My body is a machine that turns story ideas into nothing

as my final act of love, I will swallow every "please stay" and turn it into silence so you don't feel trapped by my ache

i love that discord doesn't tell you if someone's read your messages. like genuinely. normalize others not needing every second of your time right away. normalize taking time to formulate a proper answer. normalize this.

not saw related but i do have to hand it to whoever made the banana splits movie for saying, “most people don’t really care about this niche kids property anymore, let’s go wild and do a bloody horror movie with them and see if that’s anything.” we need to do that with more stuff. when will i get my horror adaptation of barney.

was midway through a text rant to my friends about how i could make the most 6/10 ass stereotypical mascot horror barney movie about a serial killer that is a traumatized former child actor on barney who hijacks the suit and takes the live audience hostage and makes the audience play evil versions of the barney games (i don’t actually remember any of them) to liberate the kids from their parents and teach the main character about standing up to her dad or something when i realized i’m just doing death game horror again. all roads lead back to saw i guess.

the name would be something like “barney loves you” and the tagline would be “no more purple dinosaur” and the trailer would have the i hate you you hate me let’s get together and kill barney song! i could literally do it with a sound stage seven actors and five gallons of fake blood! it would be so easy! fuck!!!

don’t get it twisted. this would not be a good movie. it would not be intended to be a good movie. it would be intended to be a movie you watch on tubi while you’re drunk.

I actually would love to write a horror movie set in a dead mall or an abandoned beach resort, just because I find spaces that were designed to sell you something and that were abandoned once people stopped buying very interesting. In some ways I feel like that’s at the heart of mascot horror, too– after the grinding wheels of capitalism have moved onto the next shiny thing, what happens to a place?

Okay but after seeing this I started doing it too and it’s amazing how many men I’ve run into bc they expected me to move

Gotta try it

I work (and walk) on a college campus. I’ve lost count of how many men I’ve smacked shoulders with.

Honestly this post changed how I carry myself when walking alone in public, or in a situation where I’m the one leading. People definitely move for the murder gaze.

WALK LIKE YOU’VE BEEN SENT TO MURDER CAPTAIN AMERICA

It’s called the Murder Strut.

IT’S BACK!!!!!! I was searching for this to show my daughter the other day and couldn’t find it. I’m so glad IT’S BACK!! I will always reblog the Murder Strut!!

A guy on a bike went around me because he could tell I had no intention of moving. Thanks to this post.

I had never seen these updates to the Patriarchy Chicken Game before and they are all a goddam DELIGHT

Patriarchy Chicken and The Murder Strut, dance names for the new millenium. 

Genuinely, thank you so much for this.

Listen to me. There is love and safety possible for you. There is still time.

at some point in your life you will be boiling fruit, water, sugar, and lemon juice in a pot to make a syrup or jam. the instructions will tell you to simmer for a certain amt of time. your timer will go off and you will look at the pot and go, "hm, this doesn't look thick enough. maybe i'll let it go for another 10 minutes." this is the devil speaking. it's only so liquid right now because it is at boiling point. it will thicken when it cools down. learn from the follies of my youth and do not let this happen to you

at some point in your life you will be making a sauce or a stew in which you need to add cornstarch to thicken it. and you will prepare a slurry of starch in cold water and think "this looks like way too little starch to thicken this amount of liquid." this is the devil speaking. cornstarch instantly polymerizes at 95°C and if you add too much it will turn into an impossibly thick goop.

at some point in your life you will be making some sort of cream based dessert that requires gelatin to thicken it. and you will soak some gelatin sheets in water and think "this is too few gelatin sheets for this amount of cream." this is the devil speaking. it will thicken in the fridge and if you add too much you will end up with milk jelly

at some point in your life you will be baking cookies. you will take the sheet out after twelve minutes as the recipe instructs and the cookies will still be glistening and soft. "these don't seem cooked enough," you will think to yourself, "i should place them back into the oven until their edges are nice and golden." this is the devil talking. this is how you get dry, overdone cookies. the cookies will continue to bake on the warm sheet for several more minutes and then harden up after sitting on a rack for a while. trust the process. trust the process.

at some point in your life you will be adding a small pasta to a soup and you will think "that is not enough small pasta." this is the devil talking. the pasta will absorb the stock and expand. this is how you end up with a soup that is a solid mass of soggy ditalini.

At some point in your life you will be adding garlic to a dish and you will think "that is not enough garlic." These are angels speaking. They are correct. Add more garlic.

[girl in a low cut top voice] i just dont know what it is but everyone is being sooo nice to me today….[grows grave and guarded] they’re conspiring against my reign and they think me a fool