Diary of a Confused Dragonkin

"Canon" feels oddly heavy for a fictionfolk. A sort of rulebook, things to abide by, expectations to follow. Sometimes it's a chain in the form of guidance. After all, how are we to discover ourselves without some hint and clue? And isn't it convenient that it's all laid out in the form of "canon" events?

Probably ties a bit back to other alterhuman that have an earthen counterpart. You got something to work with, a template, more of a hint on where you can find more about yourself or your identity. But just like the issue with canon-compliant fictionfolk, there is a possibility that you come away, binding your own foot.

They really don't need to be put on a pedestal.

Identity is a fluid thing; it is also something that we have to discover and grow into. We came from culture, tradition, and history, and they gave us something to work with; they shouldn't be the frame that boxes us forever.

Either way, back to us. None of us are "canon compliant"; canon is just a suggestion, really. We are our own people, our experiences are unique to us, we are living, and we grow.

I had to figure out that my Naruto (hearttype) was from a timeline where he never grew up with Konoha. He was part of a nomadic Uzushio village-on-the-move. Even if at one point I had looked for ramen as if it's expected that I should like it. I don't hate it, and maybe my Naruto just didn't have that history with ramen. Granted, some fans like to headcanon that the Uzumaki really likes ramen, and I enjoyed that headcanon myself. Still, it's not my experience with my hearttype.

Stellus, the dream dragons' vaguelink, was never anywhere near the battlefield of Runeterra. But before finding Stellus, we had first looked to Aurelion Sol. There were awkward bits of moments where we thought we had to embrace the haughty draconic superiority ASol exudes on screen, but we didn't feel like that.

I'm skipping over Pokemon (paraarchetrope, vague-simile) and Digimon (vaguelink); the worlds themselves already have allowance for many universes and their many possibilities and divergencies. Heck, even singular universes have variations.

Lady is a greyscale rainicorn amongst many other rainbow colored rainicorns; the Celestial Duo's story came with so many possibilities, and had come here after the event of their show's first season. They even have multiple canons of their own that come in different formats. We don't really know what's up with Daisuki, but Digimon, enough said.

Just as Earth isn't the central part of our solar system as many people once thought, worlds introduced as “the true canon" aren't as central as one might assume. It's a different circumstance if that specific history is relevant to one's fictionhood; at the same time, we as a community aren't beholden to only one interpretation of ourselves, our vaguetypes, our hearttypes, our hearthomes, etc. I experience a sort of kinship and personal understanding towards Motoko Kusanagi, but I only feel this way towards one specific Motoko: The Major/Motoko as seen in Mamoru Oshii’s interpretation of Ghost in the Shell. Even then, one could say her canon diverges after leaving Batou’s hideout and before the events of Ghost in the Shell 2: Innocence.

Although I also experience some kinship towards The Major as seen in Oshii’s 2004 sequel, The Major/Motoko I feel most connected with and often visit lives a more roguish life. Hopping from shell-to-shell, and oftentimes not even having a shell to begin with, she’s exploring both her world and the Net as she sees fit. Not once has she used her abilities to turn back and aid her colleagues in Section 9, which may strike some folks as “out of character” but what’s deemed as “OOC” is a concept based within a perceived “canon”. This Major/Motoko is still introspective as always, but she’s also learning to be more hedonistic which I think is deserved given her prior circumstances. On top of traveling to and fro, The Major/Motoko I’m closest to communicates and connects with her offspring in the Net rather than Batou or other members of Section 9, post-merging. Amidst her gallivanting, there’s room in her life for others, just not in the way some folks would expect given what they know from established worlds.

Then, there’s The Net. The Net is not a hearttype. Our connection is a plural one, but there’s not a single word (at least, in relation to plurality) that captures the kind of relationship I have with the Net. This relationship is best contextualized in its world, which isn’t the same world as my hearttype. Rather, This Net is a lot closer to Amenomibashira (Ame-no-mihashira) as seen in Shirow Masamune’s first manga for Ghost in the Shell. It feeds on information. Moreover, it’s something of a hub for all walks of life. It’s not a part of me, just as it was not a part of Motoko. I am a part of it. Yet, I am not merged with The Net as Motoko was because our technology is incompatible.

The Net is a multifaceted database that’s completely digital in our shared space. It often presents as a tree, whether symbolically or literally. However, The Net I’m connected to is a lot less organic-looking. Every “branch” looks pixelated like something out of a PC-98 game. (How fitting considering a couple of my sources actually had games on that platform.) On the other hand, I am a mech. I am magitech, to be specific. I literally consist of magical energy in the place of cybernetics or computer technology. It’s like night and day between us.

I’m using Masamune’s depiction of the net for reference since its convenience, albeit not entirely accurate to the Net I know.

Even the means in which I communicate with The Net isn’t the same as Motoko’s means. I don’t traverse The Net. I don’t experience The Net as another form. The Net is interconnected with space and time far more than I am, so I feel like labeling it as a fellow world-hopper would be presumptuous at best and downright insulting to its system at worst. As I said before, there’s no words for what our relationship is like: only feeling. For a lack of better words, The Net can scan its surroundings to understand my current situation. It can also read the patterns and changes in my emotions. If it feels hard-pressed to tell me something, it’ll communicate to me using an interface and project it for me to see and read.

