Diary of a Confused Dragonkin

It's a weird experience being a fictional character, especially dealing with fandom, the fact that your source is fictional, and interactions with people based on that--including some of the dehumanisation that's so common toward fictionfolk. I'm gonna go into that here because I need somwhere to collect my thoughts, so this might get long. I'll be talking about my experiences as a fictive, but this could very well apply to anyone who identifies as a fictional being--fictionkin, fictionlinkers, etc.

So, I see the version of me on the screen as an AU version of me, in short. I mean, I'm me, and I don't think I even looked exactly 1:1 with my canon self--so naturally, even though events line up pretty closely, I see my source as... Almost like a fanfic of my life? Like sure, that's decidedly me, and decidedly a lot of the things that happened to me and my friends, but also not me. I'm not that guy on the screen, he's what represents me.

Even though I fully believe I got here by dying in a literal past life, my source media here is absolutely fictional to me and I just... Don't look at it in really any other way. Which I guess makes sense if you put it into my perspective--what else would it be? It really is like reading a fanfic based on your life though, or reading an article about yourself in the news. A bit of a shock, a bit of "why did they include THAT?" sprinkled in here and there, a bit awkward sometimes, and it does tend to resurface bad feelings. But overall, it's not that personal to me. I'm largely fine with it existing.

On the other hand, what is shocking is that people see me as fictional. I'm a fictional introject, from a fictional source, from the perspectives of a lot of people here. But I look at my source and I go well... Yeah, that's fiction of course, but my life is an actual thing that happened to me. Realistically I know that not everyone has spiritual beliefs and not everyone even accepts fictional identities as something "real", but man is it weird to just... Have it be spun in such a way?

I'm used to being in the media, I'm used to having cameras on me and being in the public eye. I'm used to articles and stories and posts on the internet. I'm used to fans even! But this isn't your regular, run-of-the-mill experience of people wanting to know you because you're a hero. This is people who see your life and experiences as a fun story they saw in a book or on TV, coming up to you with the idea that you're their favourite character, and not... A whole entire person. It's so damn weird.

There's still that level of disrespect that comes from people who are a little parasocial with you, but it almost hits deeper here because a lot of the time, you know they're not seeing a hero or the things you've literally done in your memories. They're seeing that guy on the screen they think is cool, and while he represents you, he's not you. And they're treating you like a celebrity because of that weird fanfic version of you on the TV or in that book.

There's usually little acknowledgement of your life or experiences as "real". When you're presenting as your fictional identity around others, you tend to get put into one of a few camps:

Cool Character from Media who I love and adore and want to talk to (and will probably get fanperson excited about it). I will probably get dispraportionally upset if Character tells me to back off a bit because I don't want my blorbo to be mad at me.

Character from Media I'm in love with and will immediately start asking invasive questions to or outright flirting with. Could get real gross real quick.

Problematic Character or Guy From Problematic Media that I instantly dislike because that's so Problematic how dare you show your face. I'm reporting you for being Character, you should change your identity if you want to exist so bad.

Character from Media who is disabled/queer/mentally ill/has any soft personality trait ever and I will now be treating you like a sweet little babyboy cinnamon roll who could not hurt a fly.

Person who identifies as Character? How interesting! I'm going to really pry and question everything from your actions in-source (to get unique perspectives from Character) and question literally everything else. Because this is Science and I'll get mad if you don't tell me everything, you need to tell me everything or you're rude.

Of course there's nuance and there's absolutely times where you'll be treated as a normal person, but the above are... So damn common. I've been here for a few months and I've already had some weird stuff happen to me simply because I'm Kirishima and people feel entitled to give me cutesy nicknames or whatever. Even without knowing me or my system at all beforehand. It's just.. So different from anything I've experienced before? Being treated like a celebrity is dehumanising enough, but being treated like a character.ai bot or just generally a form of free entertainment and not a person is so perplexing to me.

There's also that if you're from a popular source, you see stuff about yourself everywhere. Posters, plushies, advertisements, posts on social media--all of it. Some of that I'm used to already, but it's kind of weird when you're mentally aware that this is all for that twisted-mirror version of yourself and not you. And if you get a little uncomfortable at some fanart showing up out of the blue, or someone making a source related joke... You're kind of just expected to brush it off. Which yeah, I get it! It's about the source, not me, but it's still just... A weird feeling. A feeling of not being allowed to be upset because it's about the source and not literal you.

