the s word

Mini Crash Course on Plants + Pollen

What's the deal with plants? Like, where do I start if I know...nothing? You can start right here!! Okay, so there are a lot (and I do mean a lot) of different ways we classify plants. For the purposes of this post, I'm going to to break down a few of the key ones in a way that (hopefully) isn't too overwhelming.

The Linnaean Classification system: This is the standard method of classifying all living organisms, using taxonomic binomial nomenclature (a formal, 2-part naming system in Latinized forms).

🌱 FUN FACT: Common names of plants often vary from region to region, culture to culture, and era to era. You can learn a lot from a plant's common name, and often a lot more from its binomial nomenclature. For example, the plant known as Common Sneezewort (Achillea ptarmica) derives its binomial species name (ptarmica) from the Greek word ptairo ("sneeze") which means "causes sneezing!" -- Thus, the plant's full scientific name translates to "Yarrow that causes sneezing." Pretty on[in?]-the-nose if you ask me.

Do all plants produce pollen? Nope! Not all plants produce pollen. I've put together the following chart which helps break down how we further classify plants --specifically in the context of what plants produce pollen and how they are pollinated, which all leads us to understanding what makes them more/less allergenic and why...we'll get into shortly.

Why do plants produce pollen, and what exactly is pollination? It's how plants get it on, bay-bee! 🐝 Pollination is how the male parts of a plant transfer genetic material to the female parts of the plant, allowing plants to produce seed and fruit, and ensure the genetic diversity of its species is maintained. Let's talk about it!

Reproductive Categories: Both Angiosperms (flowering) and Gymnosperms (non-flowering) have male structures which produce pollen and female structures which develop seeds and fruit.

In Angiosperms, the part of a flower containing the male reproductive organs is called the stamen. At the tip of the stamen is the anther, which is where pollen is produced! The part of a flower containing the female reproductive organ is called the pistil, which contains the ovary. Once fertilized by pollen, this part develops into the mature fruit/seed.

Flowers (and cones) can be male, female, or bisexual -- and there are even more categories I'm not going to get into but...Nature is queer, y'all! And it's awesome.

Monoecious plants have both male and female unisexual flowers on the same plant, which means they are self-pollinating. Examples include: Birch, Oak, Spruce, and Pine trees; and vegetables like pumpkins, cucumbers, corn and tomatoes. Dioecious plants have unisexual male and female parts on separate plants, and need to be cross pollinated in order to produce seed. Examples include: Juniper, Poplar, Maple, and Willow trees; and vegetables like asparagus and spinach.

🌱 FUN FACT: On monoecious conifer trees, female cones grow on the upper branches of the tree, where they can be fertilized by the pollen of male cones blown upwards from the wind.

Okay, so exactly how are plants pollinated? Biotic Pollination (by animals - primarily insects, but also birds and small mammals). In exchange for pollination services, these plants provide animals with food (pollen is very high in protein and nutrients).

Abiotic Pollination (by natural phenomenons - like wind, rain, or water). These are strong, independent self-pollinating plants who don’t need no bugs.

What makes some plants more allergenic than others? It all has to do with how they're pollinated!

Insect-pollinated plants generally tend to be the least allergenic, as the pollen grains are generally larger and stickier, allowing them to easily stick to insect bodies. I mean, just look at these guys. They’re absolutely lost in the sauce:

Wind-pollinated plants, on the other hand, tend to be the most allergenic as their pollen grains are smaller and lighter. They also tend to produce a lot more of it in quantity, since their distribution method is a lot less targeted (they rely on the variable forces of wind and water vs relying on, say, a bee that is reliably going to fly from flower to flower).

Depending on the anatomical structure of a species’ flowers, it may be both animal and wind-pollinated. Privet, for example, is primarily insect-pollinated, but because it has anthers that protrude considerably from its flower (hubba hubba), its pollen can be distributed by the wind, as this article explains.

🌱 FUN FACT: Some bees have special structures known as pollen baskets (or corbiculae) to help them efficiently store and carry pollen!

