A Desperate Writer

Sometimes, I think of you again and I wonder if everyone else since have been nothing but distractions. Because truthfully, if we had worked out, I would have been set for life. If we had worked out, I would have never fallen in love again. If you had wanted us to work out, I would have been yours forever. And if there’s any chance you still do, I would choose you over anyone.

I still like this boy who just doesn’t care about me anymore. He won’t talk to me, won’t respond to my messages, and won’t reach out. I thought he really liked me because he told me so. And so I just keep hoping we’ll cross paths again, that it’s a “right person wrong time” type of situation, and that someday, one day, he’ll realize we were meant to be together all along. I keep hoping that one day he’ll mature and start caring and that he’ll go out of his way to get me back into his life. I keep hoping that someday he’ll reach out to me and keep reaching out, whatever it takes to get me. I keep hoping he’ll realize what he’s lost when he lost me and he’ll regret it. I keep hoping all the dreams I have about him will come true. I hope so much that it’s the only thing that keeps me holding on. I don’t know if I really have feelings left for him or if it’s just infatuation. I don’t know if I’m in love with a different, made-up version of him or the real him. I don’t even know why I started liking him in the first place. I saw him one day, and then I just did. I didn’t know anything about him. I only knew what I observed from the way he spoke, how he walked, and how he looked. So how could I like someone I had never even met before? But then I met him and I found I was right about a lot of things. He was kind, sweet, funny, smart, and he was a lot more. Learning more and more about him only increased my feelings for him. He was good at making me feel special, but also the most unimportant person in the world. He would give me his time, and then take it away just as fast. He would make the possibility of hanging out seem like trying to fly when you know you’re falling off a cliff. I didn’t believe in him anymore, because I couldn’t believe his words. His actions spoke louder. And I resented him for feeding my hope and giving me nothing in return. And so I left. I decided to stop reaching out, and I guess he decided to do the same. There was just no way we could be together when he made it so difficult. He created so many obstacles that grew into brick walls that I could no longer cross. I felt blocked from his life, with no direction to turn except away from him. I only wanted to be close to him. He pushed me away. And only when I pushed him away back would he let me in. So we kept pushing each other away until I realized no matter how strong the feelings, it wasn’t worth feeling so unwanted all the time. It wasn’t worth the countless moments of disappointment and tears and the pain of never being good enough. I knew I deserved better, but I still wanted him. I made excuses for him, and blamed myself. I told myself he was just shy and didn’t have experience so that’s why he didn’t know what to do or say sometimes. But that’s not enough to justify his actions, because his intentions are so much clearer. He never intended to be with me. He never intended to keep me in his life. He never even intended to say goodbye, he just left his absence for me, and that’s all I have left of him. I may never get another one of his words or smiles and he may never look me in the eyes anymore. And that’s something I’m still processing. No matter what’s happened, I don’t want to believe that this is the end. I don’t want to believe that choosing to walk away has caused me to lose him forever.

“I was told it was okay to make mistakes because they could be erased but I had to watch mistakes turn people I call friends into enemies. I was told to ignore the haters because they would give up and I spent years watching them try harder. When I asked for solutions I was given the illusion that everything could be chalked up to jealously which led to years of thinking subtle cruelty was something to laugh at. And I gained anxiety that gave me a hardened shell which did nothing to protect me from my thoughts or from being told that how I felt was ‘normal.’ I began to believe I was overexaggerating my own existence and ignorant of everyone else’s issues when really, I had too much of my own to cope with. It takes time to stop believing the things people say, but it takes longer to undo the damage it leaves behind.”

Today was a day full of ups and downs. We didn't speak, and although I had moments of clarity because of the lack of communication, somehow my mind always wandered back to you.

My Christmas list.

You

“How is it that I can stand surrounded by people who want me, and yet I will always reach for the one person who will never reach back and take my hand no matter how much I am offering?,”

In awe of you

Missing you is like trying to take a breath underwater. Tonight, my bed lies on the ocean floor.