Super FandomFiend

It’s the closest Dick has gotten to representing his circus origins, and to see him perform in it… IM GOING TO SCREAM.

Steph, wandering into the kitchen: hey, Alfie, B says you're doing a grocery shop later today, can i add tampons to the list of stuff for the patrol supplies?

Alfred, glancing over from polishing silverware: of course, Miss Brown. perhaps you'd like to add it to the list on the fridge?

Steph: hm-? oh, yeah, thanks.

Tim, working on his laptop at the kitchen island: the fuck do you need tampons for patrol?

Steph: *squints at him* well i sure as fuck ain't doing it in a pad? do you know how unsafe i would feel?!

Tim, raising an eyebrow: why do you need anything? doesn't it all stop once you start swinging around?

*silence*

Alfred: *pauses, slowly turns his head to stare into the side of Tim's skull*

Steph, calmly: ...what?

Tim: it's like swimming right? you start jumping around and moving a lot and your body recognises that you don't want to bleed, so it stops the flow until you settle down.

Alfred:

Steph:

Steph, keeping her face impressively straight: ...yes. it is- *throat clear* that is why that happens, you're right, it does usually stop on patrol. but- *thinking intensely* i... got a scratch on my thigh... earlier... and it keeps bleeding, has all day. so i'm kinda worried that blood coming out of my thigh will confuse my body, because of- *bites lip* because of the close proximity. and i think it might decide that since my thigh is bleeding that it should just keep all the other flows going as well, so i'm just- i'm just making sure. to be careful.

Alfred: *slowly turns to stare at Steph instead*

Tim:

Tim: ok i guess that makes sense.

Steph, once Tim turns back to his laptop: *gleefully punches the air*

Tim, eyes narrowing: wait,

Steph, the face of innocence: hm?

Tim: how come your body can stop the period blood but not the thigh blood?

Steph: oh. well, that's just a 'me' issue, really. i've never been that good at the whole blood-bending thing.

Alfred: *closes eyes in resignation*

Tim: blood-bending- what?

Steph: blood-bending? the- you know all girls can control their blood flow, right? that's why Avatar only showed women water-benders learning how to blood-bend. because it was already a thing irl.

Tim:

Tim, dubious: ok now you're fucking with me.

Steph, narrowing eyes in confusion: no? dude, i'm being completely serious, did you- how did you not know about this? that's how we control our periods, man. all females have a slight innate ability to bend their own blood. it's just that the extent to which we can varies from person to person and day to day. i've always been kinda weak with it, so i guess that's my bad. Babs has always been pretty good at it, though.

Dick, walking in: 'sup, kiddies. Babs is good at what?

Steph: i was just telling Tim about how all women can blood-bend and that's how they control their periods. can you believe the health education program at his school failed so badly he didn't know?!?

Dick:

Dick:

Dick, turning to Tim: yeah Babs was always really good at it.

Tim: seriously?!!?

Dick, without a hint of humor: 100%. anyway i gotta go, see you guys later.

Steph, perking up: oh, can i get a ride actually? i need a new jacket.

Dick: sure.

Damian, wandering in as Dick and Steph leave: Pennyworth, Jason is requesting he be alerted when you go to the store so he can accompany you.

Alfred, blinking: ...oh- yes, that sounds lovely, i'll be sure to let him know.

Tim, curiously: hey Dami, did you know that women can blood-bend, and that's how they turn off their periods when they go swimming?

Damian:

Bruce: -need to tail them while you download the contents of the server, and Red Robin you contact the authorities. i'll see you soon.

Damian: on it.

Tim: so i'm just the phone guy now, huh?

Dick: i told you to come over to Diamond District and run with me for the night, Red. weapons dealings are always boring.

Bruce, tired: just do your jobs, please.

*connecting ping*

Jason: where's my favourite boy?

Dick: ...that could mean any of us, Hood.

Damian: i'm here.

Jason: THERE YOU ARE!

Tim: *loud snort* how insecure you feeling right now, Nightwing?

Dick: i don't want to talk about it.

Jason: ok baby boy, i need you over in the alley toot-sweet.

Damian: i'm kinda busy on a case right now, akhi.

Bruce: Hood, are you in need of back up?

Jason: no- why do you always assume everybody needs back up all the time? do you not have any trust in your children to handle themselves at any point in their lives??

