CHARACTERS WHO HAVE FAILED TASK 1- “DO NOT GET FUCKING STUCK IN THE RIVERLANDS” (non-exhaustive):
Jaime Lannister- this bitch was stuck there for a book and a half and WHAT did he do as SOON as he got home? Gentle reader??? What did he do????? That man walked RIGHT BACK in there. Did nottttttt learn his lesson from the last time he went to the Riverlands to help his family out. Has been to Harrenhal too many times. No-hoper!
Brienne of Tarth- ever since Renly died she has been stuck in the Riverlands. Runs around in circles saving orphans, who are ALSO stuck in the Riverlands. Oxygen masks, my friends ☝️
Catelyn Tully Stark- we thought she could do it!! We thought she could get out!! She married out and everything!!! And THEN she even DIED!!!! But even death will not save you from Getting Stuck In the Riverlands. Let this be a lesson…
Beric Dondarrion- got stuck in the Riverlands and could not be freed by death until he passed on the curse to someone else. But don’t worry! He’s still there. In the minds of the Riverlanders he lingers yet…
The Brotherhood Without Banners- stuck in the Riverlands. Loras Tyrell, Ned did you a favor by not letting you go with them!!!
Various and sundry orphans- inclusive Gendry, Edric D, Willow, etc: STUCK!!!!!!
Pod- I understand the instinct to flee King’s Landing to the Riverlands, much as I understand the instinct to flee Scylla’s heads in favor of Charybdis. I really do understand it. But the thing is that Charybdis is actually a lot more certain to kill you than Scylla is. Because Scylla is not sucking you in, she’s just kinda jabbing and bobbing and weaving and taking your head off if she can, while Charybdis will Swallow You Whole. STUCK!
Sandor Clegane- you can all but die, renounce your name and your life, and start over on an island that is very nearly not even IN the Riverlands! and all it will do is prove that you are not getting out of the fucking Riverlands.
Arya Stark- spends TWO WHOLE BOOKS and crucial parts of another in the Riverlands and even now that she is ACROSS THE FUCKING OCEAN from the Riverlands her soul is still. roaming around the Riverlands.
Vargo Hoat & co.- proving that the Riverlands eat everyone, good and bad alike!
Daemon Targaryen- got so stuck in the Riverlands he and his double murder-suicided each other
Aemond Targaryen- see above
Robb Stark- got stuck in the Riverlands!! Despite valiant attempts to a) go West, and b) go back home, HE GOT STUCK in the glue trap known as the Riverlands!!!
Rhaena Targaryen (Rhaena the Lesbian)- she seems to have been chill about it but she did in fact get stuck in the Riverlands at crucial points in her life, such as notably the end of it
Red Wedding “guests”- big long list but this includes current prisoners, current dead people, the bride, the groom, and the entirety of House Frey, barring the ones running around getting cannibalized up north who I will concede did get out of the Riverlands.
Harrenhal’s ghosts- as seen with Rhaena, Daemon, Aemond, the Curse of Harrenhal, the Tourney of Harrenhal, etc, one of the best ways for the Riverlands to Get You is through Harrenhal, a big fucking haunted house-ass castle which is like the black hole in the middle of the Riverlands glue trap. If you get sucked in you are NOT getting out. Cumulative effect! The more people get trapped by Harrenhal, the better Harrenhal is at Getting You. WATCH OUT!!!
That Fucking Bear- ITS CORPSE YET ROTS. IN THE PIT.
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