Story Time

A baby just avoided eye contact with me. A BABY. This will haunt me for years. Why is it that each time I read/hear about Trump and Clinton, people are almost always bad-mouthing them, yet they're doing well? What the hell? Bears. Why do they have to be so fierce. Why can't they be like dogs. Sure you'd need a bigger yard, you could train them to use the toilet, maybe even take to a football game as long as you disguised it as your friend Keith from Alaska. A version of Lord of the Rings in which all roles are played by Christopher Walken, except for one played by John Goodman. Writing a book is hard when your attention span could rival a rock's. One of the actresses in Adventureland is named Margarita. Sometimes I feel like my mind separates itself from itself. GUACAMOLE is fun to say. Say it. Have a giggle. M8. While driving a vehicle it is important that you don't wrestle a sheep. I cannot stress this enough.

Living in the sunlight, loving in the moonlight. HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME. time. time magazine. time pork chops. If Batman v Superman blows, I motion we bar Zack Snyder from directing any more films. I don't see why people say "my brain isn't working today" or things along those lines; you are your brain, your brain is you. Einhorn is Finkle, Finkle is Einhorn. FREAKING DOLPHINS MAN. They look so innocent, but turn your back on them... Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. Super Bowl 49 still hurts. I hate how quickly technology evolves. I just bought this damn iPod, what do you mean it's been rendered obsolete? I blame weather balloons. Hotrod is an American classic, god damn you if you say otherwise. If I were to go to, say, a death metal concert, I'd still probably just stand there because social anxiety is real. Space isn't real, I've never been to space, therefore it cannot exist. Just like Kentucky. If you're looking for new music, that doesn't make sense because you don't listen with your eyes (insert overused laugh track from Big Bang Theory). I believe in a thing called love. Just listen to the rhythm of my heart. There's a chance we could make it now. We'll be rocking 'til the sun goes down. I believe in a thing called love. Are you still reading? Why? Julianne Moore is the epitome of beauty. Closely followed by Reese's peanut butter cups. I give up on too many things before actual attempts are made. I think I'm going to stop rambling because I don't want people to think they finally understand me. Just call me angel of the morning, angel. Just touch my cheek before you leave me, baby. All the song lyrics within this post are the songs I've been listening to while typing this. Finkle is Einhorn.

I think Netflix asking "Are you still watching?" is more of a "hey get up and do stuff" than it is anything else. Shrimp is god damn expensive that upsets me. Is there a shortage? I knew this day would come. We took our shrimp for granted. All the dinner parties, super bowl parties, cocktail parties; in the end were they worth it? Why did bacon become so internet popular? Or sloths for that matter? So many Facebook friends yet I barely talk to three people, and not even consistently. The lack of care I have for things should alarm me but it doesn't. Everyday I access a service that gives me all the knowledge I could ever want, and I look at silly pictures. Dinosaurs. Birds. One used to be the others... In a land before time. I’m disappointed that laser eyes aren't a thing by now. It's 2016 why don't I have laser eyes? I'm even getting distracted from my rambling, Jesus.

CAROLINA. I've never been there nor I have met anyone with that name. There's a 'beautiful beach' joke in there somewhere I just know it. Gaaaatoraaade. Why are they called the Ape Caves? There aren't any apes up there. Unless they're hiding. Waiting. Plotting. Bending the bill of a hat upwards kind of negates the purpose of a hat, no? Now bending girders, that's where the real money is. If there's one NFL team mascot you should be afraid of, it's the dolphin. Those bastards are depraved little monsters. Which species will be the next to achieve intelligent cognitive ability? My bet's on the puffer fish. Who the fuck thought up bowling? Or ping pong? Or social interaction? Weirdoes man. If I can't pronounce the name I won't travel there. Why are bananas yellow? Because blue bananas would be weird. Case closed. Grating cheese is oddly satisfying. I'm gonna go do that.

It’s time to go. - What’s going to happen? We start over. - Start over… Life. Once you’ve let go of this one, we can start over. - My life? How does that work? You will still be you, and all others will still be themselves. With each new life you enter, you’re given the chance to choose differently. Of course, you’ll begin without hindsight, just as before, so you may live the same life, and you may not. Only one certainty remains, and that is our bond. I will always be with you, waiting patiently to escort you through this transition time after time. - So, I won’t remember this, or you? I’ll just restart my life, but it’ll be different? Correct. However, if you wish to cease this pattern you may. - What happens then? You dissolve and bind back into the universe, becoming immortal among the stars. - My life will always repeat, just in different versions of itself? Correct.