Bruce: well maybe it's just because my children never contact me unless they need back up and i've learnt to expect it?

Dick: ooooh~

Jason, without missing a beat: not true, i hit you up for money like last week.

Bruce, dry: yes, i stand corrected.

Damian: what do you need from me in the alley? Red is being pretty useless tonight, he could go in my place.

Jason: no i need a child your age. i'm gonna go fight this woman in my neighbourhood, and if she brings out her kid to help her in the fight then i need you to take care of him.

*a beat*

Bruce: what?

Damian: is this the Caroline woman that banned you from your HOA?

Bruce: ...what?

Dick: oh my god, that's still going on?!

Jason: she called the cops on me for being 'too loud' despite the fact that she doesn't even live in my building and the night she called to complain i wasn't even fuckin' home because i was in Bludhaven with Dick.

Dick: *cackling* dude this woman hates you-!

Tim: what did the cops say?!

Jason: the cops work for me, Timmers. like, half the local precinct are on Red Hood's payroll and have been around me enough that they've gotten an inkling that 'Todd Peters from apartment 3B' is probably their boss in civilian form. they sent me a heads up that Carol was up to her usual shit and then told me to have a good night.

Tim: man, i really need to get my own territory so i can get dirty cops on my side.

Dick: *sympathetic click* not gonna happen while you're living under B's roof, i'm afraid.

Damian: yeah i tried to accept a bribe from a dirty cop once; Father hit me.

Bruce: i did not hit you, i lightly smacked you upside the head- you really need to stop telling people that i hit you. and can we get back to Hood and this Caroline woman? what's going on, i thought you said you didn't need back up?

Dick: oh he doesn't, Caroline isn't like. a rogue or anything.

Jason, bitterly mumbling: fuckin' might as well be, once i'm done with her.

Tim: Hood's in a civilian battle with a bunch of PTA moms in his neighbourhood that don't like him.

Bruce, slightly hopeful: they have an issue with the way Red Hood runs the alley?

Jason: *cackle* nope, sorry B! they love Hood, they just don't know i am Hood.

Dick: they sent out a Facebook warning about Jason because some kid broke into his house and got hurt in the security measures and they blamed him for it.

Jason: yeah- admittedly hearting the post from the Batman Facebook account probably wasn't a great plan; now they've gotten a massive ego boost and are trying to get an audience with the Red Hood to campaign that i run myself out of the alley.

Bruce: ...all this is because her child broke into your house?

Jason: YEAH IT'S FUCKED UP. WE HAVE A WHOLE-ASS TURF WAR GOING ON OVER HERE. ME AND MY GIRLS AND THE GAY COUPLE THAT LIVES ABOVE ME AGAINST THE ENTIRE HOA AND THIS BITCH'S ASSHOLE SON.

Damian: why are you fighting her tonight?

Jason: well, we figured out a way to attempt to 'settle our differences'. so i'm going to one of the evening HOA meetings with a bunch of my neighbours and me and Carol are going to attempt to have a friendly but public debate about the issue,

Tim: *snort*

Jason: and you know, i figured; hey, Damian's a mean kid.

Dick: *wheezes*

Bruce, sighing: Hood, don't say things like that about your brother.

Jason: NO IN A- IN A NICE WAY! i want him to back me in this debate so that he can put his skills to use and mentally eviscerate these middle-aged women while i grin in the background and drink wine straight from the bottle.

Damian: god- i- i wanna do that so bad- that's my dream way to spend an evening,

Tim: you're an odd child.

Jason: ok so get over here, the meeting starts in thirty minutes!

Damian: ok hold on-

Bruce: excuse me, Robin, you cannot just run off in the middle of a case like this. especially not to go bully civilians.

Damian: oh come on, Red can cover for me!

Tim, dryly: but then who will handle the phones?

Dick: *snickering*

Bruce: no, i'm not signing off on this. Robin, you're staying with me for the night, and that's final.

*seven seconds of silence*

Tim: *sudden wheeze*

Bruce, tired: ...what's going on over there?

Damian: you can't stop me if you have no car to catch me with.

*disconnecting ping*

Bruce: what did he-

Tim, still laughing: he took off in the Batmobile.

Dick: *cackles*

Jason, proud: i love that child.

