Live.Laugh.Love. >:)

“I asked the universe to bring you back to me and it never did. There were times when I asked for you every day. When I shouted your name into the void and no one answered. “Man, she’s pathetic,” the universe must have thought, but I was completely unaware. I was so torn apart by grief, I didn’t think missing you would ever stop. It was like a road with no beginning and no end, and I was driving at breakneck speed, not caring for the roadblocks. I looked for you everywhere - in notes I’d penned down with shaking hands, in photographs I’d taken, in between the lines of your favourite song. I searched for you in conversations, gestures and memories. When there was nothing left for me to do, I went to the places you used to go to. I’d avoided them before, convinced nostalgia would rip me to shreds, and it did. I cried into the cup of cappuccino I bought at your favourite café and came close to having a mental breakdown at the cinema we used to meet at. I didn’t find you there. You went away and left nothing behind. Nothing I could keep, anyway. I never asked for it, but one day I heard your name brought up in a conversation. It felt like something I’d dreamed up, something light and warm, until I convinced myself it was nothing and the feeling faded. But it happened again. And again. And I heard your laughter in someone else’s voice. I felt your touch in someone’s kindness. I felt your caress on the wind and your kiss in the sun. And I think that maybe, just maybe, I’d asked the universe to send me little signs of you - and it listened. Maybe it’d been listening all along, I just never paid attention because I thought if I couldn’t have you back on my terms, I didn’t want you at all. It took me a while to realise it wasn’t like this at all. That maybe missing you did not have to feel like shouting into the void. That it could also feel like slowly bridging a gap. I thank the universe for the little signs it sends to me and I’ll take everything I get as long as it makes me feel close to you.”

“Everyone needs at least one friend who understands what we do not say.”

I tried giving up a lot of times.

“Please remind me who I used to be around you. So much time has passed that I barely remember. Am I the same? Am I different? Did our parting ways change me? We used to hold hands and pour our hearts out to each other, I like to think. I’m not too sure. I recall crying with you and laughing with you, but feelings are a hazy thing these days and I can’t really get ahold of them. We shared stories and secrets and when we grew up to walk taller and with a swing to our step, we exchanged lipstick and glasses of red wine and laughter that smelled of liquor and half-truths. I haven’t seen you around in a while. I don’t know what happened that made me think of you again. Maybe it was the soft voice I heard behind me that could’ve been yours or it was that old song that was played on the radio last week, the one we used to sing along to. Maybe it was something as ordinary as the rain and the leaves falling down. I don’t know why rain and dead leaves remind me of you, they just do. It’s just what autumn does - it stirs up old memories and lets them fester right below the surface until they eventually form cracks in our skin. These days, I’m counting more and more of those cracks. I can’t quite remember why we stopped talking, it might‘ve been something stupid for all I know. I’m not sure I could fix things, but some images and fragments of you still hovering at the back of my mind tell me you’re the forgiving kind. We were always too close to let anything get under our skin. So why was this line drawn between us? Who put it there? And if I can’t remember what happened, how come it was bad enough to tear us apart? When someone mentions you and asks me what you’ve been up to, I don’t want to admit I have no idea. I don’t want to admit I didn’t pay attention because I was too busy figuring out who I was without you. Sometimes I wish you came back for a day just so I could find out if it would change me. If you really were that bad for me I guess I’d at least remember why.”

“Have a little bit of faith in yourself and let that be your most beautiful quality. Take in a little more of softness in your day to day tasks and allow your inner stillness to guide you into peaceful efficiency.”

“Even now, as broken as you may feel, you are still so strong. There’s something to be said for how you hold yourself together, and keep moving … Don’t stop … Keep going.”