Come on in, the waters fine!

Fish stuck in a leaf. (Source)

welcome to an exciting new episode of Weird Biology! this week, we’re going to be learning about a really super creature. so follow me into the open ocean, and-

LOOK! IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE!

just kidding. it’s the magnificent, marvelous, and possibly even stupendous-

faster than a speeding shrimp! more powerful than a charging jellyfish! able to leap a little bit out of the water at a single bound!

that’s right, it’s nature’s very own superhero cephalopod! a rare sight in the wild, these astounding octopi inhabit tropical and subtropical waters across the globe. 

they spend their days scooting around in the top levels of the water column and basking in the tropical sun, capes trailing behind them heroically. Superman would be so proud.

he’d probably try to put a collar on it and give it a name like “SPARKY THE SUPER-OCTOPUS, FIGHTER OF SEA CRIMES”

the first thing you notice when you see a Blanket Octopus is that stupendous cape. cape and octopus combined can reach almost two meters in length! that’s a LOT of heroic calamari. 

the sight of that majestic cape fluttering majestically behind the majestic octopus strikes fear into the hearts of evildoers and sea criminals alike.

but what actually is it?

I’m about to ruin this for everyone, stand by.

it’s skin.

that’s all it is. the Blanket Octopus’s incredible cape is actually made of the webbing between two of its arms, stretched to a ridiculous degree. also, only female Blanket Octopuses get capes! males get jack squat, but more on that later.

normally the noble and adventurous female Blanket Octopus patrols alone, hunting for injustice and delicious fishy snacks. but when she feels under threat, she spreads her arms wide and zips off, trailing that huge cape like a toddler pretending to be a pterodactyl.

WHOOSH! BEGONE VILLAIN, I AM TOO LARGE TO CONSUME

this is actually a fairly effective defense, especially as the cape is detachable! a confused predator with a mistimed strike will end up with a mouthful of what is basically underwater leather, and nothing else. the naked but alive Blanket Octopus will then sprint off, living to regrow another cape and fight evil another day.

‘but’ I hear you ask, ‘do they actually fight evil forces, or what?’

you better believe it, buddy.

BRB, GOTTA FIGHT THOSE SEA CRIMES

the astounding Blanket Octopus has another trump card up its incredibly long sleeves- they’re immune to the venom of the Portuguese Man o’ War, a demon of the ancient world. (I’ve covered these sea criminals before here)

but what’s really impressive is how the Blanket Octopus uses this native superpower. when a Blanket Octopus finds a drifting Man o’ War, they sneak right up close under the body and… snap themselves off an extremely venomous Man o’ War tentacle.

TA-DA! INSTANT POISON WHIP.  

THRILL at the action! WEEP at the suspense! AMAZING ADVENTURES OF THE BLANKET OCTOPUS, ON SALE NOW. featuring her arch-enemy, LORD DOOM BALLOON!

the indomitable Blanket Octopus has no problem wielding these toxic whips effectively, and their Indiana Jones bullshit definitely pays off. those Man o’ War tentacles are straight-up-lethal enough to kill dinner-sized animals, and painful enough to drive predators away. 

but I haven’t gotten to the best part yet! most of the Blanket Octopuses using Man o’ War tentacles are actually males. this is because evolution has dealt them a shitty, shitty hand and they have absolutely no other defense.

see, females can reach about two meters in length. but males typically reach about 2.4 cm.

THAT’S NOT A TYPO.

males are so RIDICULOUSLY TINY that scientists didn’t even realize they were seeing two members of the same SPECIES at first, until they witnessed a mating pair. they’re an Ant-Man to the female’s She-Hulk!

but like many superheroes, the Blanket Octopus gets a really rough deal in the romance arena. when a male locates a female, he swims up, rips one of his arms off, hands it to her, wanders off, and dies. TA-DA. that’s it for the Blanket Octopus romance arc.

it’s both the world’s worst and least romantic handshake.

jesus, just buy her flowers next time. seriously.

because Blanket Octopuses are rarely seen, we’re still discovering new facts about these incredible ocean crimefighters and their amazing antics.

unfortunately, we also don’t really know how they’re holding up in a changing ocean. we can only hold out hope that these secret ocean avengers will continue on fighting sea crimes and inspiring generations of young impressionable humans. 

we believe in you, Blanket Octopus!

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thanks for reading! you can find the rest of the Weird Biology series here.

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IMAGE SOURCES

Queen of the seas 

An Octopus hitching a ride on the back of a Turtle in the waters off of Hawaii. 

Rhinopias eschmeyeri