The reason why time and again I sulk about the thing that’s bothered me the most these last few years is because it’s concrete proof that I eventually failed at what something I worked hard to succeed at. I was stuck for so many years not knowing what success looked like that the moment I had it in my hands, I took it for granted. Now every time the slightest reminder crosses my mind, I fall right back into that pit. It’s like I’m walking, trying to be productive in my thoughts and my actions, when all of a sudden I come across a sink hole, keeping me in that negative mental state for a while.

But lately, I’ve fallen down that pit less and less, and part of the reason is because as I start sinking, I remind myself that this sort of thinking does the opposite of help me. In fact, even though I think that I’m preparing myself for future situations, in reality I’m not moving on from it, making it likely I’d make the same mistake.

Rather than continue to sulk, I try to remind myself that while the consequences may be blatantly evident, there have been plenty of lessons that I was able to pull from the experience that has shaped me into the person I am now. It reminds me that while I made progress back then, I wasn’t fully where I wanted or needed to be, and having this tremendous step back has opened my eyes to how unaware I truly was back then.

With all the power you may have, it may be easy to forgo the small things, ultimately leading to your temporary demise.

To be honest, I’m still pretty uncomfortable with things. I always enact my defense mode when topics of conversations come up or events of mutual attendance occur… and one such event is coming up really soon, so I am internally debating whether I should just stay home rather than have an anxiety attack.

Over the years, I’ve worked on becoming more patient with people. I know I’m full of shortcomings, and for those to wade through my issues truly hold that virtue close to their hearts. I like to think that I’ve done a lot better over the years and have become a little bit calmer and resolved to not let my frustration get the best of me.

But my patience wears really thin when it comes to disrespect. I try my best to treat people with the utmost respect and be as fair as possible given any circumstance. It’s where I draw the line because I have a certain expectation with regards to certain types of behaviors.

The commoditization of time is something I’ve done throughout my entire life. Too often I’ve spent it unwisely and just wasted both it for both myself and others. Throwing a few bucks here and there can seem unpleasant in the moment, but there will always be a chance to recoup that. Time is something you never get back.

These past few months, I’ve been questioning who I am on a daily basis. I feel like the me who learned and grew and attained so many things is so far gone. I always feel so anxious as I wonder what happened to the me that was so excited and enthusiastic about life. The me that made it a point to make a new friend or talk to a friend on a daily basis. The me that thought that I was doing the things right, not the me that thinks I just do things that make people upset.

I wonder who I use to me, and who I am now. This first world PTSD seems to have grasped me by the reigns and drives my emotions, attitudes, and actions for longer than it should.

In communication networks, a node is either a connection point, a redistribution point, or a communication endpoint. When it comes to human relationships, a node is a person you meet everyone through. They connect you with people you likely would have never connected with. They have the capability to introduce you to the world, and the world back to you.

Nodes have tremendous value in our society. Whenever you need something, but don’t know of anyone who can help, nodes set you up for success by connecting you with the right people. They help make happen what might not have been.

And the effects of nodal relationships don’t necessarily just result in innovative thoughts, ideas, or products. They also help us in our personal lives. When you’re feeling down and lonely, having a node in your life is your gateway to a plethora of new relationships. Just got dumped? A node will introduce you to girls who you have the possibility of dating. Just moved to a new town? A node will take you on outings so you can make new friends and feel more at home.

They’re definitely important because not only do they make the world go round, they keep us sane and give us a sense of security. But what about for the node themselves?

Nodes have a special characteristic about that them that magically makes people gravitate towards them. Whether that trait is an interest, a skill, or some other factor, people feel comfortable and at ease around them.

But since it’s hard to describe what is it about a node that makes them special, does that mean that in reality, nodes really carry no substance? Nodes seem to be the kind of people who are great at first, but after they’ve completed their role as a node, they carry no value to those they had helped.

It seems like the moment a node no longer has any value to someone, the relationship becomes instantly discarded. What was once a familiar face becomes stranger by the day, until ultimately, that name no longer becomes part of the lexicon.

Being a node can be a struggle. Relationships today aren’t guaranteed to exist tomorrow. And as you peruse your newsfeed, you see groups who were once strangers take photos together and you aren’t even an afterthought in their minds.

I think I’ve finally realized why I’ve been feeling so fucking shitty. At first, hurt and betrayal seemed to be the main driver behind these feelings. All my trust and understanding was decimated after six simple words left me shell shocked and sunk my heart so far down, it felt like it was hanging my knees. All the faith in what was once such a foreign concept was completely swept away in one fell swoop, and I felt alone yet again on a desolate, lonely sandbar.

After weeks of constant reflection, I tried my best to come to terms and focus on internalizing and figuring out what lessons needed to be learned. I’m not perfect and I knew that there was some sort of wake up call I needed to realize to fully associate some sort of meaning.

Both reasons are fair explanations as to why I’ve been experiencing such profound PTSD. But today, I think I’ve finally realized the main reason why I’ve been in such a cloudy haze as of late: I’ve been completely striped of my identity. Everything that I’ve worked for to define an identity and create an image was robbed at gun point, and all I’m left with is a breathless state, unable to explain what’s really wrong.

So much time and effort went into redefining the person I was, and yet only one action took that all away from me. All those sacrifices I made over the years was washed away instantaneously as judgmental eyes reaped the benefits.

But that identity that was stripped from me, leaving me naked out in the cold, was not purely external. If I’m being completely honest here, it was also influenced by my shortcomings. I’m very well aware that I let my insecurities dictate my actions, and those insecurities caused me to lose the self that I came to see myself as. I got so used to living life up on a hill that I didn’t realize how shitty the ground really was.

And as I went about self destructing and pillaging the environment that I so carefully hand crafted, I took no notice of the effects my insecure outlook had on what comprised my so called ecosystem. To the outside world, the mission had been compromised and the only proper course of action was to abort.

Or I can use this opportunity to fix my flaws and reinvent myself. Maybe now, I won’t be so blind to my own mayhem and actually be the person I see myself to be. At the same time, maybe I’ll actually see the value in those that hold stock in me, despite the bearish climate the market has been in as of late.

Rather than focusing the blame on someone else, it’s important to internalize the responsibility and hold yourself accountable. Evolving yourself is the only thing you can really do to prevent yourself from putting yourself in a similar situation in the future.