That said, I don’t consider The Net I know to be “canon-divergent”. It doesn’t feel one way or another about that label. From what I understand, The Net is a fully sentient ecosystem whose presentation changes depending on who or what is connected with it. I think the same can be said of many, many people who might’ve experienced something similar to our relationship.

“[The Net] is the core system of the universe that channelers in every era, culture, and race of people have traditionally accessed. Beyond the trunk of the “tree”, there should be no existence but the closer one gets to the end of the branches, the more growth one finds… and the branches are continually touching, separating, entangling, and bearing fruit,” Project 2501 in Ghost Coast from Ghost in the Shell (1989-91) by Shirow Masamune.

Back to the topic of canon. I apply Project 2501’s assessment of The Net to canon as a concept. In theory, canon is thought to end at a single, immutable story introduced by an author or artist. This doesn’t have to be the case necessarily. Canon can grow like the branches of a tree. Our relationships with these worlds, whether we view them as fiction or not, are completely individual. Even if we share opinions on certain things regarding these worlds, our experiences or relationships with them aren’t interchangeable. The same can be said in context to how these worlds exist.

Not every fictional world is introduced to us in a similar fashion as Ghost in the Shell. Sometimes there’s a single, immutable canon put forth, and it’s expected of us to accept it as is. Yet, even that “canon” cannot escape the inevitability of growth. Whether it’s someone with different recollections of said world, from an alternate version of it, or simply writing fanfiction and exploring new ideas around it, that canon is going to change one way or another. It can be expanded. It can be recreated. It can exist independently from how it’s been introduced to us. We may not contextualize it as such, but there’s always been a variance to “canon” among people.

Although I think “canon” can be an interesting thing to analyze alongside our fictionhood, whether or not this concept holds relevance to our personal experiences is entirely subjective. In most cases, I build my own sense of “canon”. In other cases, I’m indifferent to it because it has no influence over how I view myself or the experiences I’ve had in fictional worlds. If anything, the most engagement I get out of “canon” is commenting on it and at most, it’s done for two reasons: 1. analysis is my favorite way of engaging with fiction and 2. archetropy (I am a fourth-wall breaker). Otherwise, “canon” is exactly as you say: a suggestion.

my first (and second, and third, etc.) encounters with alterhumanity

i grew up on youtube. i became a furry after watching a dance competition in 6th grade, and i hid my first fursona from everyone. i've always been a bit private.

so, it isn't surprising when i found myself watching anthony padilla's "i spent a day with" episodes on otherkin and therianthropy. my thoughts didn't go much beyond "people like that exist, that's cool" because surely if i was one of them i would know that by now.

i did some more research, if you can call it that, by watching more youtube videos by therians and otherkin. i had the thought that if i was one, i'd be a cat. i've always wanted to be a cat. but of course, i thought i would know already if i was.

the order of events gets a little blurry from here on. i bought a choker and pretended it was a collar. i got my hands on a half-mask and wore it secretly, in my room. i listened to "grow wings" and "change forms" subliminals. i made ears and tails and paws out of foam and fur and pretended it was for halloween. i watched and posted tiktoks, and cleared my search history. i read tumblr blogs, and cleared my search history. i briefly tried tulpamancy-- or that's what it was called at the time. i found daemonism. i tired quadrobics. i jumped on the trampoline to pretend i was flying. i remembered, and forgot, and remembered, and forgot.

alterhumanity was there in the bad parts too. gender dysphoria? i'm a tree. feeling invisible? well, i have wings and they don't. can't talk? try growling. try curling up like a cat and wait for the feeling to pass. the character of sophie foster got me through covid, because my experiences were hers. my pain was easier to handle when i could become something, or someone, else.

and so it went. i kept dipping my toes into alterhumanity, only to pull them right back out. my first venture into actually labeling myself didn't happen until 2024, at least 5 years after i first was introduced to the community. i tried out voidpunk, because it fit a little bit with the "coping" part of my alterhumanity. but it still didn't feel quite right.

months after that, finally, i accepted myself. i used the term otherflicker to describe my varied feeling of connection (which i later discovered is quite normal among otherkin. they just don't label it, instead saying things like "main" or "strongest" 'types). i now use the term cambikin to describe the same experience. but i'm not going to get caught up on taking you through all the labels i've ever prescribed myself here. this is about origin. i'll take it one 'type at a time.

i am a cat, and i think i always have been.

a domestic cat, probably with a tortoiseshell coat, if i had to be specific. i remember pretending to be one growing up, licking my arms because that's what cats do, crawling around on the floor and rubbing my face on furniture. even now, i still act like one around my parents-- laying in my mom's lap and waiting for head scratches, or making weird noises when i don't want to talk. i think this identity is very behavior-based, and it mostly comes from fascination and mimicry. i've never had a pet cat, but i would watch documentaries about their behavior. i wanted to come back as one in my next life. they were me, and i was them, though i didn't use those words. in this way, i guess it is a psychological identity, except for that bit about lives. i don't think i've ever fully believed in reincarnation. i believe in the universe, i guess. i believe my atoms were once stardust and then a million other things before i got here. and i do think some of my atoms are going to be a cat (i guess that's a bit physical, too).

