souped up white boy

nothing hits the spot like sitting still with your arms crossed and looking around and not talking

‘project hail mary is about the power of friendship’ ‘project hail mary is about hope’ ‘project hail mary is about accidentally becoming too important at work’ wrong wrong wrong you’re all wrong. project hail mary is about what it would take for a single man in his 30s to own a fully paid off beachfront property in today’s economy

A milli

A new guy we have been enjoying in our household is this kid from my Soviet orphans research who was named Teapot and lived in a train tunnel and did huge amounts of cocaine. Some social workers had to crawl through a tube to find him and talk to him and it was such a tight squeeze that two of them gave up and also their light went out so the final social worker crawls to the end of the tunnel in the dark and finds this kid and he's like I'm not going to the orphanage get out of my house. RIP Chainik

blorbo from my soviet orphan research

if i were in charge of star wars i would end the last movie witth yoda reading the story out of a big book and he gives a little chuckle and says "happened, none of that did." and then he gets out of his truck and waddles into walmart

In a perfect world we'd have a muppets odyssey movie rn

they added another luftballon while you were sleeping

from like 9 to 12 i would try to fall asleep by ‘making’ a new seinfeld episode in my head. i would open with a jerry seinfeld standup bit that was almost nonsense (its not like i can write standup like he can at 10 years old) and then it would be jerry and george arguing about a girlfriend i made up with some kind of pointless issue (”she wears bigger pants than me, jerry! everyones gonna know, who wears the pants!”) and then kramer would walk in. by that time id be almost out

I should also say i was ‘typing’ out the dialogue with my hands as if they were on a keyboard, but my hands were across my chest like a vampire

Do you think cavemen ever got humiliated and had the kms urge? Like "Grug so embarrassed, Grug jump into tar pit" and then Glarg is like "Noooo everyone forget soon" and Grug is like "Grug going to do it for real"