Bruce: oh for- he knows i can track that car,

Jason: AH AH AH- YOU CAN'T. YOU CAN'T FOLLOW HIM, IT'S DANGEROUS TO HIS IDENTITY. if you bust in as Batman when he's in civilian form talking about the fucking Batmobile, it puts unnecessary strain on your secret identities! for safety, you have to let Damian attend!

Bruce: Hood, you can't just-

Jason: yes i can.

Bruce: Hood.

Jason, quickly: love you Dad.

*shocked silence*

Bruce: w-

*disconnecting ping*

Bruce: WH-???

Dick: ...genius move by Jason there, gotta admit.

Tim: that's the biggest get out of jail free card i think... in existence. he really wanted to see Damian argue with these neighbourhood moms.

Dick: i mean can you blame him? you saw the kid make that lawyer cry.

*a beat*

Tim: B, you ok there? kinda quiet.

*silence*

Dick: yeah i'm gonna head over to your guys' area-

i do like the idea of the batkids running official batman media accounts, but let me raise you the civilian batkids running offical batman media accounts.

Jason Todd--civilian Jason Todd, only newly introduced to the public, creates a Batman-official account. he does it carefully, building up activity and traction over the course of like six months with his perfected Batman Attitude(tm) and oddly accurate Batman information that he drops on a semi-regular basis. eventually he pays Tim to mention him on his Red Robin account just to boost credibility, and after a while everybody in Gotham fully believes this is the Batman account. that's when he goes live.

'Batman' goes live for the first time in what is clearly the Wayne Manor kitchen, dressed in a surprisingly accurate Batman costume if it wasn't for the fact that the mask and cowl is clearly plastic and still has a Halloween costume store tag hanging from the ear.

"Welcome to the stream." Batman says, in a Batman voice imitation that is about three octaves too deep and gruff. "Today, we bake German chocolate cake."

for the next forty minutes 'Batman' proceeds to bake the entire cake while talking to himself in his Batman voice--completely ignoring almost all of the live chat. he's not just explaining the steps to baking, by the way. he's fully talking to himself as if he were Batman.

"Next we crack the eggs like they are the Joker's knee caps. Did you know he killed my kid once? I was so sad. I still am sad, but less in the grieving way and more in the pathetic old man way."

"I'm getting so old. Last week I spent twenty minutes debating with Nightwing and Red Hood that liquorish 'wasn't that bad' and refused to give in, even when Red Robin offered me a piece and I ate it fully without realising that he'd actually fed me a piece of tire-rubble from the street."

"I don't say this to anybody else, but I clearly miss when people would describe me as a twink."

after a while the official Red Robin, Robin, and Nightwing accounts start watching the live, and their messages are the only ones that 'Batman' will respond to.

Robin: Father the Riddler is holding me hostage. "This is why I teach you chess. beat him and come home soon for cake."

Nightwing: be honest B, does Catwoman really love you? "No :( I pay her because no other woman will touch me."

Red Robin: when you die horribly in battle, who are you leaving the Batman mantle to? "Agent A. Because how fucking funny would that be."

eventually Bruce Wayne wanders into the kitchen and is spotted in the back of the stream, clocking the camera and 'Batman' and staring at it all like he thinks he's going insane.

"Jason what the fuck are you doing?"

Batman whirls around and drops the voice instantly, whining like a child, "Aw, Dad, come on I was almost done!"

"What the fuck is this?!"

"I'm Batman."

"Jason I have had a really fucking long day. No you’re not."

*Alfred setting dinner down for the kids*

Damian: thank you, Pennyworth. so will Father not be joining us?

Alfred: you father is working late at Wayne Enterprises tonight i’m afraid, he’s asked that Master Dick step in for him as Batman in the likely case that he not make it home in time for patrol.

Dick: if he’s not here then can we play Bat-Quotes?

Duke, instantly: YES. yes, yes, a thousand times yes,

Tim: also agreed, if B isn’t here then we have to.

*all the kids look to Jason expectantly*

Jason: …i shouldn’t have come up with that game.

Alfred, mild: oh dear, this isn’t a dangerous game, i hope? my dishware won’t be in danger?

Dick, snickering: no no, don’t worry Alfie. the game’s only dangerous to Jason.