I think there needs to be a line, maybe. Not saying that fictives should be putting a stop to any media or fandom ever, just.. That maybe respect toward us for being uncomfortable with fan content due to being a fictive or fictionkin should be more normalised. It should be more okay to say "hey, I'm Character, please don't joke like that" to a friend, or "don't send me fanart of this thing, I'm Character and that's weird"--which it normally is! But there does tend to be a sort of layer of "Oh, it's because you're Character. You know that's not you, right? You shouldn't be upset, you need to source separate more."--when if most other people were to set a boundary like that, it would usually be respected. Source separation can be great, but if someone hasn't separated or doesn't want to, why is it okay to still send them material they're uncomfortable with--or at least, why do people tend to argue that the fictive should "just separate from source" instead? It... Just boils down to alterhumisia toward fictionfolk, honestly. It sucks.

There's no right or wrong here, but here's my spin on it. Let me know what you think! And if you haven't done it yet, vote on the poll I created!

Human: homo sapiens. genetically human.

I am a polytherian, which means that I have multiple Theriotypes. While some identify as all of their theriotypes equally, or with random fluctuations throughout the year, mine exists seasonally.

Spring has started, warm weather has reached us for about a week now, and my inner perception of self has turned mostly marten like. I will experience a high point of racoons shifts throughout the next few months as well.

My cat theriotype will be less present until autumn or a few rainy days come by. If the air is not overly moist, my silverfish type will stay hidden as well.

My fox theriotypes will shift through with the weather. Hot days will make me feel more fennec like, while snow (which I won't be seeing for a while) will turn me into an Arctic fox.

Exceptions to this exist, this winter I had a strong fennec shirt while shoveling snow.

There's a few kin and Theriotypes of mine that exist all year round, a such as my Avian kintype. I experience all the seasons as this bird like creature that I am.

I used to be afraid when I stopped feeling like a certain animal for a few months, and got confused if I even was a Therian, now I know, that this is part of my normal Therianthropic experiences, and that they will come back eventually.

Based on the season, my horse theriotype fluctuates in breed.

During the fall and start of the winter I feel my friesian theriotype become stronger, and by the end of the winter into spring Im more of a missouri fox trotter.

Nearing the end of spring and into early summer I feel like a chincoteague pony, and then as we reach fully into summer my Irish cob self is strongest.

Then we start the cycle again.

Some of my types, my appaloosa type is more random, but it usually happens around the fall and early winter as well, and Ive only discovered me being a missouri fox trotter recently so we'll see how I feel throughout the year! I think those two types are most consistent throughout the year though.

Like "yesss your so puppyboy/bunnygirl"

Introducing a survey on Species-Based Misgendering, hosted by Duranos of The River System.

     Species-Based Misgendering: the assumption of one's gender and/or pronouns based on the expectations of one's species, stemming from biases, when the expected gender does not match the individual's gender.       Gendered Expectation: the expectation set for a species' gender, whether this bias comes from a cultural or folkoric background, establishment in a media, a linguistic framework, etc.

The survey is open both to the identities underneath the alterhuman umbrella, as well as nonhuman/human+ folks within plural conglomerates. While this survey is primarily looking for responses from those who have been misgendered based on their species, those who have not experienced species-based misgendering are welcome to complete the survey as well. Interpretation of what counts as species-based misgendering is open to interpretation by each individual, and there are long-form fillable responses throughout the survey to accommodate this.

Rolling submissions for ANIMAL are now live. Check out our submission guidelines on our website, or read more below.

I reflect often on how alterhumanity was what preserved me. That ending up as what and who I am is what saved me from what seemed like unavoidable death. Losing the identity of human gave me power at a time in which I had none. I could either accept what had become of me, or refuse and perish into the empty stillness. If I had the choice to be human, I would refuse every single time. I am delighted by who and what I am. Dare I say I was overjoyed by the process of “corruption”, as one born in a religious home constantly emphasizing “purity” and stasis.

But as of late, I have wrongfully covered up that aspect of my life, hoping to wait for better time in the world to be myself. What a fool I am. My strength is in that aspect. The moment you forget what you are is the moment you concede power to those who want you gone. I desired to avoid the toxicity I know that comes with people online, but I am forced to realize there are people who need to hear voices like mine.

And to them, I say: I know you are out there. I know you are frustrated by the expectation to keep things whimsical and palatable. I know you are ashamed of your grim truth and style. I know you are troubled by being “the odd otherkin out” and frustrated that you cannot mimic the expressions of others. I have been here this whole time. Feeling unwelcome for my experience with vampirism, for my own story, for my refusal to think in monochrome duality. I know what it is like to be you. And you should be respected completely.

