OH MY GOD.
“I was 14, I didn’t know what I was doing.”
whaT THE FUCK
This story has no goddamn brakes
(transcript because I couldn’t find one in the notes)
Stephen Colbert: A lot of writers say they were nerdy kids, unpopular, like outcasts, or that sort of thing; was that your experience growing up?
BJ Novak: I think that’s exaggerated, I think a lot of people love to say, ‘oh I was such a nerd’ or ‘I was such a rebel, I sat in the back of the bus’. Most people sat in the middle of the bus. That’s how buses work. So, you know, people say-
Colbert: So you were sitting in the middle?
Novak: Yeah, that’s where I sat! I mean, I did my homework and y'know, dreamed of being a bit of a rebel. I did a very nerdy version of rebellion, which I guess is sort of my way of balancing where I sat on the bus. When I was 14, I got it in my head that I wanted a fake ID. and I committed what- the only term for it is ‘identity theft’, to get this fake ID. So this is the kind of nerd- I’ve never told this story before, this is pretty much the nerdiest way you can be like, ‘a bad kid’. I went to the Newton library where I grew up, and I went through their polling records… buckle in.
Colbert: I think you’ve already - just that sentence has violated a federal law, but go ahead.
Novak: Yeah, there’s a handful of these, and I actually tried to google the statute of limitations on this before the show and couldn’t get the WiFi.
Colbert: Okay.
Novak: So I looked up -this is true- I looked up someone that was 21 years old, through their polling records.
Colbert: And you’re 14.
Novak: I was 14 years old, I looked up someone who was 21 who had my same first name and initial, because I thought, “if I get drunk” -I had never been drunk. I was like, “if I forget my name, I can’t get busted”. So I found someone who was “Benjamin J. [something]”. So I found this guy’s name and I thought, “if I can just forge all his documents, I can go to the DMV and say I lost my license and they’ll give me a new license with his picture”, this is my plan. So first I need to know where he’s born so I can get his birth certificate, so I call his house. I ask for him, I don’t know what i would have done, I get his brother and I say “I work with Ben, we’re doing a crossword puzzle based on his life for his birthday. Can you tell me what town he was born in?’. So he told me and I took the subway there and I got his birth certificate.
Colbert: How- You went to the- You went to like the county clerk and said-
Novak: They didn’t ask for ID, they just gave me his birth certificate. Then I opened up a mailbox in his name and wrote- I was 14, I didn’t know what i was doing- I wrote to the IRS.
Colbert: Uh-huh…
Novak: And I filled out tax forms in his name. And then I went to the DMV and said “I lost my wallet and I need to-this is all i have”. And i looked 14 years old, but I had these documents, so they sent me to the backroom with this woman who sized me up and said “I can’t give you this, you don’t even have a picture”, and then said with a wry smile on her face, “Open your wallet right now.” and like a true method actor, the only thing I had in my wallet was a library card I had signed in his name. And she approved it, and for the rest of high school I had this actual driver’s license, with my picture on it. [audience cheering] Novak: I’m glad we have some support. You have a look on your face- I don’t know if that was funny or if you just broke the law…
Colbert: It was fantastic, I just hope you have a good lawyer.
“I was 14, I didn’t know what I was doing” said of a caper pulled off with a calculated, methodical demeanor that would make Hannibal Lecter blush