   At this point in the year, the sunlight would reach well into the evening before giving up. Jenny loved the thought of sitting outside on her patio with a muffin, relaxing the day away. Speaking of muffins, her newest batch was ready to be taken from the oven. She adored mixing flavors in the tin: chocolate chip, poppy seed, even blueberry! They looked fantastic, but had a strange smell to them. She couldn't place it, nor could she offer a guess as to what it could be. Suddenly, echoed seemingly from nowhere, a tiny voice spat out: “ᴰᵒ ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵐᵉᶫᶫ ᶦᵗ﹖ ᵀʰᵃᵗ, ᶦˢ ᵗʰᵉ ˢᵐᵉᶫᶫ ᵒᶠ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᴰᴱᴹᴵˢᴱ.”

   Who the hell? What was that? No one was in the room with her, so who was it? She heard a tiny cough from the muffin tin and looked down, horrified to discover that her muffins had attained sentience.

   “ᴴᵘᵐᵃᶰ ᶠᵉᵐᵃᶫᵉ﹕ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵖᵉˢᵗᶦᶫᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵒᶰ ᵗʰᶦˢ ᵖᵘᵗʳᶦᵈ ᵖᶫᵃᶰᵉᵗ ʷᶦᶫᶫ ˢᵒᵒᶰ ᵇᵉ ᵒᵛᵉʳ, ᶠᵒʳ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵘᶠᶠᶦᶰˢ ʷᶦᶫᶫ ʳᶦˢᵉ ᵘᵖ ᵃᶰᵈ ˢᶫᵃᵘᵍʰᵗᵉʳ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᶦˢᵍᵘˢᵗᶦᶰᵍ ˢᵖᵉᶜᶦᵉˢ﹗ ᴺᵒᵗʰᶦᶰᵍ ʷᶦᶫᶫ ˢᵗᵒᵖ ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵘᶠᶠᶦᶰ ʳᵉᵇᵉᶫᶫᶦᵒᶰ⁻ ᶰᵃʸ, ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᵘᶠᶠᶦᶰ revolt﹗ ᴮᵒʷ ᵗᵒ ᵘˢ ᵃˢ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᶰᵉᵂᴬᴶᶠᴮᴶᴱᶠᴳᴮᶠᴶᴳᴮˢᴶᴺᴱᴿᴶᴿᴱʸᴬᴬᴬᴿᴿᴳᴳᴳᴴᴴᴴᴴ”

   Paying no mind to the adorable fiend, Jenny devoured the evil muffin as if he were bite-sized. The other muffins became enraged at the sight of this, and started wailing ferociously. She threw the tin, tossing the muffins onto the living room floor. They rolled and flailed, then began growing exponentially. They’d broken through Jenny’s two story roof, and were thick as fur trees. They had sinister little fingers and toes attached to long, skinny limbs. A blueberry muffin crouched down slowly towards Jenny.

   “DON’T YOU SEE, HUMAN? NOW IS THE TIME! NOW, IS THE DAWNING OF THE MUFFINS!!”

   Without warning, Jenny was enveloped by Blueberry’s fruit-encrusted maw. The muffins destroyed what was left of her home, then set their sights on the rest of her town. Death and despair followed wherever Blueberry led his man-eating pastries. Families were left homeless and incomplete, while businesses were pummeled to nothing; our destruction appeared nigh. News outlets scrambled to report on the baffling new threat. The military was summoned, only too little too late: the muffins’ might had grown too strong, as the military’s weaponry was proving ineffective. Evacuations were ordered, uprooting anyone within a 300 mile radius of the initial muffining zone. If humanity was to be saved, they’d have to do it: they’d have to drop the big one.

   On August 15th, 2018, the United States government dropped a nuclear bomb on its own soil in an attempt to derail an insurmountable foe. However, unbeknownst to them, Jenny’s Midwestern town had been built upon a foundation of radioactive land. By attempting to annihilate the muffins, we unwittingly bolstered them. 

   In the morning he sat down before work to watch the news. Strange lights in the sky were the headline, accompanied by seemingly the most insane people the news crew could find. One man with a scruffy, unkempt beard and one nostril explained it as his prediction coming to fruition, that Greenland was finally invading. A woman with a giant bird-like wig talked about how she'd told her friend Mandy that the government was using toys in children's cereal to spy on the public. Matt thought it was just more propaganda to distract everyone from the real problems.

