A Civil Engineering student

[55/100 days of productivity] 06.05.2019.

Didn’t do much today because I felt quite fatigued. I worked on some chemistry notes since I got an upcoming quiz soon, but I have so much more to do ;; sore throats are the worst

Hnnng.

Sympathy has an expiration date. 

If you’re hurting because you broke your leg, people can sympathize with you, because there’s an end-date. Eventually your leg will heal and you’ll be okay again. People will coo and coddle and bring you chocolates and sign your cast because they know that’s emotional labor that they will only have to perform temporarily. 

But if you have a chronic condition that causes you daily pain, after awhile, people get annoyed with having to deal with you. They ask you what’s wrong, and when you reply with the same thing that was wrong last week, or the week before, or the month before, you eventually get an incredulous, “Still?” 

Or maybe they’re not that overt. Maybe instead they go, “Oh, just that. Okay.” As if today’s pain should somehow be fine for them to ignore because it’s nothing new. No need to worry: it’s just the same old same old. 

Let me tell you: Pain never gets easy to handle. It’s not like people with chronic pain develop an immunity to it, or that we stop feeling it. Sure, some of us get better at ignoring it, or better at living around it, but honestly? Most of us just get better at hiding it, because we get tired of feeling like an emotional burden to everyone around us.

But that doesn’t mean that we’re not hurting, and it sort of sucks that long-term pain, in addition to all the other fun things it entails, also eventually comes with a revoked right to be sympathized with, or even just treated like something other than a whiny attention-grabbing faker (or worse: a drug-seeker).

Chronic pain is real. And it sucks. And one of the worst parts about it is knowing it’s never going to end. 

You will have a good day today!

I’m gonna have a great and productive day too, today and tomorrow I revise polish stuff, Sunday is just for chillin, on Monday is the battle day 🤓

if it makes you unable to think straight: you’re not faking it

if it makes you unable to brush your hair in the morning: you’re not faking it

even if you’re still able to work and smile during the day but unable to sleep or move later that day because of it: you’re not faking it

if it effects you in any way: you are not faking it

•01.05.2019

all of us mentally ill students finally reach a point where we think it’s so, so hard that we are unable to keep going, keep studying, keep living like this. I have reached that point again recently, but this time reached out for help, and am now trying to learn how to function at school now that I’ve come to terms with my illness. so, I thought I could share some advice based on my own experience.

to you who are now struggling, please don’t give up. do just that. you can overcome this and that is a fact.

-

for the love of God, tell your teachers.

sadly, deadlines don’t really care if you’re currently at your lowest point or just happen to be ‘in shape’ for completing assignments – you have to hand them in on This Day, period. But sometimes you feel so bad that you are either completely unable to finish that one essay or end up forcing yourself to write it and do it while gritting your teeth and crying like I did with my History essay earlier this year. when receiving feedback from my teacher (negative, of course, because the essay was utter shite), I wanted to answer her question why it was SO bad with ‘I am just very, very sick’ and ‘Please don’t think I’m not ambitious or hardworking anymore, I was doing my very best to deliver this and I’m sorry it’s bad’… but I didn’t. I was too afraid that she would think I was lying and too lazy to write a good essay, and that she wouldn’t understand. A few months later, my headteacher and I had a conversation during which she asked me if she should tell my teachers about what I’m going through, and never before in my life have I felt as relieved as in that moment when I was saying ‘Yes, please’.

not having to worry about what your teachers are going to think about the actions caused by your illness can be life-saving. If you think they won’t understand your struggle, you’re probably wrong – you are not the first and only student suffering from depression, anxiety or other mental illness; they have met many like you in the past and know exactly how to act to take some weight off your shoulders, and trust me, they will do everything they can to make it easier for you.

change is good (really)

if you think there is no way out of your situation, stop for a minute, talk to someone, and change whatever you can, even if there’s only a tiny, tiny chance it will make you feel better and take some weight off your shoulders.

i thought I was stuck with Computer Science on Higher Level – although I try my hardest to understand what it’s about, I get grades below average and am really disappointed in myself. It became one of my biggest struggles, and I’m not even planning to become a programmist… It has been making my depression worse for a whole year, but I didn’t do anything to change it, just kept wishing I had picked Biology last year. I mentioned it during a conversation with a trusted teacher and she thought of a solution, asking me if I wanted to change my Language A level to Higher and then take up Biology on SL. And I was like ?? Life-changing?? Of course, I will have to study hard during the summer holidays to catch up with a year worth of material, but I’m more than willing to do that if it means not having to hear about Computer Science ever again. and once again, so much weight off my shoulders. Why I haven’t even thought of making that change before is a topic for another discussion, but my point here is, go make that change if you can. If there is another door, open it. Although it’s scary, it’s definitely worth it.

don’t suit your goals, make your goals suit you

one thing really hard to accept is that an accomplishment for you, a mentally ill student, might be different than an accomplishment for a healthy student. For you, passing this class alone may be a goal, not necessarily with the highest marks, while others strive for straight A’s. You have to understand that, in order not to add more to your worries, you need to have a realistic approach. For me, it was the hardest part, because I’m usually really ambitious and have a tendency to set the bar too high or compare myself to others. But what I needed to realise was that others are not ill, and I am, and if an achievement for me is something that they do effortlessly, there is nothing to be ashamed of. I am the sick me and they are the healthy them, and that is fine.

find a good therapist

Mandatory attendance polices discriminate against disabled and mentally ill students, who end up losing points for reasons outside of their control regardless of their overall performance.