Damian, smug: yes, meanwhile for us it is, in fact, a completely consequenceless endeavour.

Jason: …i really should not have come up with that game.

the batkids, chanting at Jason: Bat-Quotes, Bat-Quotes, Bat-Quotes, Bat-Quotes-

Jason: i- *wheeze* OK- ALRIGHT, we can play a round or two, oh my god, i hope you’re happy,

*cheering and clapping*

Alfred: *warily raises an eyebrow*

Jason, bringing out his phone and sighing theatrically: alright, alright, everybody welcome back to Bat-Quotes; a horrible game that puts my social life in danger on a regular basis. i hate that i came up with it, and i hate that you all like it, but here we are.

Alfred: and what is the nature of this game, if i may ask?

Dick, gleefully: Jason keeps a list of quotes that people associated with our bat-lives have said. he reads them out, we have to guess who it was that said it, and if we- *wheeze* if we get one right—*laughing* Jason tell him what happens if we get one right,

Jason, looking very begrudging: well, as you know, the Red Hood has become a big enough and regular enough ally of the Justice League that i’ve been added to the main JL group chat. so if- *wheeze* *regretfully* if somebody correctly labels the person who says a quote, then i have to say that quote as myself in the official Justice League group chat, with no explanation, and no matter the reaction i can never explain it.

Steph, grinning maniacally: to further explain to you the genius consequences of this game, Alfie, let me tell you the last time we played Bat-Quotes; where Duke got the best slam-dunk i have ever seen on the quote of- *laughs* what was it, Jason?

Jason, looking at his phone: uh- so last time we had the quote ‘i think i would fuck a plant if i had the free time, it’s just that i’ve always had an unnatural fear of stinging nettles stinging the inside of my ass somehow, so i think that i’d be a little bit paranoid about it at first.’

Dick: *wheezes, smacking the table-top*

Tim, also crying: GOD i forgot,

Jason: yeah—Duke came in with the guess of Harley Quinn, which was correct, so i had to- *wheeze* with no context,

Cass, shark-like: and you had a reaction, right?

Jason: yeah, so because of that i had Uncle Clark call me, because he thought that i was speaking in some kind of code to let them know i was in danger. and i had to fucking be like. ‘no i was just sharing my thoughts on the matter’ and he didn’t speak to me directly for like a week.

Duke: *cackles* BEST ACHIEVEMENT OF MY LIFE,

Jason: yeah- you’ll also all be happy to know that Bruce DM’ed me after that to say the simple sentence of ‘do you fucking know how hard i advocated for you to be on this team?’

Dick: *almost falls off his chair* *struggling to breathe* i love this game so much.

Jason, dryly: yeah i’m sure it’s real fuckin’ fun for you guys.

Alfred:

Alfred: dear lord.

Jason: yeah exactly Alfie, Dear Fucking Lord.

Steph: hush up and play the game with us, coward.

Jason: *sighs* alright, let me- let me pick one.

*waiting*

Jason: alright- fuck. alright. here we go. and- AND LET ME BE CLEAR. you cannot each give your own separate answer, that’s fucking unfair, you can’t have six whole chances of getting it right. you have to choose one.

Damian: just say the quote.

Jason: *sigh* ok, number one. ‘if i tell you that i don’t currently remember which colours you mix to make purple, are you gonna make fun of me?’

Alfred: *squints*

the rest of the batkids: *intense focus*

Steph: oh, see that’s a hard one.

Duke: my instinctual reaction is one of the rogues. they spout a lot of shit when they’re beaten half into the ground, you know? all delirious n’ shit?

Dick: Riddler…? maybe…?

Cass: sounds like somebody drugged.

Damian: Cain is right, if it’s a rogue then it’s more likely to be Scarecrow high on his own gas.

Tim: no, no, i don’t think it’s a rogue. i wanna say… Steph?

Steph: excuse me?!?! i did not-

Tim, defensive: YOU SAY A LOT OF WEIRD SHIT WHILE DRUNK! we have to be logical about this; Jason objectively spends more time laughing at things we say while hammered than he does sticking around after fights to listen to rogues rambling. and your favourite colour is purple!

*consideration*

Dick: ‘s got a point. this is about being right, Steph. we have to put pride aside.

Cass: agreed.

Steph: i would not say that shit!