How is allergy season defined? The peak flowering/pollen times for plants varies by region, even if the same plant species grows across a wide geographical range. This is influenced largely by climate, and may vary slightly year-by-year. Ragweed, for example is abundant throughout all of central-eastern continental US, but pollen levels may peak at different times, depending on what state you're in (the state of allergic misery perhaps). For example, someone who usually prepares accordingly for ragweed season to hit them in mid-September where they live might be in for a bit of a surprise if they travel to another part of the country in mid-late August...!

What is hay fever, exactly? Is it the same as seasonal allergies? Essentially, yes. Hay fever is actually bit of a misnomer, as it was originally believed that the scent of freshly-cut grass (later dried to be used as hay*) was triggering allergic symptoms. Grass pollen of course can be a major trigger for allergies, nowadays the term is used almost interchangeably with the more-accurately described allergic rhinitis. *Consider also, if you really want to put your character in a Situation, the fact that dried hay often contains not only pollen, but mold spores and dust/dried plant particles...

Why does pollen make people sneeze? In simple terms: pollen allergies are an immunological response to the proteins found in different types of pollen. This article, titled 'Allergies: The Radical Theory of Sneezing' goes into much further detail. Also, um, hello?!!? That name???

🌱 FUN FACT: This paper is the first recorded medical description of 'hay fever.' In case you want to read it. For science, obviously.

A Selected List of the Sneeziest Plants

🌻 wildflowers + weeds

Asters, Daisies, Sunflowers (Members of the Asteraceae family) in general  Ragweed (members of the Ambrosia genus): specifically Common Ragweed (Ambrosia artemisiifolia) and Great Ragweed (Ambrosia trifida) Mugworts (members of the Artemisia genus) - particularly Common Mugwort (Artemisia vulgaris) Pigweed (members of the Amaranthus genus) Goosefoot (Chenopodium album)

💐 cultivated or cut flowers

Baby’s breath (Gypsophila paniculata) and its relatives in the same genus Chrysanthemums or 'Mums' (members of the Chrysanthemum genus) Asters, Daisies, Sunflowers (Members of the Asteraceae family), including: Dahlias (members of the Dahlia genus) Gerberas (members of the Gerbera genus) 

🌾 grasses

Timothy grasses (members of the Phleum genus) Sweet vernal grass (Anthoxanthum odoratum) Bermuda grass (Cynodon dactylon) Kentucky bluegrass (Poa pratensis) Ryegrass (members of the Lolium genus) Orchard grass (Dactylis glomerata) Bahia grass (Paspalum notatum)

🌳 shrubs/small trees

Common Sagebrush (Artemisia tridentata) Hazels (members of the Corylus genus) Juniper (members of the Juniperus genus) Cypress (members of the Cupressaceae family) Privet (members of the Ligustrum genus)

🌲 trees

Alder (members of the Alnus genus) Ash (members of the Fraxinus genus) Beech (members of the Fagus genus) Birch (members of the Betula genus) Cedar (members of the Cedrus genus) Elm (members of the Ulmus genus) Hickory (members of the Carya genus) Maple (members of the Acer genus) Mulberry (members of the Morus genus) Oak (members of the Quercus genus) Olive (members of the Olea genus) Sycamore (members of the Platanus genus) Poplar (members of the Populus genus)

🌱 FUN FACT: People who are allergic to the pollen of one plant species are more likely to also be allergic to species in the same plant family. For example, those who are Ash tree pollen may also be allergic to the pollen of Olives and Lilacs, as all three are members of the Oleaceae family.

🏅special mentions (plants that may or may not necessarily be allergenic but still deserve to be mentioned)

