moo bitch

They find a book written in Latin… one guy doesn’t take Latin and doesn’t want to mess up the pronunciation. The girl is studying Mandarin. Another guy recommends sticking it into Google Translate but that’s likely to land them with gibberish. They leave it alone.

The car won’t start. They call an Uber.

The vampire captures the girl and insists that she wears the gown to dinner. The gown is actually hella cute. Only problem is it’s not in her size. Oh, it only comes in 2’s and 4’s? Sorry, vamp, you want me in that dress you contact the goddamn company and tell them to get their shit together.

“How did you possibly know that? It saved our lives!” “I’ve got two degrees and I spend way too much time on Wikipedia.”

They encounter a spirit that gains power the more people believe in it. One girl makes a vine and uploads with, “fakest ghost ever!!! Right??” Twenty minutes later the spirit is destroyed.

The circus is in town tonight. Except she’s lived her whole life here and the circus has never come before… it’s also in a pretty sketchy part of town, not somewhere you’d want to walk alone at night. She goes to a movie instead.

“You’d need an ARMY to fight this evil!” “Okay. I’ve got 20,000 followers, lets see how many can make it.”

The Evil Whispery Voice of Doom tells the jock that it’s going to kill his pretty blonde girlfriend. The jock gets offended because, excuse me, Cindy and I are just friends. However, Marty over there is my boyfriend and I’m not saying you should kill him, just stop making assumptions yeah?

“This spirit tried to convince me it was Jerry when it texted but its texting style is COMPLETELY DIFFERENT so yeah that didn’t work.”

We could have easily gotten lost and ended up at some creepy cabin in the woods, but luckily we all had functioning GPSs. Beach party, we’ve arrived!

“We have to find a way to destroy it! We—what are you doing?” “Looking up ‘exorcising demons’ on Google. Oh look, first hit.”

The child she bares will be the devil’s spawn. Good thing she doesn’t want kids. Or if she changes her mind she can always adopt.

“How can we possibly outwit this serial killer…” “… There’s gotta be an app for that. Lemme look.”

Only the virgin will survive… Turns out they’re all virgins. One is asexual. One wants to wait until marriage. Two just haven’t found the right person yet. One is meh about sex. So we all survive, yeah?

The girl does not fall. She was on varsity track.

me: [avoids social contact with anyone for like 2 days, lies awake in bed for 12 hours and then a bathtub for 5, listening to podcasts and not thinking about anything]

peter: this is homophobia

tony: wh— peter I’m bi—

The crowd boos. I begin to walk off in shame, when a voice speaks and commands silence from the room.

The dude got arrested once before this for using a painter’s extension rod to point the stoplight cameras into the sky instead of cutting the wires. He didn’t cut the wires until AFTER he got out after being arrested the first time–which he did after posting facebook videos that prove that the stoplights are intentionally rigged to trick drivers into citations–the yellow lights at intersections with cameras only last THREE SECONDS, as opposed to the five seconds they last at other stoplights without cameras in the same county.

When he cut the camera cords, he reported his deeds to the news -himself,- and then politicians pressured the local police force into arresting him. The local police and sheriff deputies actually SUPPORT him for his actions because the lights have been killing innocent people! During his most recent arrest, one of the Sheriff’s Deputies actually -offered to bail him out-. When he got home again after these incidents, there was a surveillance camera planted at his house BY THE GOVERNMENT to watch him! His reaction to being surveilled? He painted over the camera in America’s flat out fucking ballsiest “fuck you” to the gubmint I’ve ever heard of. And it gets EVEN CRAZIER. After painting over the camera, suddenly this guy–his name is Stephen Ruth by the way–started GETTING ATTEMPTS ON HIS LIFE. He reports that a car intentionally tried to hit him in a head-on collision, and after talking about the car to his neighbors, they confirmed that the car in question (Or at least, one that was visibly identical, its occupants included) had been staking out his house! Somebody was legitimately trying to MURDER HIM over his discovery and his actions!

Bro: “Oh me too! I can’t believe a girl is into history like I am. Who’s your favorite Roman emperor?”

Oh, no. Oh, dear. We have awful news. We accidentally added group chats to Tumblr.

Group chats are a place for you to connect with other people on Tumblr to discuss things that are important to you—like long Furby, or your favorite fandom.

It’s terribly upsetting, but this is going to make it even easier to connect with like-minded people and find new communities you might not know existed.

We have no idea how this came to be

Each group chat can hold up to 100 members. To make matters worse, you can create and join as many group chats as your beating heart desires.

The only good news we can give at this time

Group chats must be a friendly and welcoming space for everyone. When you create a group chat, you become the sole owner and are responsible for how it is run. You alone can invite new members and accept or deny incoming requests to join. Just remember: group chats are publicly viewable, and while only members may participate, anyone on Tumblr can see its contents.

As the owner of a group chat, you possess the power to remove any member or message you feel needs to be removed. However, you do not need to be the owner or even a member to report a violation of our hate speech policy or other aspects of our Community Guidelines. Reports will be properly dealt with by our Trust & Safety team.

Phew

We hesitate to tell you this, but to learn more about how to use group chats, head on over to our Help Center. It’s full of tips, tricks, and helpful information. Disgusting. We’re so sorry.

You’ve been warned. We can’t protect you from the truth any longer.