Hey there, I'm Arthur and this is a side blog to talk about my experience with ASPD (although I sometimes post about my NPD as well) and other random stuff related to it.

I also have other disorders, but I don't think those are particularly relevant here on their own. I might mention them if needed.

Everything I share here is about the way ASPD presents for me — which is in turn affected by my other comorbid disorders — so not all of my posts will apply to every antisocial.

I'm not looking for pity. If I share anything related to my trauma and other bad things that have happened to me, it's for the sake of education or to give context to my posts.

Feel free to ask me just about anything, I like talking about myself a little too much for my own good. And keep in mind that this is a side blog and I cannot follow back from here.

In all honesty? I listen to a little bit of everything. Which I know is the most cliche answer ever, but I assure you my taste is all over the place.

It's hilarious because a lot of people have admitted to thinking I would only listen to "edgy" music because of my ASPD, which I personally think is dumb as fuck and kinda funny. I do listen to edgy music too, I was emo for a good part of my teenage years (lol), but I'm absolutely not limited to that.

Matter of fact, I actually quite like musicals. I assume this is influenced by my NPD, but being on stage, singing, acting, etc has always been one of my unrealistic fantasies. Musicals cover a lot of that, so I find them enjoyable.

It gets me thinking about how people actually feel things. Which is obvious, I'm not stupid; it's just not my reality. I fake so many emotions that I don't have or barely experience, but people literally deal with most of the things that they express. It's insane.

You actually feel happiness when you say you're happy? You actually feel excitement when you say you're excited? How do you feel so many things? It's just so hard to wrap my head around.

I'm sure you all know where this is going. I'm not his psychiatrist, but I can see so much of myself in him and I wouldn't be surprised whatsoever if he was diagnosed with ASPD some day.

I don't really care and I don't have it in me to bother going out of my way to help a kid I ultimately don't know. That being said, I have often been a silent witness to his issues due to literally being next door and I somewhat pity him.

Boredom is a nightmare. A constant, unbearable nightmare. And I would say it's very much both of those.

Since I have a very low baseline arousal and I'm chronically understimulated, activities that would usually help with normal boredom don't really do anything for me because they don't give me enough stimulation to really quench that thirst. Essentially, people are usually at 0 while I'm at -20, so the little things that get them from 0 to 5 get me from -20 to -15, and it ends up being nothing.

I'm also unable to really connect with anything on a deep, emotional level, and thus the things that I do enjoy are still not enough to satisfy me like they would with someone else. I do have one exception when it comes to this due to me also being autistic, but I won't get into that because it's not particularly relevant nor does it really fix my chronic boredom.

It's definitely physical as well, probably a lot more than you would imagine. Boredom to me feels like a heavy weight inside my chest; like a desperate need to do something grand enough to fill that gaping void. It feels like I've been trapped inside a cage since the day I was born, just staring at the same old enclosure for years on end.

Imagine only being able to play one singular videogame for your entire life, nothing more. Just eat, sleep, do whatever you need to do to stay alive, and play that game over and over again. Sure, it's entertaining enough for maybe a month if you want to explore everything it has to offer, but what then? You play it again, you look for secrets, you look for bugs, you play it again, you play it again, you play it again. You can do anything you want inside the game, but what happens when you've done it all? Well, that's how you're going to live for the rest of your life.

That's how it feels. Every day is dull; sometimes better and sometimes worse, but always dull. Some things manage to fix the boredom for a couple hours if you're lucky, but it will be back because it always is.

Of course it's not all of it, I would never try to get better if it didn't benefit me significantly, but even then I constantly feel like other people are winning more than I am with the work I put in.

Some of my antisocial traits ultimately make things hellish for me, and I would love those gone. But I have to suppress and learn to manage a lot more than that to be considered "in the process of recovering" by others.

I was diagnosed with childhood onset schizophrenia and treated for it for years until I cut contact with that psychiatrist due to reasons that I won't get into, but I don't really believe I'm schizophrenic at all despite the fact that my diagnosis has technically never been removed.

And I say technically because it was never even in my records due to my parents making deals and tampering with my medical information.

I guess I’m asking cause I can’t really tell if my thoughts are like that or it’s just morbid fascination?

Homicidal ideation is defined as the contemplation, desire, or planning to take another person's life. It can be fleeting and short-lived, or more methodical and well thought-out. It's also possible to experience both, as I myself do.

Either way, anything that fits that description would be considered homicidal ideation.

You can make me very angry, momentarily, if you mess with me enough. But maintained hatred takes an amount of effort that I'm not willing to put in unless you really, really fucked me over.