a lot of rambling below the cut. i'm in a weird headspace right now so i guess be careful about reading it. unreality? would that be the word for it. probably. people would probably call it that.
my life has always just been a story to me
a lot of bad things have happened. and it doesn't bother me as much as it should, i don't think? it's a narrative. tragic things happen in narratives. it's important for character development. for a lot of this last year i've been feeling it. awful grief intense enough to make me wail. i felt real in it, though, in a way i don't often do
and now it's gone. or maybe it isn't. i don't know. i feel like i've made it all up. i've made all of this up. it's a thought i've always had through all of this. no matter how bad it gets it gets that bad because it makes a good story and because i want it to be that way. therefore it isn't bad at all.
i guess i've been thinking lately that this whole thing is just something i thought would make a good story. what would be interesting? what would further the narrative? it's all perception. if i believe something i can make it real, because believing something is the only thing that really matters in the scheme of things. my view of this world is the only view i'll ever see. if i'm convinced of something, then, it becomes pure fact.
(i wouldn't be surprised if other people were real. they probably are. they do a lot of things i cant predict and a lot of things i don't want them to. and it bothers me. but what they see can ultimately be disregarded. it's framing. what gets put in the camera shot. what gets left out of the narration.)
i've been thinking the reason i feel so awful is because i want to. because i think it's interesting. because i've always liked tragedies and i've always admired the troubled. it's all a choice. it's thoughts in my head, isn't it? i choose what i think. i control what i think and evidently i have chosen to think a lot of very terrible things. i think about doing awful things to people. things i don't want to write. and i wonder if it really is "intrusive thoughts" or if it's just what i'd do without consequence.
i want to make this something different. i want to believe that i can be something different. idk. i think it's just fake. i made this up to feel like i was something more than i was. i get little flickers of it. of the "rest of them". but it's just me and i can just stop. i can just make it stop. and i'm here and the world is passing me by and i see that it is only the way that it is because i have made it so.
that probably means i'm a bad person. i've criticized god for making the world bad. so i should make it good.
or maybe that'd just be ignoring other people. they have their own cameras. i want to make it better for them. i want them to have stories they're proud of. i just wish it was real. or maybe i don't. not sure.
