Here I speak

Recently I keep having dreams about my first love.

All I want is to fall asleep next to You everynight

I’ve been dreaming for so many years now. And I’m serious. Why no one wants to kidnap me? Am I too ugly? Too fat? Too boring perhaps?

You made bubblegum taste weird.

Once I was sure that no metter what, I should be soft and submissive, obidient. A trustworthy servant, guardian angel of ones that I love.

It’s like, I’m on a separate track, parallel tunnel, straight, long, made out of old heavy bricks that muffle the sound of my steps. I walk, I walk everyday and I pass many windows that works like venetian mirrors; they cannot see me, but I can see quite clearly. I sight from time to time. There are no fire exits and I don’t know when I will reach the end. I know, that they cannot hear me, beacause it’s like, I’m on a separate track, parallel tunnel, straight, long, made out of old heavy bricks that muffle the sound of my steps. [...]

And I lied on my mattress, energy drinks spilled allover the floor and I felt tears gathering up in my eyes but I couldn't cry. I just laughed staring at the ceiling, laughting in the face of god, his son and his personal whore. I smiled because I found it funny, how far they have pushed me when all I wanted was to join their circles.

I get these thoughts sometimes. I have this urge to hurt myself so badly that I would end-up in a hospital.

My tears soaked through forged love letters. I wrote them when I was drunk, so I won't remember, so I can belive that they were from you.

I never wanted this, never had a chance to say what body I’d like to be put in and as who I want to identify as.

And I have no one who will cover my ears when you tell me you never loved me.

I'm starting to think that god has made me as nothing more than a tool to change others and a vessel for their words to be thrown in.