pelvic sorcery

Just tell me to fuck off and die already, I know you want to.

Eratosthenes, an Egyptian, in 3750 BC when fucking mammoths hadn’t even gone extinct yet: Oh hey I can use these two obelisks to calculate the earth’s entire circumference based on the length of their shadows and the Earth’s curvature. Neat.

#I feel like this is what you get after someone says ‘just stand like you normally would’

lets have phone sex over walkie talkies

“I’ll make you moan, over”

“bend over” “bend what? over”

who needs april fools my entire life is a joke

teacher: go ahead and introduce yourselves student: my name is “michael” with a “b”, and i’ve been afraid of insects my entire— teacher:stop stop stop. where? student: hm? teacher:where’s the “b” ?? student: (voice shaking) THERES A BEE???

if i was a skeleton i would just say “that really rattles my bones” in response to literally everything

Someone hold my hand and do that little thumb rubby thingy.