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@spoonieengineer
getting back into it - 3 days until my a levels begin :((

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all this stationery and i just use black pen :)
I have a presentation tomorrow afternoon about Daucus Crop Wild Relatives⌠I think I need a pep talk!
[55/100 days of productivity] 06.05.2019.
Didnât do much today because I felt quite fatigued. I worked on some chemistry notes since I got an upcoming quiz soon, but I have so much more to do ;; sore throats are the worst
-smoltrash
Currently freaking out cause Iâm at the clinic waiting for Botox injections for my migraines and Iâm
Hnnng.
Apparently even if I do move out in July itâll be fine to start this now. Also gonna ask about medicated shades.
Omg this is a thing??? I need it!

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You know one of the shittiest parts of chronic pain?Â
Sympathy has an expiration date.Â
If youâre hurting because you broke your leg, people can sympathize with you, because thereâs an end-date. Eventually your leg will heal and youâll be okay again. People will coo and coddle and bring you chocolates and sign your cast because they know thatâs emotional labor that they will only have to perform temporarily.Â
But if you have a chronic condition that causes you daily pain, after awhile, people get annoyed with having to deal with you. They ask you whatâs wrong, and when you reply with the same thing that was wrong last week, or the week before, or the month before, you eventually get an incredulous, âStill?âÂ
Or maybe theyâre not that overt. Maybe instead they go, âOh, just that. Okay.â As if todayâs pain should somehow be fine for them to ignore because itâs nothing new. No need to worry: itâs just the same old same old.Â
Let me tell you: Pain never gets easy to handle. Itâs not like people with chronic pain develop an immunity to it, or that we stop feeling it. Sure, some of us get better at ignoring it, or better at living around it, but honestly? Most of us just get better at hiding it, because we get tired of feeling like an emotional burden to everyone around us.
But that doesnât mean that weâre not hurting, and it sort of sucks that long-term pain, in addition to all the other fun things it entails, also eventually comes with a revoked right to be sympathized with, or even just treated like something other than a whiny attention-grabbing faker (or worse: a drug-seeker).
Chronic pain is real. And it sucks. And one of the worst parts about it is knowing itâs never going to end.Â
It would just be cool if people could try understand that, I guess.
You will have a good day today!
Iâm gonna have a great and productive day too, today and tomorrow I revise polish stuff, Sunday is just for chillin, on Monday is the battle day đ¤
PS: thanks for 400 followers, love you all!
if it makes you unable to get out of bed: youâre not faking it
if it makes you unable to think straight: youâre not faking it
if it makes you unable to brush your hair in the morning: youâre not faking it
even if youâre still able to work and smile during the day but unable to sleep or move later that day because of it: youâre not faking it
if it effects you in any way: you are not faking it
THIS IS REAL, donât second guess yourself because others do
â˘01.05.2019
My friend called me hardworking today :â) Honestly thatâs the best compliment someone can give me. I worked on a maths paper for around 4 hours today. It should have taken 2.5 but Iâm so proud of myself for actually completing all of the questions. The yellow tags are all of the questions I have to ask my teacher after the break is over, but at least Iâm managing to complete a few full questions without any doubts. Step by step Iâm getting there. How about you?
Badly fatigued lately. Yesterday I only went to class for attendance, because I honestly couldn't pay attention and half slept through most of the class. At least today I'm managing to study, with this llama keeping me company.

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when mental illness affects your studies
all of us mentally ill students finally reach a point where we think itâs so, so hard that we are unable to keep going, keep studying, keep living like this. I have reached that point again recently, but this time reached out for help, and am now trying to learn how to function at school now that Iâve come to terms with my illness. so, I thought I could share some advice based on my own experience.
to you who are now struggling, please donât give up. do just that. you can overcome this and that is a fact.
-
for the love of God, tell your teachers.
sadly, deadlines donât really care if youâre currently at your lowest point or just happen to be âin shapeâ for completing assignments â you have to hand them in on This Day, period. But sometimes you feel so bad that you are either completely unable to finish that one essay or end up forcing yourself to write it and do it while gritting your teeth and crying like I did with my History essay earlier this year. when receiving feedback from my teacher (negative, of course, because the essay was utter shite), I wanted to answer her question why it was SO bad with âI am just very, very sickâ and âPlease donât think Iâm not ambitious or hardworking anymore, I was doing my very best to deliver this and Iâm sorry itâs badâ⌠but I didnât. I was too afraid that she would think I was lying and too lazy to write a good essay, and that she wouldnât understand. A few months later, my headteacher and I had a conversation during which she asked me if she should tell my teachers about what Iâm going through, and never before in my life have I felt as relieved as in that moment when I was saying âYes, pleaseâ.
