there you are, coward

i fucking hate being an adult with a slowly increasing number of responsibilities its like one day you wake up and youre like aw fuck when was the last time i descaled the coffee machine

"theres gonna be a power outage tomorrow welp i better boil some water in advance!" "oh gee looks like its time to vacuum the carpet!" GET REAL?????? YOU SOUND INSANE

someday youre gonna be out of baking soda when it matters most and its gonna destroy you

baby girl I don't know what that acronym means. it would be so sexy of you to write out that piece of media's name in its entirety. Just the one time for momma please.

i know you said we ride at dawn but i’m not a morning person actually. can we ride after lunch

gonna be honest i don’t know how many more ‘enter the 6 digit code we sent to your phone’s i got left in me

“Would you block someone just for disagreeing with you?” Pal, I’ll block someone for agreeing with me in the wrong tone of voice.

it's so important to get a useless degree so that no one will ever hire you #Truth

you fucking idiot. you misread a social encounter. we're gonna fucking kill you