#lookforjoy

It’s been a while since I’ve blogged, which probably isn’t a surprise to you anymore if you are a regular reader!  Being the busy person I am, my blog often gets deserted until such a time that I have enough brain space to form an idea of what I might write about next!

This time, it’s roller coasters!  These are often used as an analogy for life and different experiences and today was no different.  I went on the first of 3 group sessions this morning called “Moving Forward”.  Run in collaboration with the NHS and the charity “Breast Cancer Now”, these sessions are to help people, like me, adjust to life after treatment for breast cancer.

We were given a paper written by Consultant Clinical Psychologist, Dr Peter Harvey.  He chose the image of a roller coaster to represent the process of the diagnosis and treatment of cancer and hits the nail on the head when he writes...

“On a roller-coaster, you will be strapped in and sent off into the terror, knowing that there is nothing you can do about it until you emerge, wobbly and battered at the other end.  You manage by getting your head down and dealing with it as best you can at the time.  It is only afterwards, when you are on solid ground again, that you can look back with amazement and view what you have experienced and marvel at your courage.”

I don’t enjoy adrenaline filled fair rides, would never willingly do a bungee jump or jump out of an aeroplane and the only roller coasters I would go on, are the more conservative kind and definitely not ones that go upside down!  My friend at work would testify to this; she has been trying to persuade me to fulfil my “50 before I’m 50″ Charity Challenge by way of a “Wing Walk” or “Sky Dive” but there is no way, absolutely no way I would do either of those!  She then tried to persuade me to go Banger Racing with her but when I learned the car has a roll cage for a reason, I quickly refuted that idea too!  After months trying to persuade me, she has finally got the idea that I’m more of a “sit-on-the-sofa-with-my-feet-up-eating-cake-and-drinking-tea” (or gin if I’m feeling a little more adventurous) kind of a person!  A charity challenge more suited to the non-adrenaline filled junkie that I am, is close to agreement, but more about that another time! 

This Dr Harvey guy knows his stuff and his paper really resonated with me.  When I first discovered I had breast cancer back in June, I felt so well.  I certainly didn’t feel like I had cancer and I couldn’t feel the lump so I didn’t have any physical signs of cancer either.  Dr Harvey writes 

“One of the many paradoxes of cancer is that, more often than not, the treatment makes you feel worse.  This is not surprising - we cut and possibly mutilate, inject you with poisonous and powerful chemicals, subject you to dangerous rays all in the name of treatment.”

 He then goes on to say

 “Some of the treatments drain your energy and resources to such an extent that it’s as much as you can do to put on the kettle.  Add to this the emotional turmoil - the dealing with the impact and implications of the diagnosis, the uncertainty, the upheaval, the additional burden that you feel that you are imposing on family and friends, the loss of so many aspects of your routine.  Emotional stress can be as energy consuming as any physical activity.  After all that, is it any wonder that you feel wrung out and exhausted, without resources or reserves?”  

Hmmm....

I certainly wouldn’t have chosen to get on the “breast cancer” roller coaster, BUT I am glad that I had certain people along for the ride.  I am still dealing with the aftermath, a somewhat smaller roller coaster, but a roller coaster all the same.  Trying to find a “new normal”, when you’re still suffering both the after effects of invasive cancer treatment and the side affects of long term cancer drugs (I will be on Tamoxifen for 10 years which has some not so nice side effects) is a tricky path to walk but I continue to see blessings and things in my life to be grateful for.  I’ve learnt to pace myself, rest when I need to, listen to my body and not be frightened to say no if I don’t feel up to something.  A very lovely and wise lady I know, said this to me recently and I think it’s very true and good to remember: 

“we must all play the long game, knowing a bit of us now will ensure a lot of us in time.“

Living with uncertainty is probably one of the most difficult aspects of living with the aftermath of cancer.  Once you’ve had the diagnosis, no matter how good your prognosis, no matter what preventative drugs they have put you on, there is always that fear of a recurrence but.....

So, I choose to put my trust in God, take one day at a time and look for joy EVERYWHERE!