Super-trans-boy

I feel myself slowly drowning into depression again. Like it’s a huge punch in my stomach, a flame that burns too much or not enough. I was told I’m never enough since I’m... 3 I guess. And it has fucked me up. I’m a mess. I’m totally a mess. I smile in front of people I love to prevent them from worrying about me, but I feel lonely the most of time. In room full of people I feel empty, and lonely. I want to leave everything, but it would bring another kind of loneliness. I don’t understand myself. I feel lonely, and I want to leave the last things I still have.

I think I need attention. Not attention like « are you ok ? » or « are you sad? » « do you want a hug??? » but just someone I could laugh and feel better, without analysing everything. I’ve got some friends (like.. 2?) with whom I can laugh and feel safe but... I always wonder « am I enough for them? » and it destroys me. It’s like this with everyone around me. My family, my friends, my teachers, my classmates... I hate people, but I’m fed up of being lonely.

Maybe I’m not alone. But loneliness is killing me. I feel the darkness inside of me, burning one more time the little flowers I’ve taken care hardly and that I love so much.

I want to feel again the power of the pills in my body. It’s a huge part of what I’m fighting. I’m fighting against myself, against the others and all I find is depression, tears, fear, guilt, anxiety, anger, break-downs, pills and alcohol.

I don’t say I want to die, but if it happens, it could be very nice.

At the moment when I come back home and open the door, I’m a sad person. It’s a strange and bad atmosphere here, like it’s where I belong but not where I’m supposed to be.