Highly fragrant plants (known to or most likely to trigger scent reactions) Lilies – particularly Asiatic hybrids such as Lilium orientalis (aka the Stargazer lily) Hyacinths (members of the Hyacinthus genus) Lilacs (members of the Syringa genus) Wisteria (members of the Wisteria genus) Lavender (members of the Lavandula genus) Jasmine (members of the Jasminum genus) Freesias (specifically the highly fragrant Antique White Freesia aka Freesia alba) Viburnums (Specifically the Burkwood Viburnum aka Viburnum × burkwoodii) Roses (members of the Rosa genus)* *There are certain types of hybrid Roses that have been bred specifically for traits like fragrance (eg. the variety known as “Mme Isaac Pereire”) but honestly...most of my knowledge pertains to wild rose species and I'm not researching this topic any further because people who grow cultivated/hybrid roses can be Extremely Serious about it and I’m genuinely a little scared of them. Small, fluffy seed heads (wind-distributed seeds that are very tiny and light and easy to breathe in...Do you see where i'm going with this? You see the vision?!) Dandelions (Taraxacum officinale): Willowherbs (members of the Epilobium genus) Cottongrasses (members of the Eriophorum genus) Asters (members of the Aster genus) Goldenrods (members of the Solidago genus) Pearly Everlasting (Anaphalis margaritacea) Hypoallergenic plants (these species tend to have thick/sticky pollen that does not become airborne, or needs to be intentionally disturbed by specialist polinators in order to disperse). A pollen allergy to any of the following plants would extremely unlikely, but an objectively hilarious affliction to give to a character. Orchids (members of the Orchidaceae family) Cactus (members of the Cactaceae family) Irises, Crocuses, and Freesias (members of the Iridaceae family) Columbines (members of the Aquilegia family)

🌱 FUN FACT: Many flowers have been cultivated (intentionally bred or hybridized to for specific traits) to produce less pollen. We call these varieties "cultivars." For allergy sufferers, hypoallergenic cultivars are great to grow in their garden (or to purchase at a florist). For pollinators who expend energy to search for a food source, it's not so great. It's even less great if these cultivars are native species which are subsequently planted or introduced into the wild, as it can compromise the genetic integrity of that species' wild populations, and negatively impact native pollinators.

💥 Sternutatory or Errhine plants Sternutatory (adjective): Also sternutative. causing or tending to cause sneezing Errhine (noun): a medicine to be snuffed up the nostrils to promote sneezing and increased discharges.

Important Disclaimer ⚠️ DO NOT TRY THESE AT HOME ( I cannot stress this enough). This is for information purposes only and should not be used as a how-to guide. Many plants, including some on this list and the resources at the end of this guide can be extremely toxic, dangerous – or even deadly – if used, consumed, or prepared incorrectly. Misidentification of plant species can also be deadly. Seriously, do not be silly in your pursuit of snz. Stick with chhinkni, folks.

Wait, so…plants can make you sneeze even without pollen? Heck yeah, friends! We've all heard about pepper as a snz trigger, of course...Well, Black Pepper is just the common name for the plant also known as Piper nigrum. Peppercorns are its dried fruit, and it's what we grind up to get black pepper seasoning! And chhinkni? It's all plant parts! We'll get into that later, too.

Indigenous peoples around the world have been using plants medicinally for millennia. Traditionally, sternutatory (yes, that is the fancy scientific word for ‘sneeze-inducing’) plants were used to treat or cure the common cold, headaches, or in some cases as a stimulant. Are you writing a fic with a character who is an herbalist, traditional medicine practitioner, healer, witch/wizard, etc? Perhaps they would be familiar with some of the following plants:

Sneezeweed (Helenium autumnale) - [crushed dried leaves and flower heads] Sneezewort (Achillea ptarmica)  - [dried powdered roots; possibly leaves?] Sneezewood (Ptaeroxylon obliquum) - [powder from wood, bark] Spreading Sneezeweed (Centipeda minima) - [squeezed flower heads] Kentucky coffeetree (Gymnocladus dioicus) - [dried crushed roots; dried crushed pods] Spanish chamomile (Anacyclus pyrethrum) - [powdered roots] Leopard’s Bane (Arnica montana) - [freshly crushed flowers; whole plant; dried/powdered] Scarlet Creeper (Ipomoea hederifolia) - [roots] Redberry (Deeringia amaranthoides) [powdered roots] Cypress vine (Quamoclit pennata) - [powdered roots] Ipecacuanha (Cephaelis ipecacuanh) - [dried roots and rhizomes] Southern Wax Myrtle (Myrica cerifera) - [powdered root bark] and its relatives Box Myrtle (Myrica Esculenta) and Swamp Bayberry (Myrica caroliniensis) Yopo (Anadenanthera peregrina) - [dried pulverized seeds] Mouse-ear hawkweed (Pilosella officinarum) - [leaves] Lemon balm (Melissa officinalis) - [powdered] Betony (Betonica officinalis) - [powdered herb/dried leaves] Rosemary (Rosmarinus officinalis) - [dried powdered leaves often added to snuff powders] Bee Balm aka Wild Bergamont (Monarda fistulosa) - [dried tops of the plants] Pasque Flower (Pulsatilla vulgaris) [dried roots] Horse Chestnut (Aesculus hippocastanum) - [powder of the dried nuts] Sage, Marjoram, and Tobacco [referenced here as a “gentle” sternutative]

