Learning to cope with my rejection sensitivity literally saved my life and my marriage. Taking it out on others perpetuates a cycle of dysfunction because they don't deserve it any more than you did. It was vital that I learned that transferring my pain just added more pain for everyone involved. I never got the result I was looking for—acceptance—by reacting strongly to perceived rejection. I got the result I wanted and needed by taking a minute and a few breaths and saying, "Hey, when you said X, I interpreted that as Y. Could you clarify what you meant?" Most people are not triggering your rejection sensitivity on purpose. They don't have any way to know what is specifically triggering to you, even if they know you well. The thing about rejection sensitivity is that your mind has learned to see rejection in ambiguity, but that's usually not what people actually meant.
Give people a chance to prove your past experience wrong, and set them up for success by doing the work to dismantle your reactions to ambiguity. Seek clarification when an ambiguous statement lands like rejection. Set boundaries if someone casually jokes about rejection—for example, if your partner/spouse jokes about breaking up or divorcing over small things, you might sit down and explain how that is upsetting and you would like them to stop making that joke. You can be fair to yourself and your previous experiences, and also be fair to the people in your life now and your future experiences.
You have to be the change you wish to see in your life.
I know rejection fucking hurts. My rejection sensitivity was primarily set by my parents, who themselves were very rejection sensitive and took it out on me. They were hurting, but they never figured out how to ask for the validation they needed, how to seek reassurance in fair and appropriate ways, how to question their perception and interpretation of my words and actions. I have been on the receiving end of someone's rejection sensitivity, and it's not fair and it fucking sucks.
So when my spouse brought it to me that I was doing the same thing, it took a while for me to figure out what was going wrong. I did some soul-searching. I listened. I talked to my therapist. I figured out that in ambiguous or uncertain situations, I was projecting my fears onto them. It wasn't fair. They did nothing to deserve that.
So I asked myself how I could be fair to both of us. My solution was simple: I changed my phrasing. Instead of accusations, I made value-neutral statements: "You're going to leave!" became "I'm scared that you might leave. Would you clarify, is that your intention?" I get a direct response and it allows space for reassurance, which is what I really want in that situation. I wasn't safe at previous times in my life. I need to know I'm safe now.
It's hard at first! It feels clumsy and vulnerable. My anxiety increased significantly the first few times I tried this, but it got the results I wanted. Situations that would have escalated into fights, and triggered my rejection sensitivity much more, became conversations where I ended up getting way more reassurance than expected because my spouse explained what they really meant and I was able to see their perspective and truly know they didn't mean to communicate rejection. I just got scared because it was ambiguous and my brain jumped to the worst possible conclusion.
That's value-neutral, to feel scared based on past experience. We learn to see the dangers we've faced in the past. How you feel isn't always in your control. What you do is. You are not helpless to your emotions. You can manage your emotions, and to form healthy relationships and heal the wounds of your past, it is imperative that you do so. You have to separate how you feel from how you act. Focus on the results. Are your actions having the results you want? If not, how can you get the results you want? How can you communicate your pain and fear in a way that is fair to everyone?
Managing your emotions doesn't invalidate them. It just means you're not beholden to react to them. Many of us were not taught emotional regulation when we were young, and our parents never learned it. But you can still learn, and you will be happier and more satisfied with your relationships and interactions when you do.
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