A Volcanic Winter

It's a weird time in my life, to be old and tired. To be without parents. To realize I don't remember how to be loved (and did i ever really know how?). To understand that I haven't been hugged or touched with affection in...... so many years.

My last ex was always too chaotic or drunk to truly be affectionate. I think he saw me as a fantasy and I'd like to be seen as myself. But the affection was non existent from him.

I barely remember what it's like to have friends who love you deeply. So deeply. I still have a few but there's drift, probably me. I don't talk to them deeply anymore. I stopped doing that somewhere along the way.

god, I'm just so fucking tired. When am I not tired? I've seen both my parents pass away to terrible things. I don't want the future that's always been packed up and waiting for me. Make it stop, god.