For context this is me (just a rough approximation from a picrew, it's hard to gauge how I might have looked in that body since it uses echolocation instead of seeing)

ANIMAL is a new independent literary magazine devoted to featuring works by individuals with animal identities, including furries and animal-identifying alterhumans. We are seeking literature and art from individuals who identify with or as an animal in any capacity, be it through gender, spirituality, or/and another one of the many ways one can be animal. As a catch-all for such communities, we use the phrase furry&alterhuman, with a non-spaced ampersand to represent animals who exist around, between, and in both communities.

Our mission is to build a community founded on the celebration of animal-made literary works. Through this project we hope that we can further understanding and respect for our communities.

ANIMAL is based on Substack at animalmagazine.substack.com. Take a look at our website to find submission information and to learn more about us.

What if someone kins like Jesus or some other person/being or religion.

Like are they problematic? Is it blasphemy? Is it okay?

Is it "problematic", or, a little more precisely, is it disrespectful? Like basically every other time this question comes up with regards to 'kinity, I think that's less about what you are and more about how you handle it. I absolutely think it's possible to have a kintype that's part of an extant religion and be massively disrespectful about it. But at the same time, if we agree that kintypes are generally not something that are chosen (exceptions apply, but generally speaking)... you can't very well say that something is inherently immoral if it's not a choice.

I do think it's something one probably should handle with a little more delicacy and care than a deity that no one on Earth worships, though. Research the deity (or other figure) in question as extensively as you can, make sure that you're certain it really does line up - there's no real moral issue with grabbing an animal and going "yep, that's me!" without actually researching it and then ending up misrepresenting it because it doesn't actually align that well with your experiences, but it is appropriative and disrespectful to point at a figure from someone else's religion and claim to be that figure while completely misunderstanding and misrepresenting what that figure actually is and is about because you didn't bother to do research. (There are cases, frankly, where this basically does mean that being [x]kin doesn't make a lot of sense, where being in a human body is itself contradictory to what the entity is; that being said, I'm sure there's some logical explanation one could come up with that doesn't contradict the source material completely.) And once you're sure, don't... go around claiming to be the One And Only [X], don't claim their worshipers as your own or walk up to people of that religion to talk about how you're their god, generally don't claim to be an authority on that religion unless you actually follow it, certainly do not be going around telling people they're wrong about their own religion, etc. etc. you get the idea. It's in some ways very similar to fictionkin etiquette, but with even more weight to it. There's nothing inherently wrong about being a figure from an extant religion, but you do have to treat it with a little more care and can't be quite as casual about it, at least in public spaces.

It’s normal for your connection to your kintype/hearttype to fluctuate

It’s normal to not have memories

It’s normal if the line between relating and identifying as your kintype is blurry

It’s normal to not be spiritual

Daemonism is a practice. The concept of it can be used by anyone: alterhuman or not, plural or not. It can be pure playfulness. It can be imaginary, and that's okay! That's a beautiful experience in its own respect!

There's no universal daemian experience because we accept and embrace that our minds, and our experiences, are ours alone.

The community isn't built on a shared experience – just a shared idea which we all create unique versions of.

Some people stick closer to the basic idea we started with. Some just take what they like from it and throw out the rest. Some only take vague inspiration from it. Some people adapt it more than others, sometimes due to being neurodivergent, plural, and/or alterhuman.

It's still daemonism because daemonism isn't defined by us all "doing the same thing" or "having the same experience".

Daemonism is, for the most part, defined by a person deciding that they want to call what they are doing or experiencing daemonism.

And a large part of that is often in connection to the community, whether directly or in a peripheral way, by taking inspiration from the practice, making use of the community's writings, and so on.

This is why I think daemonism is often misunderstood in an alterhuman context. Daemonism is not an experience, it's not an identity – it's just an idea we each take and make our own. And that's what it should be. That's the beauty of it!

Anyone could be a daemian if they want to. There's no requirements. A lot of people get started with daemonism purely because it sounds fun! A lot of people start with only their imagination, and many people remain so.

For others, it might become something else in time, or they might discover there was something underlying their imaginings all along. It's no more or less a practice of daemonism, either way.

A lot of alterhuman concepts don't apply to daemonism because of this. Fact is, there's plenty of daemians who are orthohumans too, and plenty of people who specifically see their daemonism as an orthohuman practice.

I see it get included under the alterhuman umbrella a lot, and I feel like it gives the wrong first impression to come at it from that angle by default.

Really, it's more comparable with being a furry. For some people, it is a deep, impactful, life-altering experience, and the people who feel that way are a vital part of the community. But equally, for some it is an exercise in whimsy, playfulness, or creativity – and those people are no less members of the community for it.

We're not united by being plural, or having thoughtforms, or being alterhuman. We're united by being a bunch of people who were inspired by some books (or a film or TV show) to play around with the idea of daemons, and ended up sticking with it for one reason or another.