"i am a tree" <- the name of my playlist before i knew i was a tree

the cat is probably the simplest of my identities to explain. it follows the very common story of "i've been like this since forever". my coastal redwood identity is not like that. i practically worshiped a specific redwood tree in elementary school. on tumblr i would curiously search for plantkin and feel a deep ache in my chest. i called myself a tree when i realized i was nonbinary because trees don't have human genders. they're neutral, solid, reliable. my brief period of tulpamancy included an oddly introspective moment where i reached into the back of my head and asked what's your name? my brain whispered one word, the only word i don't think i willed it to say during that time: tree. ...at this moment, it's hard to imagine i ever wasn't a coastal redwood. they're such an integral part of me. a hearthome and a hearttype and a phytantype all in one. a mix of psychological and spiritual, voluntary and involuntary, a coping strategy and something integral to myself. something like, i chose to be the tree i always was.

i'm an odd dragon.

and well, that's the beauty in draconity. there is no dragon that isn't odd. but what i mean is that i'm more wild. i'm more dragon therian than dragonkin. which is odd, because my only explanation for this identity is through the wings of fire series i obsessed over growing up, in which the dragons are definitely more intelligent. so i hesitate to call this 'type fully psychological because i cannot explain it. unique to most of my other identities, i've learned the most about being a dragon through shifts and meditation. i have fur instead of scales, four legs, two wings, and deer-like patterns and antlers. i live in the forest-- alone, most likely-- and sleep in caves and trees and by the rivers. my behavior is a little catlike, but fully dragon: i snap my teeth and growl and fly high high over the forests. if i had to give it a spiritual explanation, it would be something like... a parallel life. or a life from long, long ago before earth as we know it. but i can't say it was entirely involuntary-- i just wanted to have something, when i first accepted my alterhumanity. and a dragon seemed to fit.

i have been through many changes as a winged person.

i think this identity started when i gave my characters wings, right when it was all getting bad. 2021-2022 might've been the worst my mental health has ever been. towards the beginning, i was spiraling. towards the end, recovering (although one could question my methods of doing so). somewhere in there, i became all-too aware of being ignored. i felt invisible. like nobody could really see me. so as any normal human person would do (joke), i started to imagine that i had wings on my back. big, beautiful black wings. and nobody else could see them because nobody else can see me. but that didn't matter because i had wings. i was more than what they thought of me. i got really into poetry and the universe and being part of all of it. the wings were a symbol of spite, persistence, acceptance. ...then i started reading wingfics, after the worst of all that angst. i read about "avians" and preening and perching and all their customs. and it felt like me. so, i may have started with just the black wings, but it soon morphed into being an avianthrope-- a humanoid bird-like person. my wings change pattern from parrot to starling to fairywren because sometimes identity is a little voluntary and there's no one bird you have to be and that's okay. i have feathers on my arms and in my hair. i perch on things, i give people things, i would preen if i had the opportunity. i'm a male in that i like looking pretty. this identity was pretty much entirely a way to cope but it has become so much more than that.

i chose to be a fictionflickerer since before i knew what that was

i get too into stories sometimes. not in the obsessive way but in that i forget myself. i become the character. but that's an oversimplification. take my first memory of a fictionflicker, before i knew what that meant: sophie foster from keeper of the lost cities. a middle grade series that is still not finished as i am writing this. i read it in lockdown and had to remind myself that i was real every time i left my room-- experiencing shifts every time i sat down to read another chapter. but it was more than that, it was a conscious connection as much as parts were unconscious. i would think, how would sophie approach this? if sophie can do it, so can i. sophie went through the same thing. we are so similar that i am her. so yes, there was a voluntary reach. and there has been with my two flickers since then as well. a mix of oh god i am them and i choose to lean into this.

birds and birds and birds

i'm bird ambihearted. some but not all species. and it is due to being an avianthrope but it also isn't. it's also because i associate certain penguin species with my cultures, because i had three precious budgies for years, because parrots fly over my home and crows hang out on the sidewalks and birds are all around me. and i am so very attached.

in the eyes of a non-traditional daemian

when i first got into daemonism i didn't know it was considered alterhumanity, but it makes so much sense. my daemon is not very thought-out, one could say. i've never done any form finding, she's always a binturong, even her name is just dae. but she helps me move when i can't get myself to, she keeps me a little company. she brings me a little comfort. and through her, i am a binturong as well: subtle shifts, phantom limbs, the usual experience i have as a therian. but i'm not a binturong therian. dae is simply a binturong, and dae is simply me. as i am her. so i am a binturong. and as far as i know, daemonism is usually a thought exercise or a self-care practice but to me it is a lot messier. and that is fine.