did i bother you? - A Personal Note on ADHD and Communication, and How Our Neurotypical Loved Ones Can Better Support Us
if you're diagnosed with ADD or ADHD, you've probably been told at least 85,000 times that you need to "quiet down" when you're talking. or have been shot dirty looks when you finish a sentence for someone because you know where it was going and they are talking entirely too slow and you need this conversation to move just a little bit faster. maybe you've been told that you're annoying and you talk too much or post too much on social media. being asked to "pay more attention" when you have been this entire time, but playing with the strings on your hoodie and not making eye contact the entire time somehow means that you aren't a good listener.
sound familiar?
now, before i continue, that's not to say that we can't absolutely be rude and come across as poor listeners. that can be true. having ADHD isn't an excuse for acting like a dickwad, but it can be the driving reason we tend to speak as soon as a thought is formed.
i've found that in my friendships with other ADHDers, we interrupt each other and talk about 60 different subjects in the span of 15 minutes (exaggeration, but the point still stands). but it isn't always taken as rude. there is a subconscious level of understanding that we need to say it as soon as it comes, otherwise we will spend 3 hours trying to remember what that one thought was that we were going to say...
(this is reflected heavily in my writing, i think. i don't brainstorm and map and plan. i proofread when i have the spoons to do so, but most of the time i'm just raw-dogging my think-pieces as a true ADHDer should.)
within my neurotypical relationships, i noticed that this isn't so well-received. sure, maybe at first it's seen as cute or quirky and makes me seem outgoing and can even point to the fact that i was really listening to the conversation and i'm motivated to have that conversation - but after a while that novelty wears off and it almost inevitably becomes a hinderance.
if you're an ADHDer reading this post looking for verbiage to use to explain this phenomenon to your NT besties, or if you're a neurotypical with a loved one who has ADHD and you're here to try to support them, let's explain what happens in these instances.
pretend we are having a conversation. i'm the neurotypical, you are the neurodivergent. i bring up something that you're really interested in - let's say your current hyperfixation is painting and art in general. i say something like, "i went to the Louvre a few years ago. i saw the Mona Lisa. i thought it would be bigger!" then, to you as the ADHDer, are set off. you were just reading about this topic last night. you know so many facts about this painting. you know so many facts about DaVinci. in fact, you're wearing a t-shirt with the Vitruvian Man on it right now! so you tell me some facts. i listen and respond with, "wow, that's interesting, i never knew-" and you know that what you had just told me was not a well-known fact, so you interject "yeah, not many people know that. it's all good. hey, did you know...." and you continue with another topic, slightly related. this time it's a fact about Michelangelo. oh, i know a little something about that guy! "isn't he the one who painted the ceiling of... oh, what was the name-" "the Sistine Chapel!"
now, to you, this is just a subject that you are so in love with right now. you could talk about it all day. you love those dead guys. you just wanna share all that you know with me, as someone who only knows a normal, casual amount about those European artists. you may even have spoken a bit louder because you were just so excited to talk about something that you actually like! get those dopamine receptors working!
i just briefly mentioned the Mona Lisa in passing. i didn't know you were so into art! it's cool, but you definitely talked about it a lot. i could barely say what i was thinking, and much less at a normal pace. all the information that i learned at rapidfire, whew. i wish i could have mentioned something, but you were just going off there. so i just let you speak. i was a little annoyed, actually. did you wanna have an actual conversation or do you just like the sound of your own voice? jeez. it's just art.
end roleplay. spoiler alert: it's usually a regular thing. that was basically a long winded way of getting ND and NT folks to understand each other a little better.
now, some ADHDers prefer to keep our motormouths confined to our thoughts and just deal with the thousands of overlapping voices and images. so we aren't all loud and obvious. but many of us do love to talk and forget that there are unspoken rules that we have to wait our turn. we do get so excited to speak, especially because we oftentimes do have a file cabinet of thoughts on that subject just dying to be bursted open and flung out.
i find that doing a self-check in when talking to my non-ADHD friends is super helpful. after all, we can't always expect people to do the work for us. when we feel that slight pang of insecurity when people look uninterested or bored with the conversation, that's a good time to reel it in and ask "i'm so sorry, i didn't mean to talk over you/interrupt/go off like that/etc. did i make you feel unheard/unimportant/etc?" and that opens a safe space for reconciliation. now, if you ask this, you do have to be prepared for someone at some point responding with "yes, when you interrupted me, i felt like you didn't care what i was saying."
the first time i was told that, RSD took over a bit and i took that like a punch in the gut. but i managed to take a breath and i thought to myself all the times i felt unheard and if i was in their shoes, i'd be pissed too.
that's when you, as the ADHDer, actually stfu. i'm not kidding, literally bite your tongue or chew on something or whatever if it's hard for you. but you have to let the other person speak and wait for them to finish. i've learned that not every pause between sentences is the other party being done with their thought - speaking at 3 million words per minute isn't standard.
and NTs - don't be afraid to tell your ADHD friend "hey man, i understand that you're excited/passionate/want me to speak a little faster, but i would appreciate it if you didn't interrupt me as often." and if your ADHD friend has RSD (rejection sensitive dysphoria), you can follow that up with "i love you and i wanna hear what you have to say - just slow down a little for a sec, i wanna talk to you also!" or, yanno, something along those lines. i just find that providing scripts helps us sort through our messes of brains and thought patterns.
again: keep in mind this shit takes PRACTICE and PATIENCE. it won't happen and magically be fixed overnight. after all, ADHD cannot be cured overnight either. that's not how it works. however, we as ADHDers need to be proactive with making other people comfortable and aware (within reasonable means. don't be a doormat) while also holding ourselves accountable when we let our ADHD drive the bus.
neurotypicals, the same goes for you - be understanding, give your ADHD buddy a safe space, but you can be heard too. everyone is allowed to have healthy boundaries; they just look a little bit different depending on how your brain works.
anyway, if i write anymore, i'll get carpal tunnel. you guys get the point.
(and thanks so much for all of the love on my last post - i was pretty nervous to post that but the feedback was overwhelmingly positive. thank you so much. love u guys.)
