I feel like I’m evaporating. My idle hours wear away into nothing and although time has passed I couldn’t tell you what I’ve done. It’s not that I don’t remember, it’s just that it’s insignificant. I sit. I read. I stare at my phone. I have no hobbies. I try to do things and immediately lose interest and revert to scrolling. I don’t talk much anymore, mostly because I don’t feel I have anything to talk about. I feel hollow. I’m not sad, but I feel unmoored and impermanent and like my existence is barely a blip on the radar.
What do I contribute other than cooking, going grocery shopping, going to work, and sitting? Sitting. Sitting. Sitting. My body hurts but I’m unwilling to move. The books are all the same and I’m bored of those. I don’t really have an interest in video games although I’ve tried. I can’t draw and don’t have the patience to color. I wish I had the drive to exercise but the thought of going to the gym, or even working out in the living room makes me sad and nervous.
I exist, but don’t feel alive, and yet I’m still terrified of the impermanence of life. I don’t know what to do. I want to believe I have a purpose. I want to be excited to be alive and be grateful for existing, but I don’t know why I’m here. I’m not depressed, I’m really not, but I just don’t feel valuable or intentional.
