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That’s is my situation now. My unintentional action may have hurt the most important person in my life. But I can’t make it right. I can’t turn his view around. I speak or try to, but my words fall like feathers in a storm, light, fragile, torn apart before they land. The only words I could utter is ‘’You are wrong about me’’. I repeat it so many times, like it can change anything.

You stand there, holding a version of me I do not recognize. My truth is being painted on by you. I didn’t choose the colors. No matter how hard I stretch my hands, I still couldn’t touch the picture you painted.

My mum once told me never to accept something that isn’t yours. But would it be easier if I just play by your rules? Would it be easier if I just accept the version of me in your heart? Would it be easier if I just play along with your instincts?

It feels like I’m being told to swallow the storm in my chest, but it’s too heavy.

Should I just lock up this book and let you pass it by everyday? It’s heavy with unsaid things.

The truth is that you read me wrong. So wrong that I wish I would just die that see and feel the way you think of me. I’m even beginning to doubt my own reflection. I’m beginning to question the shape of my own truth. It’s the cruelest part.

I don’t feel like I have anyone. Your voice is loud and it’s swallowing mine. I can’t breathe.

Spent my night out in the cold that it made me sick.

Came back around 4am, checked my phone, no show. Everything sits heavy tonight. Rain hovering around my lungs. My breath sounding like something I borrowed. 3 times I panicked. 3times I thought this was it. I wish that was it. My house has furnitures in them but they still echo. Are they good empty words? Are they your empty promises?

Hurt blooms quietly. Not Loud. Not violent. I’m not there yet. I don’t want to kill my self yet because what if you come back? I didn’t choose this ocean of sadness but here I am anyway. Here I am learning the language of drowning without ever touching the shore.

You said forever like it was something you owned. You said it like time would bend to your voice. Like my heart could be a place you could sit comfortably without consequence. But this forever just got snapped in silence that is louder than goodbye. Did I pull it too tight? Was I always this horrible? Are there parts of me that are evil which I am failing to recognize?

Speak to me please. Everything feels too much. Everything hurts. I am in so much pain. The quiet hurts. The noise hurts. Tears aren’t flowing anymore. And right now, I…

I’m just here to say that I wish I can just be erased. I lost the love of my life today. I’ve had panic attack twice and it’s been less than 4hours. I trigger him. I thought I make him better.

In my wildest dream, I never thought we would get to this point. When I go out, I tell people I am married. lol.

How long does depression last? But he will always do no wrong in my eyes. He will be remembered for years to come. My sweet baby. My kind baby. I don’t even wanna move on. I know we can be happy together. We always promise to hold unto each other and find our way back to each other. I wanna put him in my pocket. Maybe just leave everything behind and run away with him. But I know it’s not possible. He has responsibilities. I told him he can move on and have sex. He said he will try. I didn’t even know when tears rolled down my cheeks…it’s crazy because I have no right to tell him what to do anymore and he owes me no loyalty. His actions are justified.