🌱 FUN FACT: Mugwort is considered one of the most important herbs ("the mother of herbs") in traditional medicine (and witchcraft, allegedly). It is both a sternutatory plant and a highly-allergenic plant. It sure would be a shame if your herbalist/healer/witchy character had to both grow/harvest it and prepare/pulverize it...

Okay, but how and why exactly do these plants make us sneeze? Excellent question, so let's get into it! Come on over to...

The Chhinkni Corner

Ever wondered why Chhinkni works? Why it's so effective? What the ingredients are? Exactly how/why these ingredients make us sneeze? Let's dive into some plant + snz science (Snience)!

First, let's break down the ingredients of Chhinkni:

Skimmia laureola [leaf, powdered] Box Myrtle (Myrica Esculenta) [bark, powdered] Indian sandalwood (Santalum album) [wood, powdered] Camphor tree (Cinnamomum camphor) [extract] Peppermint (Mentha piperita) [extract] Southern Blue Gum (Eucalyptus globulus) [oil]

Well, we know from the list of (some of the known) sternutatory plants above that the root bark of Myrica species is sternutatory, so that makes sense! But what about the others on this list? Let's get back to that important question:

What about these specific plants/plant parts make us sneeze? It all has to do with Transient receptor potential channels (TRP channels). TRP channels are primarily located on the plasma membrane of our cells. They detect environmental stimuli and translate this exposure into sensations of chemesthesis (irritation, burning, cooling, tingling) pressure, taste, and smell. There are six main categories of specialized TRP channels, which play different roles throughout our body. Here's a chart that helps visualize each category:

Woah, this is getting a little overwhelming. What the heck does this have to do with snz? Or plants?! Everything, my friend! Everything! Many TRP channels are heavily expressed in the epithelial cells of nasal mucosa. Each TRP channel is activated by different things (with some overlaps) including different chemicals found in specific plant families. Let's look at some of these TRP channels (and what activates them) and things will start to make a lot more sense:

TRPV is activated by: --- Capsaicin (found in Chili Pepper), Piperine (found in Black Pepper), Carvacrol (found in Bee Balm), Camphor (primarily found the Camphor tree, but also found in plants like Rosemary), Menthol, Cannabis, Incense, Ginger, Menthol (mint). TRPA is activated by: --- Mustards (mustard, radish, horseradish, wasabi), Cinnamaldehyde (cinnamon), Tobacco, Cannabis, Wintergreen oil (aka what gives mint candies/gum its flavor), Shogaols (found in Ginger and Sichuan peppers) TRPM is activated by: --- Eucalyptol (oils from Eucalyptus plants), Menthol (mints),  --- Cold temperatures

Hmm...does anything on this list sound familiar in a snz context??!?!?!?!

Wait, is this why things like pepper, cold temperatures, mint, spices, and strong smells make people sneeze? It sure is! When certain TRP channels are activated, they send signals to your body that trigger protective reflexes (eg. sneezing and coughing) to get rid of the irritant. Everyone's cellular make-up is as unique as they are, and we all react and respond to external stimuli in different ways. Some people might only get a runny nose when exposed to cold temperatures, while for others it might trigger sneezing.

🌱 FUN FACT: There have been studies examining TRP channels in the nasal cavity and the role they might play in allergic rhinitis. There have also been studies on specific TRP receptors in the nasal mucosa comparing patients with and without allergenic rhinitis. There is even this study on the nasal effects of camphor, eucalyptus, and menthol!

