nenner benner

The clock strikes 1 and I am haunted by the ghosts of past friendships and relationships. Haunted by What Ifs and Could Have Beens that are nothing more than simple imagination.

The clock strikes 2 and the ghosts of the past fade away, one by one getting replaced by the ghosts of the present. Of friendships I feel crumbling. Of people I fail on a daily basis. Do I try too hard? Do I try too little? How many decisions are lurking around the corner? How many goodbyes should I be saying and opting not to out of cowardice? out of wanting to be there for people? out of a constant need to give and give and give until there's nothing left to give?

By the time the clock strikes 2, I have made up my mind of walking away. Of leaving everything behind because why should I be the one to give and give and give yet never receive? I am not that strong.

Then the clock strikes 3 and all those decisions fly out of the window again. I opt to stay, I am nothing if not selfless. Even if I know pieces of me will be chipped away until there's nothing left.

The next night, the process repeats, the nagging voice in the back of my mind yelling "you aren't worth it. you aren't good enough" getting louder. It gets drowned out by another cigarette.

Night after night, the same process, the same dreamless nights until I give up. I give up trying. I give up putting in effort. I couldn't save the people from my past, I couldn't be what they needed, what they wanted. And the people in my present and future will suffer the same fate.

Because I am not enough. I will never be enough.

I have accepted that.