not having to worry about what your teachers are going to think about the actions caused by your illness can be life-saving. If you think they wonât understand your struggle, youâre probably wrong â you are not the first and only student suffering from depression, anxiety or other mental illness; they have met many like you in the past and know exactly how to act to take some weight off your shoulders, and trust me, they will do everything they can to make it easier for you.
change is good (really)
if you think there is no way out of your situation, stop for a minute, talk to someone, and change whatever you can, even if thereâs only a tiny, tiny chance it will make you feel better and take some weight off your shoulders.
i thought I was stuck with Computer Science on Higher Level â although I try my hardest to understand what itâs about, I get grades below average and am really disappointed in myself. It became one of my biggest struggles, and Iâm not even planning to become a programmist⌠It has been making my depression worse for a whole year, but I didnât do anything to change it, just kept wishing I had picked Biology last year. I mentioned it during a conversation with a trusted teacher and she thought of a solution, asking me if I wanted to change my Language A level to Higher and then take up Biology on SL. And I was like ?? Life-changing?? Of course, I will have to study hard during the summer holidays to catch up with a year worth of material, but Iâm more than willing to do that if it means not having to hear about Computer Science ever again. and once again, so much weight off my shoulders. Why I havenât even thought of making that change before is a topic for another discussion, but my point here is, go make that change if you can. If there is another door, open it. Although itâs scary, itâs definitely worth it.
donât suit your goals, make your goals suit you
one thing really hard to accept is that an accomplishment for you, a mentally ill student, might be different than an accomplishment for a healthy student. For you, passing this class alone may be a goal, not necessarily with the highest marks, while others strive for straight Aâs. You have to understand that, in order not to add more to your worries, you need to have a realistic approach. For me, it was the hardest part, because Iâm usually really ambitious and have a tendency to set the bar too high or compare myself to others. But what I needed to realise was that others are not ill, and I am, and if an achievement for me is something that they do effortlessly, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I am the sick me and they are the healthy them, and that is fine.
find a good therapist
therapy, carried out well, can save your life, and Iâm sure you already know that (because everyone keeps repeating that, literally everywhere, and itâs becoming highly annoying). I hadnât realised that, though, until I experienced it myself. I have been suffering for almost two years before I finally scared myself so much that I needed to find a therapist as soon as possible, as I realised I was slowly becoming dangerous to myself and therefore people close to me. I was lucky enough to find a good specialist right away, who quickly diagnosed me, sent to a psychiatrist that prescribed me medicine, and continued therapy with me. But before I found this one, I had been to three others who did not understand me at all. I stopped searching, which was a mistake â please learn from my experience and donât do that! If you can feel that the therapist you found isnât right for you, look for someone else. Just donât give up, because therapy really is important. You need to know that you can get out of this, and you need someone who will guide you and help you overcome whatever youâre going through.
*strums guitar*
Mandatory attendance polices discriminate against disabled and mentally ill students, who end up losing points for reasons outside of their control regardless of their overall performance.
*Drum solo*
They are also actively dangerous to students with suppressed immune systems, for example those with HIV/AIDS, lupus, or who are fighting cancer, because it exposes them to sick people who should not be in class.
*Dives off the stage and crowd surfs*
If you care about disabled students, if it is at all within your power you will not require mandatory attendance, especially on lecture days.
tips from a mentally ill college student
an ongoing list of things iâm learning that i wish iâd known sooner. feel free to add on to the list or ask me to make edits! if some of this seems obvious, i apologize, but a lot of it never occurred to me or took two and a half years for me to start doing.Â
environment: where you study matters. donât do it where you sleep, if possible. i block out time to go to the library or coffee shop, but you can also try a park, empty classroom, study room, etc.Â
pomodoro timer: as an ADHD student, using a pomodoro timer app has helped tremendously. other options include Forest and similar apps, but my brain tends to just go âokay, let the tree die then.â even this timer doesnât always work for me, but it works often enough that i use it to study.Â
cook on sunday: or whenever you have a free chunk of time. cooking takes a lot out of me so i usually do it twice a week, sunday and wednesday night. iâll chop up a lemon, de-frost frozen chicken, rub it in spices and olive oil, and put parchment paper over it, then put that in the oven. + i make rice with chicken broth instead of water. together itâs a solid meal. simple recipes using as few ingredients as possible are a lifesaver for me. search âeasy recipes,â âsimple recipes,â and the like for tons of options.Â
forgive yourself: itâs so hard for me to do and has taken time. you are going to have days where you simply canât get anything done. it doesnât mean youâre lazy. it doesnât mean youâre a failure. even if you missed an assignment, you can still get a good grade in the class. furthermore, you NEED the recovery time. it is NOT time wasted.Â