   When he got to work he noticed that his desk looked more suffocating than usual. Everything had become increasingly empty lately. Lunch came around fairly quickly, much to his dismay. "Great, I get to eat my amazing lunch consisting of the same old crap" he thought. Jim from accounting asked him if he'd eaten the turnip he'd left out on the counter. Matt shook is head 'no', to which Jim responded by letting out an inconvenienced grunt and walking away.

   Snow had been beating down for hours, piling up to a decent sum. He concluded that it’d be a while before anyone could leave, considering there was at least four feet of snow, and none of his family members exceeded three. Sheebles decided he’d tell the grandchildren of his explorations as a Chief Sleigh Assistant alongside the one and only Santa Claus.

   ”Back when I were a youngin’, few years older than yerselves, I were a humble little worker in the shop. Schlep Jingleswitch were my best friend in that shop and we always made the best toys. One day in November, inspections came ‘round, and we was informed that the highest scoring elf would get promoted to a much more lucrative position. Schlep an’ I knew it would come down to us. Wouldn’t ya know it, little ol’ me was the highest scorer. Next thing I know, I’m in the fat man’s office, waitin’ on my new assignment. ‘Round the time that ol’ butter stain of a man walked in, I ‘bout cried from the stench. Lord above, the man smelled like acid-soaked jeans riddled with stink bugs that’d been coated in candy cane sugar and dipped in donkey ass. His eyes were glazed over with what were probably doughnut glaze. His nose, dear Rudolph ‘is nose, it had some sort of twitch like he’d done a line of powdered sugar before walking in. His suit were the classic red, but with other shades of red, possibly jelly or his blood. Or someone else’s. He opened his maw to speak and subsequently filled the air with the smell of diabetic cavities. Jesus anal-dwelling Christ I nearly fell over backwards. He asked how my day were and I threw little mint candies at him. I emptied the bowl, aiming for his monstrous canyon of a mouth. Cries of confused buffalo gibberish echoed from his gaping chops, fear overtaking my little elf spine. ‘What have I done?’ I thought and ran out of the office. Racing for the shop’s exit doors, I could hear the loud stomping of Jolly ol’ St. Nick struggling to run down the hall after me. Elves were flying, tiny screeches of sheer terror enveloped the tiny toy shop as Santa devoured poor Meekle in one ferocious bite. Meekle! Meekle you poor son of a biscuit fucking bulldog, I never meant for that. Meekle! MEEKLE!…”

   So there I am, in the mini mart the other day, trying to decide which Mountain Dew I want. I only have enough money for one, and this is some serious shit. I'm in there staring at my precious, and this guy walks up, and not a young looking guy, but not old either (I'll call him, yould), and he's looking into the cooler next to me. It's quiet momentarily, until, "is it hot in here, or is it just me?" he asks. Okay, nothing weird about this little conversation. "I think it's just you" because honestly it was freezing Frosty's balls in there. How he could be hot I had no earthly clue. Maybe he wore a heavy shirt, I don't know. Another brief moment of silence. Then.... "Thanks cutie."

   Burt was an average man, earning and creating an average yet still respectable living for his family. Getting into his golden years with his wife, Jemyma, Burt decided it was time to get fuckin' wild. He packed his bags. grabbed Jemyma, and set sail for adventure in his Subaru Outback. The dawn was upon them; it was finally time to become adult film stars! They aimed their sights on Michigan because the only adult film Burt had watched was based there, so he assumed that was the place to go.

   Light years away, there exists a planet named Forgetmenot, which is inhabited solely by highly-evolved elephants. A young elephant named Ellie Fant dreamed of traversing the stars and finding life among them. Everyone said she was crazy and foolish to think of such a thing. They would say horribly discouraging things like, "Ellie, it's a stupid idea, just give up" or "Ellie, you're a fucking elephant, you don't think about that kind of stuff." Ellie pressed on, and when technology had finally reached the capability to allow space travel, she knew her time had come. She became the first ever elenaut aboard the shuttle ceremoniously dubbed Trumpet. She trekked throughout the stars for a decade, relying on dehydrated food for sustenance and floating vomit for entertainment. One day her radar picked up a planet with signs of life, and she prepared herself for contact. The creatures were small in stature yet large in number. She estimated there were 46 of them. A thought occurred to her while standing before them.