Learning Tools and More Resources

See where plants grow on a map: Want to know where specific plants grow? Input the plant species (or the genus or family -- now that you know what that is!) into the search bar, and it will show you its global distribution range based on user-submitted data. You can also narrow results down to a specific area. Note: This data is compiled through user-submitted data and may be erroneous. For best results, filter search results using the “Research Grade Observation” option. While the results don’t provide insight on historical range, native vs. introduced species, it’s a great tool to get you started! Pollen Allergen Tool: An interactive chart that shows common allergenic proteins and which plants produce pollens containing them. Repeated Disclaimer ⚠️ The following resources are shared for information purposes only. Many plants, including some on these lists are extremely toxic, dangerous – or even deadly – if used, consumed, or prepared incorrectly. Sternutatory Plants: A list of sternutatory plant species compiled by the USDA Sternutatory Plants: A second list, compiled using various data sources. This paper published in 2021 on the use of sternutatory plants in herbal medicine, TRP activity. and this banger of a quote: "Sneezing had great significance and value throughout history; it exerted a strange fascination on humans" I protest the use of past-tense, but alas. Folks, this paper is Snience (Snz Science) in action. If the following excerpt is any indication:

The End!!

THANK YOU for reading if you got this far, and congrats on making it to the end of this post! I hope you learned as much as you horned (if not more) and I hope this little guide can come in handy one way or another.

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, if you ever have questions on any of these topics, please feel free to reply to this post (or send me an ask if you prefer to be anonymous) and I'll do my best to answer! 💚🌿

Sophie looked up from her work. By the sound alone, she knew it was her husband sneezing outside (no one else could possibly sneeze as loudly and dramatically as him). She prepared herself for a world of theatrics as Howl swung the door open and a billowing, cold wind rattled in with him.

“I ab never — SNDFFf! Go’igg bagck to the High Norland agaid,” declared Howl. “I dod’t care if it starts adother bloody war. Ndothi’gg is worth mbe.. hehhh.. catch.. hhih!… catchiGSCHHHhz’iHh!… catch’igg adother… adotherrhhYiiiSCHhzzhUE! —yYZCHhhHi’ue! Miserable cold… SNDFFgk! — such as this ode.”

Sophie winced. More for herself than for Howl, really, because he was insufferable with a cold, and it would fall on her to take care of him.

“Heaven’s sake, Howl. Bless you,” she said.

With a groan, he flopped down at the breakfast table, where he suddenly looked very sorry for himself. This was followed by some moaning, and groaning, before he whined for his wife to please bring him the quilt from their bedroom, and could she also bring him some tea, and perhaps start digging his grave near her favourite flowers outside?

“… And while you’re up, write a letter to the ki’gg to tell hib I wod’t idvolve byself id adother war.” He buried his nose into a handkerchief and blew loudly. The windows of castle rattled in chorus. “My codstitutiod is far too delicate for it.”

Sophie found it difficult to muster up any sympathy and was not at all amused with him. Her husband was normally very skilled at weaselling his way out of any conflict, especially when it came to being told what to do by the king, but this one took the cake!

She tsked her tongue and asked, “You’ll let innocent people die in a senseless war all so you don’t have to have a stuffy nose again?”

“Yes,” was Howl’s curt, congested reply. Then he sneezed again, in a dejected and echoing manner. The beams of the castle shook.

She rolled her eyes and decided it best to leave him. But as soon as she turned away, he whined for her again. 

“Sophie,” he moaned pleadingly, his forehead pressed to the table, “feel mby nose. It is hotter thad coals. My edtire face feels like it bay melt off!"

“I’m not touching your nose, Howl.”

“You must,” Howl cried. He turned to face her. “A wife ought to listed to her husba’d. She ought to care. A good wife — one who loved me — would do adythi’gg I asked of her, especially whed I’b as close to death as I ab.”

Sophie fought back a laugh. A good wife! She wished to slap him, and would have, but Howl prattled on.

“At some poidt in this union, you’ll have to show a shred of concern and care for me. What were our vows? In sigg’ness and id health?”