counseling: if you have on-campus counseling, take advantage of it. even if they arenât your main therapist, or you donât usually go to therapy, or you donât get along with the first person you see. try going a few times and find someone to click with. having access to someone who can write a doctorâs note is vital.Â
disability resources: if you need them, get in their program! do it! i donât care if it makes you feel weird, if you donât feel like you deserve it, etc. do it! do it! itâs one of the best things i did for myself on campus, and itâs the reason i can still go to school.Â
tell professors early on: i have adhd, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. there are going to be days when, even with counseling and medication, i will absolutely not be able to go to class or pay attention or what have you. if a professor knows iâm dealing with this stuff, theyâre more likely to give me a break than they would otherwise.Â
plants are the bomb. name them. look up care sheets for them. talk to the people at plant shops, if you have any in your area. take them for walks. read about them. watch tv with them. sing to them. plants have saved my life many times over and they donât ask much in return.Â
stockpile your happiness. i keep a list of things that bring positive emotions to me, and come back to it when my mood starts to swing down: things to do, video links, music, vines of cute animals, whatever. conversely, keeping a playlist of songs that help you get through pain can be exceptionally important when itâs three in the morning and no one is texting back.Â
thereâs more than the national suicide prevention hotline. they get a lot of calls and are most concerned with whether youâre in immediate danger, and arenât the best people to call in every situation. i say this because people reblog suicide prevention hotlines all the time, but donât consider what the general purpose of each one is for. it can feel really shitty to be brushed off by someone who doesnât think youâre âin crisis enoughâ for their services, so makes sure to have options saved beforehand. local crisis hotlines, text crisis hotlines, & online messaging crisis centers are important to keep on hand.Â
look for off-campus resources, too. see if there are any organizations in the area that could help you that arenât tied to the school. again, it is good to have as many options for help as possible.Â
sometimes a rubber band on the wrist is the best option. or throwing ice cubes in the tub, or wrapping yourself in a blanket because itâs the only thing keeping you together right now. if iâm having the urge to self-harm, snapping a rubber band against my wrist is a safer option for me, even if itâs not THE safest option. like, ideally i would draw on my arm with marker, but if iâm in a bad enough state that wonât be enough for me, you feel? the safe coping mechanism that youâll actually use is FAR more helpful than the safest option you never will.Â
online community. i frequent the #actuallybpd and #actuallyadhd tags on tumblr because these are people that understand what itâs like, and can help me vent my frustrations when i have no one to turn to. just remember not to over-engage in discourse if itâs bad for your mental state, like it is for me.
look up pictures of the diaphragm and how it works. i literally didnât know what my diaphragm looked like, so breathing was even harder than it wouldâve been otherwise. looking up animations of it helped me learn how to breathe slowly and deeply, which was not actually something i knew how to do.Â
white noise is the only way i can focus on studying. really.Â
asmr, binaural stuff, etc. if it helps you and itâs safe, thereâs nothing wrong with it. i know the juryâs still out on whether it âactually works,â but even if itâs placebo, it helps me calm down quickly.Â
remember why youâre here: to learn, apply that knowledge, meet people, and make the world a better place. or to make cash money, whatever.Â
PB + chocolate + banana (+ revising for Greek Art and Archaeology final)
⨠April 28th 2019 â¨
Didnât do a whole lot today but did manage to finish a chapter in intro to personalities and start making some flash cards for intro to sociology. Tomorrow will be spent studying all day long. I already feel like I need a coffee..

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hey i know weâre all made to feel guilty for it, but u donât need to wait for your energy reserves to get to 0% before you allow yourself to take a break and recharge.
i donât force my phone to hit zero before i plug it in, or else it takes ages for it to even turn back on, and ages longer to get it to a level where Iâm comfy taking it out of the house. similarly, pushing yourself to use up the last dregs of energy is gonna slow you down for way longer than you need.
take a break when you can (regardless of whether you âdeserveâ it!) and do what you need to recharge.
I don't look disabled but I'm not as sturdy as I look
Yesterday my class and I had a visitation to a water treatment plant. The teacher assured us it'd be only one hour long. I made sure to dress as comfortable as possible as surely we'd be walking a lot. I don't have a cane, but sometimes I use my wheeled bag as one. I didn't bring it because I thought I wouldn't need it.
The visitation was almost three hours long.
And instead of wandering around, on top of it, we had a lot of time standing still, as the teachers explained stuff and rambled a lot. By the end of it I had two panic attacks, in front of everyone, because prolongued pain I can't do anything about (had no pills, nor cane, nowhere to sit, have to keep a good image in front of teachers, etc) is one of my triggers.
The pain lasted long afterwards. That day I had to do an exam while in pain, and I think I could have done better had I had a clearer mind.
Being a spoonie in college sucks. I don't want to show my face ever again in that class.