A mess of a goblin

One I have been going to a lot is mister rogers neighborhood? He just feels so comforting and safe, it makes me feel like I’m okay for a bit, and it’s a healthier way of coping then I’ve had. Some of my daydreaming has gotten better, not by much but at least I’m not doing it all the time now.

Oh! good news :) I’ve gotten back into roleplaying and writing in general, I have so much creative energy in me lately that honestly I need to put it somewhere and I love that I’m writing again, even on my bad days my first instinct is to write a vent fic about it. I may start physically journaling but I like posting on here quite a lot, mainly because I doubt anyone reads them, and a physical journal feels to unsafe with how nosy my family is.

I saw a tik-tok yesterday that said ‘Life isn’t about finding yourself, its about creating yourself’ and I think I’m going to paint that on my wall when I get the chance. To remind myself I’m not finding myself, I’m creating myself.

Anyway, he said some stuff then went “its you people that are the reason this shits happening” exact wording, looking only at me and pointing at me - there was so much frustration and anger in his voice and I remember tearing up a bit. My sister (who S is a step-father too) of course called him on his bullshit saying it was racist, no one damn person I’ve told this story to thinks he was either talking about me being Queer or about my race.

Now he pulled back real quick after Dez (my sister, I actually don’t mind if she ever find this blog) told him that it was racist - he went “no” then claimed after a bit of stumbling that he was talking about me being a ‘democrat’ (which i’m not - i don’t consider myself anything really). Now there were three others in that room, my mom and Dez, who also don’t like Trump... so why the fuck did he point and act like he was only speaking about me? 

I was so damn hurt, I got when my sister decided to go into the house to get another water. I’m so damn lucky to have her, she talked to me a bit and even message and called me to check up on me later in the night.

Despite the fact my grandmas isn’t the best place, I decided to just run there and watch some Jonathan Creek with her and calm down. I didn’t tell her what happened because whatever she doesn’t need to know and she wouldn’t side with me anyway because her precious baby boy is always right... there narcissist both of them, they hit every damn tick.

Anyway, at least I got out with friends today, we went up to one of the lake beaches close to here and swim around. I’m tired but it was pretty fun. Oh and I got back into roleplaying, I figured it gives me something to do outside of everything else, one more way to creatively stretch my wings, I want to get back on course to finding out who I am again though...

My grandpa (moms side) and my dad recently got in a big argument over politics and aren’t on speaking terms anymore. Both are to stubborn to apologize or admit it was a stupid thing to fight about. My mom and grandma (dad side) haven’t been on speaking terms since last year, grandma’s always been a two faced bitch though... she’s a narcissist and unlike me and her other family mom would not put up with that shit anymore - I shouldn’t put up with it either, most of my mental and emotional abuse comes from her, but she conditioned me to feel guilty whenever I actually tell her no and now I don’t know how to stop that.

Since I have some free time I might actually upload to my youtube channel again. I think I wanna do an audio/visual form of what I do on here - if I do I’ll post a link to the channel in one of my other posts.

I want to get into reading more, I always liked enjoying stories, but I can focus on a page for to long and audio book sometimes seem so too expensive. Especially since now I’m unemployed - however and 10 or 5 dollar paper back isn’t to hard, maybe I can train myself to focus on a page for longer then a few minutes.

A few days ago I made my closet into a little nook for myself to sit in. S (what i’ll be calling the man who raised me because I just don’t feel like he’s my dad anymore...) and my mom never physically abused me, though a took a lot of mental abuse from my dads side of the family and dad himself when I got older. We argued a lot when I was a teen and that normal for the most part but it really ruined the relationship because I never found a way to get close to him again. And since my coming out I doubt he’d really like to get to know me again any way. I’m fine with sitting in silence and watching tv together... my mom however I have a decent relationship with...

Anyway my nook, a little safe space only big enough to fit me (and my cat if she wishes to come in) I can sit in there and feel somewhat safe, wrap myself in blankets and watch whatever I want to on my phone or laptop, and just feel safe and think about things for a bit without fear of much. A little sanctuary - by the way I have an external hanger/closet for my cloths that works a lot better for me, if I see my cloths it forces me to keep thinking i should get dressed. Doesn’t always work, but its fine enough.

I’m going to hang up some posters in my nook, and probably watching some youtube after I get some cleaning done today.

And like also now I put to much of myself into stuff like the Myers Brigs test or my Hogwarts House, or other things like Aesthetics, and fandoms and stuff like that and none are really that unhealthy to do, but it makes me feel like I really don’t know who I am. Especially when people are like “People who put too much into their astrology sign are stupid” like... “I’m sorry Karen, I’m sorry that I had it kinda rough as a kid and now I don’t know who I am, and so I look to the stars to hopefully give me a small sign of who I could be, please leave me and my stars alone”

I want to figure out who I am - even if I don’t like it at least then I’ll know what to change about myself... I’ll know how to improve... but where do I start? Half time I feel like I’m and environment where I can’t even begin to find out cause I’m to busy making sure people don’t figure out that I’m this messed up.