He continued on and on, spinning a ridiculous tale about what how cruel Sophie was — how she didn’t truly love him, not really, and he should’ve never fallen for her and her rotten ways — but oh, how he loved cruel women anyway, probably something to do with the way he was raised or a spell put on him — and she’d finally had enough. 

“Calcifer!” Sophie called to the fire. “Don’t bother heating the bathwater for him later. He’ll need an icy cold bath. I think the fever has all but ruined whatever brains he had left.”

“I agree,” muttered Calcifer. 

“Curse you and your hard-heart!” Howl wailed to her. “You are a wretched, fiendish woman.” With a cough, he conjured another tissue and buried his nose into it, then sneezed sadly and dramatically, his chest expanding with each intake of air, like a balloon being puffed up. “—Hhah—ahh—hhaahh…! hhaH'yZSHhhHH-ahh! SndffFF! I ndeed to lay down. Perhaps with a hot drink and a compress.”

And then he looked expectantly at his wife, doe-eyed, before very nearly shrinking under her venomous gaze.

Sophie put her hands on her hips and set her mouth in a thin line. It was impossible to tolerate her husband when he was so childishly sulky. She had zero intention of making him a hot drink, of cooing over him as though he were some broken baby bird, when he was in the throes of a tantrum. 

The moments stretched on, and as the silence became too much for Howl to withstand and it became clear she would not indulge his petulance with a response, he looked up at her again from behind the tissue. His marble-green eyes were wet and piteous. In an instant, Howl magicked her to him, sliding her across the floor as if she were a manican. She dug her heels into the floor but it was no use.

When he was satisfied, he locked his arms around her, crumpled forward, and laid his cheek on her abdomen, prostrating himself.

“Sophie,” croaked the wizard pleadingly, “please tagke care of me. I feel positively ill. You mbake me feel better.” 

“And how it possible for a wretched, hard-hearted woman to make you feel better?” Sophie snorted and crossed her arms over her chest. Though he irritated her to no end, her wizard had a desperately sad look to him that tugged on her heartstrings ever so slightly. 

“I overstepped,” admitted Howl. “You are ndot wretched. You are lovely. You are… you… are… hh—…”

His features fell, then, his soft bottom lip gently dropping open as his reddened nostrils twitched furiously. Yet he hardly looked silly or strange. In fact, he looked as pretty as ever. It enraged her to realise that, even mid-sneeze, he was still devilishly handsome. 

He pressed his large nose to her ribcage and she felt each sneezy release as they came, the warm spray misting against the baby blue fabric of her dress. The sneezes were wet and certainly promised a damp spot whenever he finished sneezing on her for attention.

“hIH-rZSHhhHYUEWhh! hhh… — hhh’HMPHhSCHh’Oo! hheiieSCHHu! Hh.. hyehh…!”

When it was clear his third sneeze wouldn’t come, he extricated himself from Sophie and flicked his gaze up at her, still caught in that itchy, desperate, pre-sneeze look. If she didn’t know any better, she’d mistake his expression for near-erotic.

Especially when considering the sight of his damp, teary eyes that beaded with wetness in the corners, his wrinkled eyebrows and quivering shiny lips and gasping breaths — well, it was difficult to ignore the swell of heat that bloomed in the very base of her belly.

“Ihht’s s-stuhh.. HEH—! hhaahh.” His exhale was borderline sexual. “Stuck… cad you help me?”

She bit her lip. 

“Soph—hhih—hihhh—hiee…hh!”

Listening to him hitch her name in breathless little pants — the same way he did during sex — that was simply enough. She needed to put an end to it immediately.

The witch leaned forward and, focusing all her power on Howl’s twitching, red nose, said with a heavy dose of enchantment laced in every word, “Your nose is so itchy that you will sneeze until you simply can’t anymore. Until I say so.”

Howl gasped. His nose twitched, his eyes screwed shut, and he his fingers around his nose in a vice-like grip. The cold-ridden wizard now looked very much like he was no longer trying to sneeze, but rather fighting it off to curse her one last time. 

“You terrible woman,” he sputtered, “why would you say—yhh sayyyihhh— hihhHh! Sayitlikethat— hhyiESHhHhyhiew! ... hh ... hih—zSCHhyh—ieZSCHhh—hhSCHhyIEWhh!” 

