✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:* RANDOM! ✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

i think of this daily

SHUT THE FUCK UP OH MY GOD I NEEDED THIS

we talk a lot about how much of a revelation andrew’s confession is for neil, and not enough about how revelatory neil’s reaction is for andrew. because like. imagine you like this boy. but he doesn’t swing. you know the answer would be “no,” so there’s no point in even asking. then he goes and gets himself needlessly tortured for you, and tells you there’s no amount of suffering he wouldn’t endure for you. not because he thinks you’re weak, but because he thinks you’re worth protecting. he says things that you would interpret as advances if it were literally anyone else. you remind yourself that he doesn’t swing. now you’re at eden’s and he’s asking about your feelings for him in 12 different ways. he really wants to know. so you tell him, in the most casual and crass way you can, thinking that’ll put an end to it. but unfathomably, it doesn’t. he asks you why you didn’t tell him. why would you have? it would have been a “no.” you say that, and instead of confirming it, he just echoes your words, clearly still reeling. you start to leave, and he tells you that he wants to keep playing your game. while the absence of a “no” is obviously not the same thing as a “yes,” you’ve been operating for months and months under the assumption that the answer would be unequivocal. so you keep waiting for that answer, but it never comes. for the first time since you met him, you wonder if maybe it’s not a “no” after all. if maybe you could have this. you can’t remember the last time you were able to have something you wanted. the world tilting on its axis, indeed.

i have this theory that jean's big cathartic moment at the end of tgr when he breaks down and admits he didn't deserve the sexual abuse he experienced is actually preceded by a more subtle version of this moment, one made possible by the fact that it involves the only other person who can understand what he's been through. when andrew realizes that neil could have been similarly abused at evermore, he asks jean to confirm or deny it. jean tells him that it would not have been an appropriate punishment for neil, and andrew, clearly shaken and unimpressed with this answer, presses the issue, asking what circumstances would have made it appropriate. it is jean's response to this that i find most revealing: he says, "you of all people should not have to ask." yes, this is a pointed reference to andrew's own experiences with sexual abuse, but what is jean actually saying? i think he's saying, "you of all people should know there is nothing that could possibly justify it. of course there isn't. but your abusers will tell you there is, and you'll believe them because how else can you make sense of what is happening to you." after he says this, jean digs a thumb into andrew's wrist and drags it up his forearm, where he knows from riko that andrew has self-harm scars. this is him driving home the point, saying "you've had to do things to survive too." because that's what jean's deep-seated conviction of "deserving it" is— a survival mechanism. and at the end of tgr, he finally feels safe enough to let it go.

im starting to reread aftg because i miss andreil so much

“I’m an astronaut, you’re the moon; I stare at you,” except it’s medicated! Andrew being so impossibly enamored w Neil for months on end

Leviticus really said yes life will be harder because I choose to be with you but I choose to be with you despite it all

Loved that the film lets love and fear exist together, without easy resolution.

I think I'm perfectly sane but then i cross paths with an aftg quote and lose it over foxes again 🤷