*Drum solo*

They are also actively dangerous to students with suppressed immune systems, for example those with HIV/AIDS, lupus, or who are fighting cancer, because it exposes them to sick people who should not be in class.

*Dives off the stage and crowd surfs*

an ongoing list of things i’m learning that i wish i’d known sooner. feel free to add on to the list or ask me to make edits! if some of this seems obvious, i apologize, but a lot of it never occurred to me or took two and a half years for me to start doing. 

environment: where you study matters. don’t do it where you sleep, if possible. i block out time to go to the library or coffee shop, but you can also try a park, empty classroom, study room, etc. 

pomodoro timer: as an ADHD student, using a pomodoro timer app has helped tremendously. other options include Forest and similar apps, but my brain tends to just go “okay, let the tree die then.” even this timer doesn’t always work for me, but it works often enough that i use it to study. 

cook on sunday: or whenever you have a free chunk of time. cooking takes a lot out of me so i usually do it twice a week, sunday and wednesday night. i’ll chop up a lemon, de-frost frozen chicken, rub it in spices and olive oil, and put parchment paper over it, then put that in the oven. + i make rice with chicken broth instead of water. together it’s a solid meal. simple recipes using as few ingredients as possible are a lifesaver for me. search “easy recipes,” “simple recipes,” and the like for tons of options. 

forgive yourself: it’s so hard for me to do and has taken time. you are going to have days where you simply can’t get anything done. it doesn’t mean you’re lazy. it doesn’t mean you’re a failure. even if you missed an assignment, you can still get a good grade in the class. furthermore, you NEED the recovery time. it is NOT time wasted. 

counseling: if you have on-campus counseling, take advantage of it. even if they aren’t your main therapist, or you don’t usually go to therapy, or you don’t get along with the first person you see. try going a few times and find someone to click with. having access to someone who can write a doctor’s note is vital. 

disability resources: if you need them, get in their program! do it! i don’t care if it makes you feel weird, if you don’t feel like you deserve it, etc. do it! do it! it’s one of the best things i did for myself on campus, and it’s the reason i can still go to school. 

tell professors early on: i have adhd, major depressive disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and borderline personality disorder. there are going to be days when, even with counseling and medication, i will absolutely not be able to go to class or pay attention or what have you. if a professor knows i’m dealing with this stuff, they’re more likely to give me a break than they would otherwise. 

plants are the bomb. name them. look up care sheets for them. talk to the people at plant shops, if you have any in your area. take them for walks. read about them. watch tv with them. sing to them. plants have saved my life many times over and they don’t ask much in return. 

stockpile your happiness. i keep a list of things that bring positive emotions to me, and come back to it when my mood starts to swing down: things to do, video links, music, vines of cute animals, whatever. conversely, keeping a playlist of songs that help you get through pain can be exceptionally important when it’s three in the morning and no one is texting back. 

there’s more than the national suicide prevention hotline. they get a lot of calls and are most concerned with whether you’re in immediate danger, and aren’t the best people to call in every situation. i say this because people reblog suicide prevention hotlines all the time, but don’t consider what the general purpose of each one is for. it can feel really shitty to be brushed off by someone who doesn’t think you’re “in crisis enough” for their services, so makes sure to have options saved beforehand. local crisis hotlines, text crisis hotlines, & online messaging crisis centers are important to keep on hand. 

look for off-campus resources, too. see if there are any organizations in the area that could help you that aren’t tied to the school. again, it is good to have as many options for help as possible. 

sometimes a rubber band on the wrist is the best option. or throwing ice cubes in the tub, or wrapping yourself in a blanket because it’s the only thing keeping you together right now. if i’m having the urge to self-harm, snapping a rubber band against my wrist is a safer option for me, even if it’s not THE safest option. like, ideally i would draw on my arm with marker, but if i’m in a bad enough state that won’t be enough for me, you feel? the safe coping mechanism that you’ll actually use is FAR more helpful than the safest option you never will. 

online community. i frequent the #actuallybpd and #actuallyadhd tags on tumblr because these are people that understand what it’s like, and can help me vent my frustrations when i have no one to turn to. just remember not to over-engage in discourse if it’s bad for your mental state, like it is for me.

look up pictures of the diaphragm and how it works. i literally didn’t know what my diaphragm looked like, so breathing was even harder than it would’ve been otherwise. looking up animations of it helped me learn how to breathe slowly and deeply, which was not actually something i knew how to do. 

white noise is the only way i can focus on studying. really. 

asmr, binaural stuff, etc. if it helps you and it’s safe, there’s nothing wrong with it. i know the jury’s still out on whether it “actually works,” but even if it’s placebo, it helps me calm down quickly. 

✨ April 28th 2019 ✨

i don’t force my phone to hit zero before i plug it in, or else it takes ages for it to even turn back on, and ages longer to get it to a level where I’m comfy taking it out of the house. similarly, pushing yourself to use up the last dregs of energy is gonna slow you down for way longer than you need.