Duke: i dunno, one time i watched you google how to boil an egg.

Steph:

Steph, begrudging: fine, whatever.

Jason: final answer?

Tim: Steph.

Jason: ok, well in that case that’s one of the biggest flops i’ve ever seen, because Tim that was you,

Steph: HA.

Tim: ?! WHAT?

Jason, smugly: you, about seven months back, high on cold medicine, when you were bed bound. and- and you actually said it to Steph, so that’s a double failure really.

Tim: FUCK.

Dick: please tell me you have more, that can’t be it.

Jason: i’ll give- ok, i’ll give you two more chances, and then i’m banning this game for the next month at LEAST for my own safety.

Cass: deal, give.

Jason: ok, ready? this one’s one of my favourites, actually.

Jason: ‘is it just me, or are Nightwing and Batman kinda gay for each other’.

Duke: *instant wheeze*

Steph and Tim: *loud cackles*

Dick, offended: HELLO?!?!

Jason, proudly: come on, what do you think?

Dick: WHAT THE FUCK, THAT’S MY DAD.

Damian, snickering: no, no, this is good. it narrows it down, it proves that the answer is somebody who doesn’t know our identities. it has to be a rogue.

Duke: i dunno if he’d repeat answers so soon but it does sound like something Harley would say, not gonna lie.

Steph, still laughing: you guys are talking like all of us wouldn’t yell this shit from the rooftops just to piss Dick off. i’d pin this on Babs taking the mick over comms.

Tim: no, Damian- *wheeze* Damian has a point. if it were Barbara over comms then she would have said Dick and Bruce, not Nightwing and Batman. i feel like this was said out in public, around other people.

Dick: surely i would remember if one of you had said it.

Tim: i dunno. i’m kinda worried it’s me again.

Damian: *wheeze* it’s all- it’s all just Drake.

Steph: is there a chance it could have been- like, the titans or something? this sounds like a joke Gar would make.

Tim: oh, maybe, that’s genius,

Duke: i don’t know the titans well enough to make that kind of call, so i’ll go with whatever you guys say.

Dick: …*intense squinting at the table*

Cass: what do you think?

Dick: …i’m just trying to remember- Selina’s made a few jokes about her third-wheeling us before, and i’m trying to remember if this could have been her.

Tim: i feel like Steph is right, i think it’s more likely to be a titan.

Damian: honestly, the most likely scenario is that it was Jason. is that an option?

*the kids all turn to stare at Jason*

Jason, shrugging: you can use your one guess for me if you want.

Steph, instantly: oh- fuck off, you can’t do that. you have to at least tell us if it’s possible that you’re the original quoter.

Jason, laughing: alright, alright—none of them are me.

Dick: then- ok yeah, i’m with Duke, you guys take this one. i don’t know.

Tim: ok, we’ll say Beast Boy then.

*a beat*

Jason: *incorrect buzzer sound*

Tim: DAMMIT.

Jason: that one was actually Antonio, one of my main subordinates in the alley.

Duke: FUCK OFF-

Steph: THAT’S SO CHEATING!

Jason: *cackles evily*

Dick: -SO unfair, how the fuck are we supposed to know the names of your men?!!

Jason: no no, this is fair, and for the record i would have accepted ‘a Red Hood goon’ as a correct answer, i’m not a monster. y’all are thinkin’ about people you know; gotta think about people i know.

Tim: -shut up and give us the final one.

Jason: ok touchy! well this one—this one i think is the worst one for me to put in the chat, so. i’m not really happy about this.

Cass: give it to us.

Jason: …’i saw a bird fly into the wing-mirror of the Batmobile, and ever since i’ve just been feeling kind of depressed. is anyone available for a hug?’

Dick: *noise of awe*

Tim: …shit i really want him to say this to the Justice League.

Duke: guys we need to lock in. we need to get this one. who would say this that spends time around the Batmobile?

Steph: and who would actively ask for physical comfort?

Cass: Dick likes hugs.

Dick, intensely thinking: ….it does kinda sound like me…

Tim: do you remember ever watching a bird fly into the window?!

Dick: no that’s what- i’m trying to think, i can’t remember!

Duke: Dami, do we think it could have been you?

Damian, flat: is that a genuine question.

