Empress of Angst

With sudden urgency Giles jerks his hand back from the books he's been examining as if he's been singed and fumbles in his pocket for his handkerchief, his breath scissoring an uneven, staccato threat.

He spares the offending shelf a watery-eyed glare in the brief instant that's all he's graced with before his eyes squeeze shut against his will, flaring nostrils buried in soft folds that smell of laundry soap and Habit Rouge.

He tries, out of spite for the cause as much as anything, to bite down on the reflex - and realizes almost immediately what a mistake this is, a thousand microscopic feathers dancing against the walls of his sinuses could hardly spawn a more all-consuming, almost burning tickling sensation.

"h'NgXtt!-ihHh!"

The breath it wrenches from his lungs is more helpless gasp than anything else and any question of further attempts at restraint are rendered academic.

Hh'ihxxsschhH! ISCHhh-huue! HhiIh…! Hh'yIhSCHhieww! ngt'sSCHHhhh-uh!

Blindly, he gropes for the shelves with his free hand, bracing himself against the merciless, inexorable onslaught of it, but of course that only serves to further disturb the long neglected mantle of dust… He barely has time to draw breath between them now - as if they're racing each other to escape, crawling over each other in their haste to rid him of the mounting irritation.

h'IngTSHhh! ng'tschhoo! ih-tsch! …HhH.. Ih'gtTSCHhh!-Hiih-iih'tzzsSCHHHFFF!

When at last he gains a (slightly breathless) reprieve his glasses have slipped down the bridge of his nose, teetering precariously near the tip. With a shaky, exasperated exhale and reflexive sniffle he readjusts them - a sharp, irascible motion, peevishly rougher than is strictly necessary - another mistake. It's hard to say if it's the traces of dust on his fingers or simply the friction of the nose piece of his glasses themselves, but it's enough to send another maddening itch tearing across the angry, inflamed membranes of his nose. With an even more exasperated groan he capitulates to it, has no choice in the matter really, and collapses back into the handkerchief, damp eyelashes fluttering against cheeks just beginning to flush a delicate, disheveled pink. Exertion, embarrassment, pique - it's hard to say. He can only be grateful there's no one there to see any of it. A thoroughly undignified display all around.

hh'g'schhffF! - Hzzssschhiuh! … hhuHh-ngt'ZzssSCHHheuh! gnhhuh…

The sound that escapes him in the wake of it is embarrassingly close to a whimper. He should not, he feels quite strongly, need to take an antihistamine tablet in order to come to work. Inside. Far from the proximity of even the faintest whiff of pollen, or hay, or violently chintzy scented candles. … Alright, the latter is more likely to be found inside than out, but not, generally speaking, in high school libraries, he should still be safe here.

He's going to start submitting his pharmacy receipts to Principal Flutie… But first he's going to make himself a strong cup of tea, find something cool and damp to press against his eyes, and imagine the serene, well organized stacks of the Bodleian. Even the University College with it's - he all but shudders - Garside classification, would be better than this. At least they have the decency to dust once a century or so.

Oh God, he's going to sneeze again…

Maybe he should just go home, what's the worst that could happen if he takes an afternoon off after all, the end of the world? Yes... well… quite.

Longleaf Pine

Alright, first up we have Pinus palustris, commonly known as the Longleaf Pine that, by all appearances, seems to have evolved specifically for inducing. The dried leaves (needles) of this species have long been used for treating colds and other respiratory ailments, as they are high in Vitamin C and also acts as an expectorant (thinning mucous/clearing congestion). Dried leaves can be brewed into an herbal tea that is often mixed with peppermint and other beneficial, cold-soothing herbs.

Fun fact: Extracts of its pollen are widely used as the standard for pine allergy testing and immunotherapy in the United States. While many plants in the Pine family produce highly allergenic pollen, this particular species is less allergenic than its relatives, as its pollen is heavier and tends to drop to the ground instead of being light and easily airborne.

snzfucker rating: 10/10. This plant has it all, including cold + allergy lore + pine needles that are safe to induce with which truly just look like they've evolved specifically for that purpose. what? who said that?!??

Pampas Grass

Next up we have Cortaderia selloana or Pampas Grass. The resemblance to a feather duster is, well…do I even need to go on? Well, I'm going to go on an anyway. It's also an extremely allergenic, wind-pollinated grass. Ever seen comments of plants with people saying "haha wow even this photo made me sneeze"? Yeah, well, this plant is the perfect candidate for whatever...that is.

Fun fact: This widely cultivated and once popular garden plant was the subject of a kink-related urban legend dating back to the 1970s following claims that those who planted it in their front yards were identifying as a swinger household. As a result, its popularity plummeted - because people were afraid to plant it in their yards! Which, in my opinion, is good outcome, as this species is often highly invasive outside its native range (...I can neither confirm nor deny that this rumor was initially started by conservationists/ecologists).

snzfucker rating: 9/10. bonus points for being the feather duster of the plant kingdom + having kink lore + being extremely allergenic... but I've subtracted several points because, well, we hate invasive species in this house, folks.

Q-Tip Tree

Next on the list is Clerodendrum quadriloculare aka the Q-Tip Tree. I don’t think I have to elaborate on why this made the list. I think y'all should just look at the photo and nod along with me.

Fun fact: This species is a member of the mint (Lamiaceae) family, believe it or not! Many members of this plant family have invasive tendecies when introduced outside their native range. It's also known as the 'Starburst Bush' which is a pretty groovy name, in my opinion. Obviously, I'm going to stick with the alternative Q-Tip Tree.

snzfucker rating: 7/10. Its definitely got some "👀" qualities... if you know what I mean.

Handkerchief Tree

Yes, seriously. Davidia involucrata is known as the Handkerchief Tree because of its white bracts that flutter in the breeze like pinched handkerchiefs. Again...do I need to elaborate?

Fun fact: This plant takes up to 10 years to flower after planting! Well worth the wait, in my opinion. It's native to the woodlands of southern China and prefers... moist/wet conditions...😈 ...no, seriously, it does. I'm not just shit-posting here. Well I am, but...this is genuinely true.

snzfucker rating: 8.75/10. It's freakin' called the handkerchief tree, y'all. Spectacular. No notes.

California Tree Poppy

Last but not least we have Romneya coulteri aka the California Tree Poppy which bears such a remarkable resemblance to used tissues that folks will often post photos to gardening/flower-related Facebook groups asking others to help identify “this flower that looks like a bunched up Kleenex.”

Fun fact: This plant is native to California, and has the largest petal width of any wildflower in California! Plus, it smells very sweet - remarkably like apricots.

snzfucker rating: 8/10. Any plant that resembles a crumpled tissue is pretty darn snzfucker-coded if you ask me. Want to imagine your fav sneezing into a flower? This might be the ideal one!

🌾 🌼 🌲