A very lovely and wise lady I know, said this to me recently and I think it’s very true and good to remember: 

“we must all play the long game, knowing a bit of us now will ensure a lot of us in time.“

Living with uncertainty is probably one of the most difficult aspects of living with the aftermath of cancer.  Once you’ve had the diagnosis, no matter how good your prognosis, no matter what preventative drugs they have put you on, there is always that fear of a recurrence but.....

So, I choose to put my trust in God, take one day at a time and look for joy EVERYWHERE!

As I start this blog entry I’m not even sure what to write!   I’m in bed feeling really poorly today and just felt the need to write something!  I didn’t know what to “title” this entry and, as I looked at my blog description, I realised it wasn’t true anymore! 

“Tales and musings of a 40 something mum of 3″! 

I had my birthday last week so I’m not 40 something anymore.  I’m not 50 something either, I’m just plain old 50!  Old being the operative word!  So, then I realised I’m “stuck in the middle” of being 40 something and 50 something.  I won’t lie, it’s been a tough few months receiving a cancer diagnosis, recovering from surgery, waiting for radiotherapy to start and then the radiotherapy itself, so it’s true to say that I feel “stuck in the  middle” for a number of reasons which makes it an appropriate blog title!....

stuck in the middle of 40 something and 50 something

stuck in the middle of mid life

stuck in the middle of cancer treatment

stuck in the middle of a shitty time

I always like to end my blogs on a positive note (which I most definitely will), but I also want to be real and I’m crashing a bit at the moment and feel like I need to have a moan about stuff that really has felt quite shitty! (scuse the language!).  I will then even out the scales of equilibrium and think about all the opposite things that I am really grateful for.

So, things that have felt shitty:

not being able to go to work and make a difference supporting families for the wonderful trust that I work for

not being able to get on with my second job/business that I started just a month before my diagnosis so I can ensure I can provide financially for my children

not having the energy or inclination to have a social life (or stay up late!)

being so tired I have to go to bed before my children

not having the energy or inclination to keep my house tidy and clean and therefore having to look at all the clutter around me!

the soreness, stiffness and scars from surgery

having to cancel plans and birthday celebrations because I’m not feeling well enough

the side effects from taking Tamoxifen, not least being the night sweats and hot flushes (see photo below of a birthday card which made me LOL!)

the soreness from the radiotherapy made worse by having big boobs which is making getting comfortable and sleeping well rather tricky (coupled with the night sweats!)

being a hormonal, tearful mess

driving to the hospital every day for 4 weeks for radiotherapy

getting your “la la’s” out for strangers every day for 4 weeks (to be fair they weren’t strangers by the end of the 4 weeks but still....)

noticing that one boob now looks completely different to the other one and you don’t have a matching pair anymore :( 

not having the energy or inclination to be active and exercise, which along with other things (underactive thyroid/tamoxifen, liking chocolate and cake) makes you feel fat, unfit and frumpy

not being allowed to lose weight (or gain!) even if you could because it will mess up your radiotherapy planning/tattoos

having to do “weigh in Wednesdays” at Radiotherapy to make sure you havent gained or lost much weight!

not being able to sit out in the sun (because of radiotherapy treatment)

finishing your 20th radiotherapy treatment but knowing that the radiation dose has not peaked yet and I’m likely to feel worse / more sore over the next 10-14 days

not being able to take the children away over the summer because of treatment/hospital appointments etc

having a sudden realisation that you actually have had cancer and some very gruelling surgery and treatment which is making you feel a bit fed up

feeling guilty that you’re a bit fed up when you know how fortunate you are that it was caught early and you didn’t have to have chemotherapy

Ok, enough of the moaning.....let’s even things up a bit.  I am grateful.....

for having an amazing job that I can go back to and a really lovely and understanding manager and boss who have made me feel supported fully through this whole process. 

for being part of a fantastic and ethical organisation that allows me to earn a second income around my own time/needs

for my friends who understand if I can’t face going out and will be there to go out with me when I can

for having children who have looked after me and are old enough to put themselves to bed now and have cooked, cleaned and provided lifts and plenty of hugs and love

for our own house to live in and a pillow on which to lay my head, food in the fridge and really lovely neighbours

for the skill of the medical staff to remove the tumour and give me the best treatment

for having a really lovely birthday week feeling loved and looked after and showered with beautiful gifts, cards and flowers

for knowing I can spend the rest of the year celebrating the milestone of turning 50

that the NHS are providing me with a drug that will make it much less likely to have a recurrence of breast cancer 

for having a bf who is kind, caring and understanding and has made me feel so loved through this whole process

that T1 had an amazing time being a Leader at Camp America and came home in time to help out at home and with lifts when my radiotherapy started

that bf lives on the beach only an hour away for time to relax and recuperate and that the sun shone nearly every time I went to the beach

for the fact that Basingstoke has a radiotherapy machine now and I didn’t have to travel to Southampton or Guildford every day

for the respect, kindness and professionalism of the whole Radiotherapy team who looked after me so well and even surprised me on my birthday with prosecco, a card and balloons  

that I had 2 working boobs that have nourished and fed all 3 of my children and that the tumour was removed and the lymph node was clear

that I have finished treatment and in time will be able to resume exercise and start feeling better, becoming more active and losing weight

that I have been able to book a holiday in the sunshine for a few weeks and enjoy time with T2, T3 and bf

that all the technology and advancements means my cancer was caught early and I have a good prognosis

I know I’ve done a couple of gratitude blog entries previously but I highly recommend it to give yourself a bit of a lift....it’s quite an addictive thing to do once you start...I like to think of it like the breastfeeding (apt topic!) sweet pea analogy that they told me when I was pregnant with Ashley at NCT classes - the more you pick the more you grow = the more you feed the more milk you produce = the more you are grateful for, the more things you will notice you have to be grateful for!