Duke: no- i know, i know it doesn’t sound like you, but the bird thing tracks. and like- we’ve all been high on pain meds during various points in our lives. we get clingy, it happens!

Damian, shaking his head: if it was me i don’t remember it.

Tim: i don’t think Damian would ask for anybody to hug him. when he gets high he beelines for B, Dick and Jay. he’s specific about it. this is somebody who just likes physical comfort point blank.

Dick, considering: can i suggest… Bruce?

Steph: there is no fucking way we wouldn’t remember that. we’d have the recording. i keep going back to Dick, i feel like it’s him,

Dick: same but i also think i’d remember watching a bird hit the window-!

Damian, leaning back in his seat, tonguing his cheek: hmm.

Cass: Damian, you have an idea?

Damian, hesitant: hm.

Jason: i want a final answer.

*silence*

Damian: can i…?

*a beat*

Damian: Jon Kent…?

Tim: ooo,

*silence, all attention on Jason*

*waiting*

Alfred: *takes a sip of wine*

Jason, with feeling: ffffuck.

Damian: SERIOUSLY?

Jason, again: FUCK.

*instant uproar, batkids celebrating*

Jason: WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THIS TO ME-

Damian: THERE’S NO WAY,

Steph: I’M SO HAPPY,

Jason: I DON’T WANNA- YOU GUYS DON’T UNDERSTAND-

Dick: DUDE- JASON- WONDER WOMAN IS IN THAT CHAT,

Duke: *falls off his chair*

Jason: I DON’T WANNA DO IT-!

Damian, deadly serious: you have to- i won fair and square, you have to.

Jason: *glances at his phone, pensive*

Tim: *wheezes* that’s such a bad one-!

Jason, dramatically throwing himself down in his seat: I DON’T WANNA DO IT.

Steph: *evil cackling*

Cass: i’ll do it for you if you want-

Jason, snatching his phone away from her: don’t you dare- THIS IS THE WORST FUCKING GAME WE HAVE EVER COME UP WITH!

Damian: you have to do it.

Jason, wailing: i KNOW,

Dick: *wheezes* this is the best day of my life,

Duke, incredibly happy: dude- you know Bruce is gonna see that in the chat, right? he’s gonna be so worried.

Dick, wheezing: and you can never explain-!

Jason, grumpy: god fucking- *angrily typing at phone*

Steph: Dick you’re in the chat too, right? check he actually does it.

Dick, pulling out his phone: he has- *wheeze* word for word, it’s there.

Jason: i’m so mad- Damian you weren’t even there when he said it.

Tim, wiping tears from his eyes: when the fuck did he say it?!

Jason, annoyed: he said it on the Watchtower while Clark was working really late and he was over-tired, and me, him, Kon, and Roy somehow ended up in the rec room with him watching fucking Marley and Me at three in the morning, and i guess he got sad!

Dick: oh my- aw, oh my god, he got a hug, right?

Jason: yeah actually- Kon opened up his arms and Jon walked right past him and into mine, and Roy laughed so hard he had to leave the room.

Steph: god that was- Damian that was SUCH a god-tier move.

Damian, dryly: my best friend, ladies and gentlemen.

Dick: *wheezes again*

Jason: i’m putting my phone on mute, fuck you guys. worst game ever.

Steph, wetly: best game ever.

~forty minutes later, as the kids clean up the kitchen from dinner~

Jason, walking back in from the bathroom: i hope you’re all happy, because i just got a text from Uncle Clark that says ‘i want you to know i’m always here for you if you need a shoulder to lean on’.

Dick: *wheezes, falls into Cass, who has to hold him up* oh my god, Uncle Clark is my favourite person on this fuckin’ planet,

Jason, holding up a finger, reading from his phone: wait for it, because the Flash has responded to me in the actual chat, and he has said, ‘i’m so sorry you’re feeling like that Hood, i know what it’s like.’ to which Diana put, ‘depression is a battle that we all struggle with at some point, it’s brave of you both to speak up.’ and then Barry put, ‘i mean yeah, but i meant i knew what it felt like to run into the Batmobile wing-mirror at full speed’.

the batkids: *burst out laughing*

Jason, bowing begrudgingly: you’re welcome, you all better be fucking satisfied.

Damian, hanging onto Tim for balance: victory tastes so sweet-!

sooo ugly lmao