the internet.

when you have a hammer everything looks like a guy you could kill with a hammer

Asunder is basically the most classic way to be torn, and if you're looking to be cleft, in twain is a vintage but stunning choice

beautiful mother soap dispenser just gave birth to a baby foam in my hand

i'm here for you if you ever need a shoulder to bite on

my friend was testing perfumes out at the store and she sniffed a bottle and anounced "ngl this bitch kind of sucks" The girl at the counter suddenly looked really sad, and my friend was like "I'm sorry, I wasn't talking about you." And the girl looked up and said "No don't worry, I didn't think that, but I just crushed a ladybug with my shoe" We both took a peak over the counter. she'd stepped on a red m&m

Settings > My Pillhead Uncle > Configure My Pillhead Uncle

it must be so freeing to be as stupid as a ceo. not a single thought echoing through that hollowed out skull. you get paid more money in 20 minutes than a handful of small countries make in a year combined to say the biggest number you can think of and if your company doesn’t hit that number you get to fire all of them

I hope the second half of this year is gentler on your spirit, kinder to you, good for your growth, and even better than the first half.

just received the best text message I’ve ever had. from my mom