   "I could demolish every single one of these mother fuckers."

   The past winter had been surprisingly dull compared to recent history. Not much snowfall, which seemed odd to him. It made him feel uneasy for some reason. Johnny had been feeling 'off' lately, as he put it. He figured he just needed something different in his routine. 

   Johnny went to Target to look for something new that might catch his eye. He didn't care if it was electronic, clothing, or whatever else, if it caught his attention, he was going to buy it. He wandered for a good half hour before arriving at the men's clothing department, where he saw the most enchanting pair of socks he'd ever laid eyes on. They were magnificent, elegant, a treasure to behold: purple with polka dots in a lighter shade of purple all over them. $10. "Fuck yes", he said aloud with a slight moan. Johnny bought his new found precious, and hurried home to put them on.

   "Wow these suck" he thought. He took them off and threw them on the dresser and ordered pizza. Garlic chicken and bacon. Three hours later, after eating the entire pizza in less than one hour, and groaning in the bathroom the next two, he returned to his room.

   "Funny, I could have sworn I threw both socks on the dresser."

   Not a story but still kind of a story

   When I first talked to her, I was a little caught of guard. She was weird, but not an off-putting type of weird. Refreshing, intriguing, slightly confusing; I didn't think people like her existed. We talked off and on for a couple months, then just kind of stopped.I didn't think much of it because she was an internet person.

   Last year we randomly started talking again. Forgot how weird she was, but in all honesty that was what drew me to her. It occurred to me that I'd missed it. It was nice to be connecting with someone new (even though she wasn't new entirely). It was nice to be connecting with someone in general. We had such wonderful conversations; some of the most genuine, emotionally true conversations I've ever had with another human. She quickly became my best friend, because she'd become so intertwined in my life and my routine. She was a staple of my everyday goings on. She makes everything so simple and easy it's almost annoying I couldn't see it that way before. I'm a better person for knowing her, and I thank random chance for placing us in the necessary positions to meet.

   I finished pooping an hour ago, yet I'm still in the bathroom. I have no desire to leave, and I'm pretty sure my family is worried. "Maybe he pooped himself into a coma?" they're thinking. This reminds me of the time I was in 2nd grade and had to launch a chocolate baby during that time of the day when they would force us to stare at books for some reason.

Here's one

   Back a while, say sophomore year, I was invited to a rather classy New Year's eve get together. Only the finest wines, cheeses and booty-shakin' hoes were being served (both as morsels, as well as on the dance floor). The air was heavy with polite conversation and respect.    Okay none of that was true, this party was a train wreck. The friend that was hosting it, we'll call him Dionysus, decided maybe a week prior to said party that it was even happening. He'd gathered alcohol, maryjewanna, people, the works. I knew about four (3 1/4 to be precise) people, so I tried to keep to myself. Since I wasn't engaging anyone, I felt very awkward. such an awkward feeling, that it can only be accurately depicted in the gif below

   Dionysus' girlfriend, we'll call her Lady D, was there and she'd brought her friend, whom we'll call Holyshitgoaway. Holyshitgoaway wasted no time downing any beer she could grab. Ominous? Yes.

Here's a story I wrote because someone said to me, "Hey, write a story about a cow!" and I said okay.

    Randy was a quiet cow. He mostly kept to himself, grazing and mooing around the field as scarcely as possible so as not to become a nuisance. Randy didn't have many friends, his only one a schizophrenic rooster named Joey. He didn't care that much about his dilemma because once his dreams came true, he and Joey would be on top. One day, Randy would become a famous DJ, headlining all the best clubs with all the young calves fighting over the right to get near his junk. One day.

   It was a rather breezy day when Randy was prematurely awakened by one of Joey's psychotic arguments with himself. Randy decided he'd just stay up at this point. It was still dark outside, but that just meant more grass, beeotch. Aside from a slight wind howl and Joey rambling on about alien conspiracies and tainted chicken feed, it was silent on the farm. Seemingly coming from the ass of heaven itself, a light cascaded down on Randy, paralyzing him where he stood. Caught off guard and scared completely out of his cow brain, Randy ascended towards the sky. So caught off guard, in fact, that cow pie filled the sky, raining down on his beloved field. Joey had come running because "SHINY BIG LIGHT GON' GET RANDY" and was covered in seconds. He appeared indifferent to the weather.