All of the things I've thought but never said.

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they say "hey borderline bitch, realize the world is more gray and not black and white and you will be happier."

i recognize that...but we live in such a black and white world. full of cancel culture and "good people" vs. "bad people." where a lot of the "good people" who do things to help others, they usually don't like me. and i've gotten labelled as a "bad person" way more than once.

every once in a while, i'll even get a "the world would be so much better without you" or "my life is going to be so much beautiful without you in it," or just some general blaming me for random problems. (and keep in mind, they give me no context of what behavior of mine i gotta edit, so idk what to do wit their input.)

and i absolutely agree. i am probably massive poison to this world. people all the time are implying that i'm a burden (and idk why). i was taught to hate myself, and i believe if i let go of that self-hatred i'll become narcissitic or some shit. i'm not allowed to do stuff selfishly...my sole goal is to help others or i'm wasting the world's resources.

several times over the last many weeks i've debated a disappearance. cut contact with everyone, go out west with only a backpack, live out on the streets, never come back. wait to die or something idk. but death and running away forever could be the same thing (as in never seeing the person who died/ran away again), but...

i wish i could just fucking drop dead already sometimes. but if i were to make it happen myself, i wouldn't succeed. i would handicap myself, land myself in the hospital, be under surveillance, lose freedom, lose my fav meds...

plus everyone would change my narrative after i die. i'm already being gaslit nearly every single fucking day of my life. everyone has their own assumption of how my life is going. but do any of them really know? no... so no one will know the TRUTH that led to my demise. they would lie like "oh she was such a great person" when they all hated me, and would try to pull random irrelevant reasons from their asses.

and don't give me the "people need me" bullshit. i hate that so much. no one "needs" me. if it's a safety/wellness need (like for a child or dog), someone else can provide it. if it's a fucking adult who's being a lil bitch and "needs" me cause they're overly attached, well that's an adult with an unhealthy emotional reliance and codependence with me. it's not cute, it's suffocating. (i'd rather be "wanted", yknow?)

but good news for any of you awaiting my death: several years ago something divine came to me and gave me this random insight that i'm probably gonna drop dead before i'm 30. and hell, i believe it. i could totally see someone murdering my ass within the next few years or me dropping dead of disease cause doctors never take my symptoms seriously.