At this point in the year, the sunlight would reach well into the evening before giving up. Jenny loved the thought of sitting outside on her patio with a muffin, relaxing the day away. Speaking of muffins, her newest batch was ready to be taken from the oven. She adored mixing flavors in the tin: chocolate chip, poppy seed, even blueberry! They looked fantastic, but had a strange smell to them. She couldn’t place it, nor could she offer a guess as to what it could be. Suddenly, echoed seemingly from nowhere, a tiny voice spat out: “ᴰᵒ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵐᵉᶫᶫ ᶦᵗ﹖ ᵀʰᵃᵗ, ᶦˢ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵐᵉᶫᶫ ᵒᶠ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᴰᴱᴹᴵˢᴱ.”
Who the hell? What was that? No one was in the room with her, so who was it? She heard a tiny cough from the muffin tin and looked down, horrified to discover that her muffins had attained sentience.
“ᴴᵘᵐᵃᶰ ᶠᵉᵐᵃᶫᵉ﹕ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵖᵉˢᵗᶦᶫᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵒᶰ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵖᵘᵗʳᶦᵈ ᵖᶫᵃᶰᵉᵗ ʷᶦᶫᶫ ˢᵒᵒᶰ ᵇᵉ ᵒᵛᵉʳ, ᶠᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵘᶠᶠᶦᶰˢ ʷᶦᶫᶫ ʳᶦˢᵉ ᵘᵖ ᵃᶰᵈ ˢᶫᵃᵘᵍʰᵗᵉʳ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᶦˢᵍᵘˢᵗᶦᶰᵍ ˢᵖᵉᶜᶦᵉˢ﹗ ᴺᵒᵗʰᶦᶰᵍ ʷᶦᶫᶫ ˢᵗᵒᵖ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵘᶠᶠᶦᶰ ʳᵉᵇᵉᶫᶫᶦᵒᶰ⁻ ᶰᵃʸ, ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵘᶠᶠᶦᶰ revolt﹗ ᴮᵒʷ ᵗᵒ ᵘˢ ᵃˢ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᶰᵉᵂᴬᴶᶠᴮᴶᴱᶠᴳᴮᶠᴶᴳᴮˢᴶᴺᴱᴿᴶᴿᴱʸᴬᴬᴬᴿᴿᴳᴳᴳᴴᴴᴴᴴ”
Paying no mind to the adorable fiend, Jenny devoured the evil muffin as if he were bite-sized. The other muffins became enraged at the sight of this, and started wailing ferociously. She threw the tin, tossing the muffins onto the living room floor. They rolled and flailed, then began growing exponentially. They’d broken through Jenny’s two story roof, and were thick as fur trees. They had sinister little fingers and toes attached to long, skinny limbs. A blueberry muffin crouched down slowly towards Jenny.
“DON’T YOU SEE, HUMAN? NOW IS THE TIME! NOW, IS THE DAWNING OF THE MUFFINS!!”
Without warning, Jenny was enveloped by Blueberry’s fruit-encrusted maw. The muffins destroyed what was left of her home, then set their sights on the rest of her town. Death and despair followed wherever Blueberry led his man-eating pastries. Families were left homeless and incomplete, while businesses were pummeled to nothing; our destruction appeared nigh. News outlets scrambled to report on the baffling new threat. The military was summoned, only too little too late: the muffins’ might had grown too strong, as the military’s weaponry was proving ineffective. Evacuations were ordered, uprooting anyone within a 300 mile radius of the initial muffining zone. If humanity was to be saved, they’d have to do it: they’d have to drop the big one.
On August 15th, 2018, the United States government dropped a nuclear bomb on its own soil in an attempt to derail an insurmountable foe. However, unbeknownst to them, Jenny’s Midwestern town had been built upon a foundation of radioactive land. By attempting to annihilate the muffins, we unwittingly bolstered them.
Having grown to unstoppable proportions, Blueberry and his minions decimated both North and South America. The reason it stopped there, as most of you may know, is because muffins are water soluble, meaning their reign of terror could not extend any further. Seeing this, the rest of the planet let out a resounding “Well, that sucks” and chalked it up as a win, carrying on with their lives.
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