He sneezed again and again and again, every breath promising a sneeze to follow after, or two, or three or sometimes even four in one go. 

Occasionally he’d even try to stifle, “hgIXxt’uHh! hnGKT’uh! ... ih’xdt’hdXTk’uh!!! … ihgktSh—ZzscHHyiew!!” Until he realised that just made the sneezes stronger and wetter, as if they were simply building up behind his nose, demanding to be released. 

When he finally decided to give up on stifling, especially after one in particular seemed to promise him quite the headache, “hhH—ihHDXTtssh’UHh! Ow!”, he pulled Sophie to him again, and buried his nose between her breasts. He used her dress as a newfound handkerchief and sneezed into it like it was all he had left in this world.

“Hhy’bzSCHCHhHue..! Hhh… nghh.. H’igCHU! hhdyzSChhhhyuew! Oh mby godjSCH’UH!— HhH’izSHhu! hhiehh.. yh’bzSCHHzshh! hh!HUH! … hh—H’BbYZSCHhhhhYyIEWwh! HhiHHZYySCHHhh’YIEW!”

Sophie was utterly transfixed. He sneezed against her so strongly, so wetly, and though she should be irritated, she couldn’t find it in her to be upset. There was something in the way he was sneezing in between her breasts, holding her so tightly, hitching and hitching and hitching before each release, that was oddly interesting to her. 

She eventually lost track of how many times he sneezed, though when the castle started to croak and groan as the fit continued, she thought perhaps it was time to end the spell. It would be a very bad day indeed if Howl sneezed the castle to rubble.

It wasn’t until the thirty-something sneeze (this was around the time she stopped counting) that Howl finally begged to her. “… hAHtchu! Please — ahHZschu! — Sophie—" He looked very pathetic, like the most miserable creature in the world, and sneezed openly in the space between them. “— hyZSCHh’iew! Mbake it.. mbake ittSCHh!’iuu! stop — hhih.. hh’bZChHhu… ‘hzschhh-ih…”

His sneezes barely had any force behind them now. Poor thing! He’d had enough. Even if he had asked for it in the first place, perhaps she’d been a bit heavy handed in her method. And maybe he’d learned his lesson about calling her a wretched, hard hearted woman, and slithering his way out of his duties. And, maybe, she could use this to her advantage.

After a moment of thought, and about three more sneezes, she picked up his feverish face in both her hands. He pressed his nose to her palm for comfort and sneezed — sadly, pathetically, wetly — against it, “ihSHhyiew…” before she spoke the magic words.

“You are done sneezing, Howl—" His eyes lit up. "—if you agree to meet with the king again to discuss the war.” And then they quickly darkened again. But Sophie was extremely pleased with herself. Even if she couldn’t get him to change his mind on his involvement, maybe Howl could at least convince the king to not start another war.

Though he looked a bit irritated at having his hands essentially tied, Howl finally nodded, and kissed her palm. “You are the only ode who cad wrangle mbe… idto… into— ihhySCHh’iu… submissiod— ... huh! Hh’bschhyiew! Sndf! — ... ... h’AHschu! Hell, I wadt to stop sndeezi’gg. Very well, wife. I … I … agreehYSCHhiu! I agree to your terms,” he said.

The spell came undone. As the magic lost its grip on him, his nose finally stopped twitching, and he took a breath without sneezing. Howl pressed two fingers to his pink, warm nose with a sigh of relief before he collapsed into his wife.

“Oh, stars above, I thought I’d sndeeze forever," Howl mumbled into her abdomen. "Thagk you, mby love.” He seemed to have completely forgotten she was the one that made him sneeze so much in the first place. She hummed and patted his head. 

“You are very welcome. I suppose the king can wait till you’re well again to meet you." It was hard not to smile at her cunning mind. She certainly could get her husband to do just about anything, if she used a bit of trickery! "Until then, perhaps we can sweet talk Calcifer into a warm bath.”

“That,” Howl purred, “would be lovely. I told you, you kndow how to mbake mbe feel better.”

Calcifer flickered in his hearth bitterly. “Except it’s me doing all the work to get the water hot, not her,” he muttered.