Okay so by the demand of @strangeomens and by extension @ragsy and @entropyking, I have been told to report what it is I've done tonight. And what I did tonight was beautiful, but they have not recognized it as such yet. And the gauntlet is thus thrown.
So if you want to have a real Experience, try and make
I Can't Believe It's Not Doritos Stroganoff
er
Stroganishh
You'll need:
8oz of egg noodles
1lb of fancy french garlic sausage
1 medium-ish yellow onion, minced fine
like 2 Tbsp flour
A little squeeze of Trader Joe's Dill Pickle Mustard (bear with me here)
2+1/4 cups chicken broth
Like maybe a half a dash of soy sauce but honestly i don't think I put enough in to matter
Enough MSG (I said be strong)
3/4 cup greek yogurt
like 1+1/2 Tbsp Smoked Paprika, the more the merrier
Salt and Pepper, to (try and) taste
ok making it is really simple tbh. and I wish I had pictures but I already ate by the time I told the world and was mocked for my wisdom, so just know I speak true. This was never gonna be a traditional dish and you knew it from the start. Sink with me.
Toss the sausage in a slightly oiled skillet on medium-high heat (if it's in casing, get it out) and cook until you get a nice browning! Once this is done, toss in the onion and get to sauteeing. Season with salt and pepper to taste, because you're still trying to make something at least half typical at this point.
While the sausage and onion cooks, salt some water in a pot and bring it to a rolling boil. Toss your egg noodles in and stir pretty well, those things stick to the pot so fast if they get a chance. Cook until just before done so they can finish in the sauce.
Once there's a good saute done, turn the heat down to medium-medium-low. Add in the flour and stir the skillet until the raw smell is gone and the flour is all coated in fat.
Now realize you need dijon mustard in the original recipe and that you have none. Substitute with the pickle mustard and know you have found the edge of a deep trench, and there's nothing to do but keep diving.
Slowly add in the chicken broth, about a half cup at a time, taking a few moments to stir and let the sauce cohere and thicken before adding another glug. At this point it's still gonna look and smell pretty damn good, a bit ballpark for something using french garlic sausage but maybe that's not a problem here, right? That shred of denial's gonna feel so good when it's wrenched out in a minute, so savor the itch while it's here.
Finally, once the sauce is simmering gently, add MSG. Shake it right from the italian wedding soup jar you've been keeping it in. Don't measure. Don't ask if that was too much. Trust the mystery. Let go of that held breath and watch the bubbles float away.
Remove the sauce from the heat and add in the greek yogurt, and then the noodles. Agitate to create a cohesive sauce. It is done, and you will know a new and horrifying beauty. You will never need the surface again.
