SubSpace

Walking the journey of a submissive can be one that is both difficult, and fraught with personal danger, but there are many ways to make that journey safer. Let’s talk about some of the ways in which YOU as a submissive, can minimize your risk, while pursuing your kink journey…

DON’T GO IT ALONE!!

In isolation, you have no one to turn to for help. One of the single most disturbing types of asks I have gotten over the years have been from submissive people who find themselves in an unhealthy relationship with a partner they are living with, but have nowhere to go, and no one to support their leaving. Once you cease trusting someone’s intentions toward you, you need to have a place to bail to, and people who will support a healthy decision to get out, and start over. Without a backup plan, an abusive relationship is able to evolve unchecked, with the abuser able to feel like they have the run on their destructive behavior without accountability. 

THERE IS SAFETY IN NUMBERS…

Once an abuser understands that you have support, and that their behavior may lead them to trouble with the law, obliterate their reputation within a community of kink, or in any way become answerable for their actions, it becomes more complicated for an abuser to run the table on your limits and consent. 

GET REFERENCES

It is in no way fucked up to ask a prospective Dominant who you can talk to about them, or just go on your own accord to ask people you know who are their acquaintances what kind of partner they perceive they would be for you. A good and safe candidate for a Dominant would understand this as a safety practice, and not become offended. Any Dominant who becomes incensed by you asking for, or going and digging for references, is likely someone with shitty things they’ve done that they want to keep hidden. If he doesn’t have submissives he’s cared for in the past that can talk highly of him, how likely is it that you will be the first that does?

LEARN

How can learning keep you safe? You’re reading this post, aren’t you? If you take to heart some of what is laid out herein, will you not be safer? The more you know about the rules and etiquette surrounding kink, the less likely you are to be taken in by those who aren’t interested in pesky “safewords”, or other obvious signs you’re not speaking to someone who should be considered for your submission.  

FIRST “IN REAL LIFE” MEETINGS

If you’re meeting a prospective dominant in real life for the first time, do it in a public place. A dominant who would be a good candidate for your submission will not try to steer you from meeting in a public place, or push you towards doing things that would take you away from that public place.

TELL SOMEONE WHAT YOU’RE DOING

When meeting a prospective Dominant for the first time, tell someone you know and trust what you’re doing, and arrange to check in with them several times during your date so they know it is going well, and you are safe. If a prospective Dominant has a problem with this safe practice, do not meet them, or exit the date promptly when that is made known.

SCREENING CANDIDATES

One of the most important skills a submissive can hone, is their ability to screen prospective Dominants. During this time you can ask a million questions about their views on life, philosophies in kink, experience, personal lives, or what kind of dynamic they would build with you, and their plan for carrying it out. This is a time to get to know and trust the person who you may ask to control multiple aspects of your life. You want to really KNOW this person. There is nothing more dangerous than an excited submissive who throws caution to the wind in this realm. Being a good screener, is part of being a good, and safe submissive.

SAFEWORDS

Never let a Dominant forbid you from keeping or using a safeword as a way of stopping anything that may prove beyond your limits within your dynamic. While some D/s couples choose to put them aside and respect a basic, “no”, or “stop” from their partners, the safeword is meant to be one of the few universally understood last vestiges of power a submissive holds within any power dynamic. Any dominant who limits or forbids you to keep one, and use one, is to be avoided. If you are being pushed past your limits without a way to make it stop, you are being abused. 

Be A Smart and Safe Submissive

“If you ever get the blues about American culture, there are still more public libraries than McDonald’s.”

My early beliefs about D/s were shaped by a series of pretty emotionally abusive relationships. And by shit I read in the weird crevices of the internet. For a long time, I didn’t know any better.

Pair that with the fact that I’m a perfectionist and you got some pretty dicey situations. And I’m not talking oh, I like to do well - I’m talking a nearly pathological need to be perfect. 

I used to think the perfect sub would take whatever they were given and beg for more. I used to think the perfect sub would never have to use their safeword. I used to think the perfect sub was always willing, ready, and available. 

I used to think the perfect sub didn’t have limits. Or that if they did then they’d happily push and test and abandon those limits to please their Dom(me). 

I used to think the perfect sub didn’t make waves, didn’t ask for too much, and didn’t need more than what they were given. 

I used to think the perfect sub was focused entirely on the relationship and on pleasing their Dom(me) and that nothing was ever - EVER - more important than that.

I used to think the perfect sub was pleasing, quiet, agreeable, soft, and pliant. Always. Without exception.

But now I know better.

The perfect sub has limits and safewords when it gets to be too much. The perfect sub is not afraid to safeword whenever and whyever they need to.

The perfect sub has needs and speaks up about those needs because they know that their Dom(me) is not a mind reader.

The perfect sub has expectations and requirements and beliefs that they bring to the relationship. The perfect sub has deal breakers and things that will not be negotiated.

The perfect sub is not always ready, not always willing, and not always available - and that’s okay.

The perfect sub has a life and focus outside of the relationship. The perfect sub has interests and hobbies and friends and a life. And sometimes that life requires attention.

The perfect sub doesn’t necessarily like everything that’s depicted in porn. The perfect sub can’t necessarily deepthroat or take a spanking or be tied up in elaborate positions.

The perfect sub knows that communication is key. And knows that it’s okay to stand up for themselves. And knows that their Dom(me) is not a god but a human.

And the perfect sub is human too. Which means that they’re not really perfect at all.

And that’s okay.