And this post can’t go without who I am grateful to for all these things - that would be God - All the glory goes to Him.

If I keep my eyes on Him, I know everything will be ok and whenever I am having a wobble (as I was yesterday), He always sends the right message to let me know that everything will be ok and that I can get through this if I trust in Him.  If you feel like you are in the middle of something that you don’t think you can get through I would encourage you to read it. 

UCB Word for Today - You Can Get Through This

‘He will yet fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy.’   Job 8:21 NIV

I’m looking up....how about you?

So....back to my 50 before I’m 50 list!  As you may know if you’ve been reading my blog, I have written a little about this list of things that I want to do before I’m 50; it’s a very varied list and, not being an adrenaline junkie, it’s probably quite boring to most!  Except for the tattoo.....I wanted to get a tattoo and that is EXTREMELY rebellious for me!  I’ve thought long and hard about this tattoo.  I’ve scoured the internet for the best tattoo artists in the style that I like (delicate floral) and considered the story that I want this “art” to tell.  Whilst all the time cowering at the thought of what Mum would say and Dad would think as he looks down on me from heaven! (they both hate tattoos!).  Anyway, to cut a long story short, having found two very talented artists, I still haven’t managed to get my floral tattoo.  However, today I did get 3 tattoos of a different kind - radiotherapy markers!

If you read my last blog you will know that I am currently going through treatment for breast cancer having had successful surgery at the end of June.  I am healing really well from the surgery and I continue to feel blessed with the amount of love and kindness I have in my life.  I am yet to start taking a drug called Tamoxifen (so I haven’t turned into a raving hormonal looney just yet!) and my radiotherapy - every week day for 4 weeks - starts at the end of August.  Today I had my radiotherapy planning sessions which involves being put through the big polo (CT scanner), being measured up and marked so the radiographers can set you up easily every day during treatment.  Once all measurements are confirmed the pen marks get turned into tattoos so they are there throughout your treatment (and forevermore!).

If you look for synonyms of 'a bolt from the blue' it comes up with things like.....complete surprise, sudden, unexpected, revelation , jolt , bombshell  and usually unwelcome event. Note the words “usually unwelcome”.  From experience, and I’ve had my fair share of these “bolts from the blue”, whilst these “bolts from the blue” generally start out as negative events and bad news, there is often a blessing or two, or three or more that can be found amongst the tragedy.  This may come in the form of a kind person or deed, a new friend, a profound sense of being loved, an opportunity to grow as a person and become an even better version of yourself, a lesson learnt, or a new goal or ambition that you’d never even considered before, a new experience, a new job or home, or  many more wonderful possibilities.

I’ve had another one of those “bolts from the blue” recently.  It came completely unexpected and from nowhere in the form of a breast cancer diagnosis.  I didn’t have a lump, I just casually went along to my first mammogram because I’m 50 this year.  I then got called back for more tests.  I had more mammograms (in the most comical of positions!) and an ultrasound.  The consultant said it was just dense glandular tissue and sent me on my way with a brief warning that they review all pictures and occasionally (but it would be very unlikely) call people back for a second time.  So, you guessed it, I received a call the following week to say they wanted to see me again.  I went back to Winchester hospital for a second time where I had another ultrasound and a biopsy - for anyone who does not know what this entails, it involved a series of needle biopsies (5 in my case) whilst your boob is being squished in the mammogram machine.  Ouch is all that I’ll say!  2 weeks after the biopsies I received the news that I did indeed have invasive breast cancer. The good news was that it was small and slow growing.  I use the term “was” because I’ve already had surgery to remove the tumour, plus a lymph node.  I’m now recovering at home and being very well looked after until I see the surgeon next week to find out the results of the surgery and make a plan for ongoing treatment which is likely to be radiotherapy and a drug called Tamoxifen.

I tell you my story, not for sympathy or attention, but to shine the light on all the goodness and blessings I have found since this recent “bolt from the blue” and to encourage you to know that good things really can come from bad.

I’d like to shine the light on:

all the lovely NHS staff who have looked after me and shown such care and kindness

the person who decided to call me early for my mammogram (before I turned 50)

the person who decided they wanted to call me back for a second time “just to be sure”

my work who have been so supportive and kind through all of this and for allowing me the time off to rest and heal

my colleagues (who are also my friends) who have been so kind and thoughtful

my family and friends who are always amazing and make me feel so very loved

my children who, despite being scared, are helping out around the house and giving me lots of cuddles and love

my bf who has blown me away with such love, care, kindess and practical help

I have absolute faith that God has me in his hands and has put all these wonderful people on my path to help, support and love me.  I can already see the wonderful blessings coming out of this “bolt from the blue”.  I believe God has been trying to get me to take notice for a while, He has been trying to tell me to take a breath, slow down, pause and look after myself.  I haven’t been listening and this was the only way He could get me to stop and take notice.  This “bolt from the blue” did seem like an “unwelcome experience” to begin with, but now, having had time to reflect, I see it as a wonderful opportunity to rest, pause, take time for myself and put myself first for once.

I’d like to leave you with a touching excerpt from a book called “Jesus Calling”, that a friend sent to me, that has brought me comfort....