serenade

FIRST CETACEAN!!! Figuring out how to make mask that maintains visibility while simultaneously still looking like a dolphin was complicated oh my gods- I am quite pleased with how it did turn out tho. If I do make others in the future, I think I am gonna try and find a different method of making the surface beyond using slightly smother fabric to cover it and putting five hundred layers of primer on it ;-;

as a bit of background information, i am a full-time college student with a part-time job. i am semi-independent, as in i am in charge of my own medical care, grocery shopping, budgeting and generally most “adult” things. i am in a relationship of 4+ years at the time of writing this. i’m chronically ill and have multiple mental illnesses as well.

lately i’ve been having trouble with the integration of nonhumanity into my adult life. i live in quite an urban area, a tourist town to be exact, and i do not have the current means to drive to areas with denser nature. i am also busy, working on multiple projects and time commitments. i do not really have time for “dedicated” connection to my alterhumanity. even due to my mental disorders, there is a mental block that prevents me from eating more like my species. maybe i’m being too hard on myself, when comparing myself to other adult nonhumans who frequently eat like their ‘types or go to national parks regularly. i don’t want to wear gear either.. it’s just not my thing. and my major is related to fashion, not animals or nature like most alterhumans do. i can’t hunt or fish like i want to.

i also had to step away from nonhumanity because of how distressing it was for me, at times. i frequently questioned what i was, to the point of spiraling and shutting down. it wasn’t very healthy for me to ruminate like this. that, and the rampant racism in the community. it was also extremely distressing. i’m black, and i have to be careful how i refer to myself and how deeply i refer to myself as not a human. my ancestors didn’t get a choice like i do.

there are no people in real life who know about my alterhumanity. this isolation of sorts probably doesn’t help either.

i think my problem is that i need to look at things through a new lens, but.. it’s hard to look at human things from a nonhuman perspective. canines do not make budgets. maned wolves don’t do homework. i think all of these “human” things are also part of the reason why i don’t shift anymore, or at least i don’t notice it. i can’t exactly ignore these responsibilities either. i can’t say “well im not a human, so i wont do human things.” because with that logic… i wouldn’t even have this tumblr page. i wouldn’t be able to play video games, or eat chocolate, or go to school for a major i love.

it wasn’t always like this either. i used to be so much more in touch when i was younger. i’d shift, meditate, frequently go out into my backyard and roam, growl and claw at family members who upset me, the whole nine. i’m not sure what happened. the only “shifts” that occur are ones to scavenge, which.. isn’t possible.