I’m okay

I love you

Thank you

It’s alright

I’m not hurt

I’m not hurt too badly

You’re lovely/wonderful/kind

I enjoyed it

It was worth it

Take your time

Do you need anything?

Do you want a cuddle?

Do you want me to get dressed/take the collar off/put the crop away?

Do you want to talk about it?

I’m here

You’re not a bad person

Top drop/dom drop usually comes from shock, guilt or insecurity about the way you have just treated someone whose well-being you care about very much. Like sub drop, it is usually accompanied by a fall in endorphins and general energy levels. Especially for aces (who I find have a greater need to be in the right mindset/’zone’ for play and intimacy), a ‘snap’ moment where you break out of play mode can throw you emotionally, and the end of play causes a similar reassessment or double-take at what happened during the scene.

With some of this stuff it’s hard to tell if it’s ironic detachment or genuine racism, but at some point, what’s the f***king difference?

I’m beyond angry right now ugh

My great grandparents didn’t sit through fucking internment camps in WWII for this

When in doubt, do what Cap would do…

Recently I’ve had conversations with three separate submissives, all in the same vein of conversation: the desire to talk to their Dominant/Daddy/Sir/Master about things that aren’t working in their relationship or dynamic, and their fear that it won’t be received well. 

In fact, all three of them have expressed a legitimate concern that they would actually lose their dynamic if they voiced their concerns to their Dominant partner. 

This, to me, is a red flag. 

Dominance and submission is, as I have said before, a dance. It is a power exchange. Note the use of that word: exchange. Give and take. Push and pull. Left and right. Lead and follow. 

Something has to be given to be taken, and when a facet is missing, the dance is a stumble, a drag, a collapse. And someone ends up being dragged across the floor on their face, bleeding and frightened. 

{This can apply to any part of the power exchange, of course, but as a submissive myself, I’m addressing specifically when it happens to us.}

I have heard “dominants” express the following: “asking me to make changes or telling me you don’t like how I’m handling things is topping from the bottom and it’s a sign of a poor submissive.”

No. Wrong. Try again. 

Topping from the bottom is when a submissive uses manipulation to get what they want from their Dominant. It is a method of dishonesty and one I find appalling. 

But attempting to sit down with their Dominant and lay out needs, desires, fears, and concerns about the dynamic and what needs to change for their own mental/physical/emotional health as a person and as a submissive? That is not “topping from the bottom.” That is called being in a relationship. That is called being a human being who is exchanging their power and who deserves a great deal of care and keeping to make sure that this exchange does not turn into abuse. 

I am one to believe that emotional abuse happens in D/s relationships almost more than physical abuse. There doesn’t tend to be a safe word when emotional lines are crossed, when submissives are left feeling alone or silenced because “that’s how it works.” And maybe there should be. 

This is why I am a huge supporter of meta talks, of Dominants and submissives sitting down (as Sir and R, not just as T— and R—-) and working out questions, thoughts, and concerns in a non-scene but still D/s mentality. 

Dominants: your submissive is giving a massive part of themselves to you. You are opening doors that very few people, if any, ever get to open. You are witness to emotions, desires, feelings, and fears that may never have seen the light of day before you entered their lives. 

You cannot silence them because you are the boss. That turns you into an abuser, not a Dominant. That strips your authority and your footing away and shows you as an insecure manipulator using the power you have over this person to get your way despite what emotion wreckage is lingering under the surface. 

Submissives: your Dominant has to hear from you. They are not mind-readers. They are not psychic. You have to share your heart when they ask to hear it. If you are in a situation where you are terrified that you will lose the relationship or that they will react in physical or emotional anger or intimidation over your need to be heard? That is a red flag that cannot must not must never be ignored. 

Power exchanges require word exchanges. 

Power exchanges require emotional work. 

Power exchanges require talking, listening, communication, sharing, openness, and trust. 

Without those things? 

I’ve decided it’s time for a change of life direction. I discovered kink almost 5 years ago, through my erotic writing. I developed a persona that was closer to my personal truth than that which my friends and family saw and knew. I created a brand. I sold books. I made friends. I found the man who fills in my blanks. And I built a new family who will be with me for as long as they want to be.

It’s less about tumblr flagging my personal photos of horses and flowers explicit as it is about simplifying and embracing the next phase. I’m not sure what that is yet, but knowing me it will be something opposite to this…maybe something where I can go back to my real name and live my truth out in the open.

I’ve decided it’s time for a change of life direction. I discovered kink almost 5 years ago, through my erotic writing. I developed a persona that was closer to my personal truth than that which my friends and family saw and knew. I created a brand. I sold books. I made friends. I found the man who fills in my blanks. And I built a new family who will be with me for as long as they want to be.

It’s less about tumblr flagging my personal photos of horses and flowers explicit as it is about simplifying and embracing the next phase. I’m not sure what that is yet, but knowing me it will be something opposite to this…maybe something where I can go back to my real name and live my truth out in the open.

I’ve decided it’s time for a change of life direction. I discovered kink almost 5 years ago, through my erotic writing. I developed a persona that was closer to my personal truth than that which my friends and family saw and knew. I created a brand. I sold books. I made friends. I found the man who fills in my blanks. And I built a new family who will be with me for as long as they want to be.

It’s less about tumblr flagging my personal photos of horses and flowers explicit as it is about simplifying and embracing the next phase. I’m not sure what that is yet, but knowing me it will be something opposite to this…maybe something where I can go back to my real name and live my truth out in the open.